Prom Night Sex

Billboards all over the tri-state area keep reminding me that prom season is coming.  With prom season comes awkwardly terrible stories about prom sex. As a reminder, prom sex is only a movie trope and probably nothing that you will ever remember doing a few months after the fact.  

My senior prom was on my 18th birthday, that was why I wanted to have sex on prom night.  It was like having the biggest party I had ever thrown (at the time) only over ¾ of the people in attendance were people who I didn’t like and the other ¼ of the people didn’t like me.  It was a bit strange and expensive. I wanted to fuck on prom night though, mostly because Hollywood movies told me that’s what I should want to do.

I made my prom dress myself, threw on some black lipstick, had my aunt do my hair and headed off to the dance with my boyfriend in my ‘82 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.  It was primer grey and had a massive back seat that I hated giving blowjobs in.

Twenty years after the fact, I remember zero about the dance itself.  Stupid things about who was going to be sitting at my table and what color my nails were going to be painted seemed so important at the time, but they weren’t.  

The saving grace to the evening was that I somehow convinced my mother to rent a room for my boyfriend and I in the hotel where the prom was held.  Reflecting back, I have zero idea how I manipulated that situation to be in my favor. I know I paid for the hotel room with my own money, but I needed a credit card to actually make the reservation, so my mom had to be involved somehow.  I reasoned with her that everyone else was going to be going to parties that my boyfriend and I weren’t invited to, which was totally true. If I had to guess, I’d say that my mom felt bad about the fact that I didn’t have very many friends so she caved after only a handful of asks.

After the prom was over, I headed upstairs with my boyfriend and another couple that we were friends with.   They headed to the bathroom and my boyfriend and I confusedly watched television in bed while we waited for them to finish up.  Honestly, I think I probably could have had a prom night orgy (or at least two couples in the same room having sex at the same time) if I had played my cards right, or even known that I was into kinky shit like that.  

My boyfriend and I fucked with these bright red condoms that he bought especially for the occasion.  I rode his cock, like I always did, and we passed out until morning. It’s interesting that I don’t actually remember the sex itself, but I remember what color the condom was so vividly.  

I was reading through the prom sex stories linked in the Refinery 29 article linked below and realized that mine was a better experience than most.  I didn’t have to sneak away or keep quiet because I was fucking in someone else’s basement. I was able to scream like a pornstar because that’s how I thought sex was supposed to sound.  

I’m glad that I know better than that now.

Here’s a prom sex fantasy for you to enjoy:

Tell me about your prom sex experience in the comments below or get in touch on twitter if you’d like to keep things more private.

Source: Refinery29

Image: Prom Whore Wars 3 by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Khloe Kapri Forever

Jailed Woman Caught With WHAT In Her Vagina?

As anyone who deals drugs in prison can tell you, the human body is not particularly equipped for hiding things. That super diluted hit of heroin you just paid god knows what for in jail? At some point it spent time in somebody’s ass.

The high price for an inferior product comes from the insane risk some entrepreneur took to smuggle said drugs into whatever high security facility drug users find themselves incarcerated in. Just ask Jessica Webster, a 29-year-old Kentucky woman who tried to sneak her heroin needles past jail officials by stashing them in her vagina. Oye!

Webster and her husband were arrested after they nicked some jewelry from a Louisville home. Already facing some serious burglary charges, Webster decided it was best to keep the lid on her whole heroin problem so she tucked her paraphernalia away in the one place she was sure they wouldn’t check. Unfortunately, that’s pretty much the first place deputies check women when they get hauled into jail. A female deputy cave Jessica and her cubby hole a pat down at which point the objects under her clothes were detected.

Not certain if it was centipedes or something equally dangerous, she was given a strip search where the hypodermic needles were found tucked mostly away in her vagina. Webster admitted to having a heroin problem, as if anyone else would stash needles in her pussy after committing burglaries, and was charged with possession of drug paraphernalia and promoting contraband into a jail along with the aforementioned felony burglary. C’est la vie.

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Jesus Digs Pornstars?

Whether you’re an atheist or a believer, there is one thing we can all agree on – shut the fuck up, we’re here for porn. There’s a time and a place to debate the existence of god, and there are people on both sides of the argument who don’t understand that. However, the people at xxxchurch.com think they can catch a few more flies with sweet delicious porn honey than vinegar, which is why they go to porn conventions and try to act as nice as possible. Good luck with that?

The organization originated in the United States and its intention is to help people struggling with “porn addiction” find solace through religion. They go to porn conventions and hand out shirts saying “Jesus loves porn stars,” and various other things Ned Flanders would have thought up. Another focus of their work is to help porn stars leave the industry.

In effort to save her from the vile wealth and generally greater sense of self-worth provided by the porn industry, the organization gave Australian porn star Kiki Vidis a really fancy pink bible. Vidis thought the gesture was cute and appreciated the way they approached her with respect. Before handing her the gift they told her “you do really wonderful work, but if you ever need help you can always come to Christ.” Vidis, who isn’t a Christian, says she likes to read random passages from the book and agrees with almost half of it.

I’m an atheist but I’m not a prick about it. I’m no more offended by other people’s beliefs than I am their sexual preference or political affiliation. If these people sleep better at night because they respectfully and tactfully told someone about their invisible sky wizard then I’m not going to judge them. Plus, bibles are like a thousand pages of free papers if you want to roll a holy joint and spark it up with the lord.

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Teacher Tries To Blow Her Way Out Of A DUI!

It’s almost impossible to be fired as a teacher. This is hilarious because people who spend ten hours a day around minors, suppressing every urge to smash them in the face with a textbook tend to party pretty hard when school is not in session. They don’t mess around when it comes to enjoying every precious moment away from the classroom. Just ask Mary Maloney!

Maloney is a seventh-grade math teacher from South Florida. She was enjoying a ride around town when, out of nowhere, a parked car jumped in her way. She did her best to jump over it, but sadly she plowed straight into it before fleeing the scene. Witnesses snitched and police were brought in to investigate. It was at this point she was caught, still inside of her damaged van with an empty gallon jug of Carlo Rossi wine.

Caught red handed, Maloney tried to bribe and blow her way out of the situation. She reportedly asked officers how much she would have to pay to be let go, and informed them she was a teacher. She then offered oral sex in exchange for her freedom. Apparently the naughty math instructor has a pretty vicious criminal record including multiple DUIs and battery charges.

Despite chugging a gallon of cheap wine behind the wheel, hitting a parked car and trying to fuck her way out of trouble for the umpteenth time, Maloney has not been suspended or terminated. I love you, Florida.

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On Second Thought, Don’t Tell Me

Spicy Sex

Conversations in my house are pretty funny sometimes.  I never know the type of reaction that my wife is going to have when I’m talking out loud about the topics that I want to write about for you Peepz.  Sometimes she gets grossed out and sometimes she laughs along with me at the stupidity of people who get caught by the cops. She rarely gets turned on by news stories though.

That all changed when I started telling her about how two members of her favorite girl group got it on back in the day.

She was sitting in our living room and I was cooking in the kitchen, scrolling through my news feed when I called out to her, “Babe!  Did you know that the Spice Girls hooked up?”

“No they didn’t, that’s all rumors,”  she answered.

“I mean, I guess…but Mel B says that it’s true.”

Wifey jumped up from the couch and ran into the kitchen faster than I’ve ever seen her move to say, “What the fuck are you talking about?!?” as she grabbed my phone.

Mel B and Geri Halliwell, of Spice Girls fame, apparently bumped pussies back in the day.  Mel B was being interviewed by Piers Morgan for his show Life Stories when the truth came out.  She admits that it wasn’t a big deal to either of them.  They were BFFs who decided to experiment and giggle about it afterwards.  I have plenty of friends who I would have loved to experiment with, so I get the draw.

“She fucking kissed Sporty Spice!” my wife yelled as she skimmed the article.

“That makes things even more interesting.  I wonder if there was ever a Spice Girls orgy,” I pondered while I tossed our stir fry dinner up in the air over the wok.  

“I don’t think any of the Spice Girls are openly bisexual but Mel B,” she responded.

We both fell into a search engine rabbit hole regarding fan theories of a Spice Orgy.  Did you know that Spice Girls fan fiction exists? I mean, of course it does…but it was pretty hot to read.  

While the “one night stand encounter,” (my wife’s words, not mine) between Mel B and Geri Halliwell will be running through her masturbatory fantasies for the next few decades, at least she has the fan fic to keep her satiated in the meantime.  I’m going to keep imagining the Fiona Apple/Tori Amos fantasy that I’ve had since high school.

Who were your celebrity crushes when you were 18?  Did you ever imagine them hooking up with each other, or in your head was it only you that they were feeling up?  Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter if you’d like to keep it private.

Source: Fox News

Image: Backstage Booty by Brazzers

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Things I’m Here For: Sex on NPR

I Need a Porno Genie

Watching pornography has never been easier.  When I was in my early 20s, the Internet was not as organized as it is now.  If you wanted porn, you had to slink through AOL chat rooms and “trade pics” with people.  You’d wait for hours for the picture to download and then maybe, just maybe, it would turn out to be something hot. Magazines made the rounds and we borrowed the VHS tapes from the not so secret hiding places that our older siblings thought we didn’t know about.

Now though?  All you do is type PornHub into your browser window and you have millions of videos, not just still images, right at your fingertips.  People younger than I am will never know the struggle of impatiently waiting for one stupid picture to load. It’s a shame really. I’m a lot more appreciative of the access to porno that I have now since I didn’t have it back then. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a gripe with the system though.

One of my current issues though, is that the scenarios that I keep fantasizing about don’t seem to exist anywhere yet.  At least finding them has been so fucking difficult that I fap to “settling” porn, that’s not but not what I’m actually in the mood for.  You know what I mean? Like, it’ll do the job, but it would really be cool if this situation that I’m thinking about could be brought to life in front of someone else’s camera.

I get that I’ve been involved in adult content for a long time, and that I’ve seen WAY MORE PORNO than the average person, but it’s hard for me to reconcile the fact that there have been few people out there who have already come up with what I’m thinking about.

It’s not a crazy scenario either, I swear!

I’d like to watch a MFM threesome, where the two guys are also into each other, where there is no cuckholding or humiliation.  

That’s it.

Seems easy, right?

It is so difficult to find something within that criteria, it’s insane.

There also is no concrete term for “blow bang” but with people who have vaginas.  There are a whole lot of gaps in the porno world that need to be filled, especially now that people who create content are realizing that women watch porno and are willing to spend money to watch the content that they want to watch. I don’t understand why this wasn’t the norm before…but let’s blame good old misogyny for that one.

When I took to my twitter friends, a handful of people wrote back with their fantasies that haven’t been made into porno yet, but I want to know about YOU.  

Peepz, what kind of porno do you wish you could find?  Hit me up in the comments below or slide into my twitter DMs if you want to keep it private.  I won’t tell anyone your secrets, promise.

Oh, and if you happen to find the type of video I’m looking for, do me a solid and shoot me the link. I’ll make it up to you.

Image: Loni Evans in Genie I Wish to Suck Your Tits by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Spring Break Sexiness

I’d Like To Keep The Word “Hack” Far Away From My Body, Thanks

Penis Enlargement Surgery Death (Not the Dick’s Fault)

Yikes Peepz! That’s a hell of a story title, no? When I was researching this story, it seemed to me like every news outlet that covered it was trying to outdo the last. Things like, “Billionaire Tycoon Wants a Huge Penis, Gets Death Instead,” and “Money Bags Goes Under the Knife for Sexual Prowess,” were flooding my search results.

I want to take a different angle to this story though and ask why someone who had all the money that he could ever ask for would feel lackluster enough about his person to have surgery to get a new cock. Especially since he didn’t actually die from the surgery itself. Click-bait headlines had my trigger finger happy, but it was all for naught.

Ehud Arye Laniado was a 65-year-old diamond trader. He died of a heart attack while he was having surgery to enhance his dick, but he didn’t die from the actual surgery. The causes of death all point to the anesthesia that he was under while the surgery was happening.

Listen, it’s your body. Do with it what you wish. You want massive titties, go get yourself some implants. You want a bigger ass, head to the surgeon and see what your options are. If you want bigger calves, or a smaller waist, or higher cheek bones? The world is your oyster.

Self-esteem issues hit each of us differently. Even the most confident and cocksure of us will have bad days and moments filled with situations where we doubt ourselves. We are a reactional people, who feed off of the media that we are fed and allow unfriendly ideas about ourselves into our brains to flood the ideas that we have about ourselves and who we are.

When there are complications to surgery, the first thing everyone wants to do is point fingers. Why was that surgery being done, especially if it is cosmetic. It’s being done because the person who owns the body wants it to be done. Don’t be so judgy. As long as the doctor thinks the patient is healthy enough to have the surgery done, what business is it of anyone else.

I think it’s pretty shitty that Ehud Arye Laniado is being made a joke because he had a heart attack. I don’t know about his business ethics or anything…maybe he was a dickhead, maybe he was a saint, or maybe he was just an average person with a whole lot of money who wanted to please his sexual partners to the best of his ability.

Image: Keiran’s Cock Insurance by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Blowjob Bonanza

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I’ll Take Quality Over Quantity, Any Day

Protect Yourself: STI’s on the Rise

Self on Strap-On Sex

I’ve recently reconnected with one of my friends from college. He’s a great guy who always turned down my (extremely needy and unwarranted) sexual advances. I’m pretty sure that’s why we stopped talking in the first place. Young Harlot had a hard time understanding why everyone in the world didn’t want to have sex with her.

Anyway.

One of the things that he and I have been talking about is pegging. He’s been cohabitating with his (extremely sexy) girlfriend for a few months. They’re always interested in going on sexual adventures together. She is super interested in strapping up and fucking his butt. Never one to shy away from an experience, he said he was down. When they got into it though, he was having trouble completely opening up his body and accepting the whole dildo.

I pointed him in the direction of the Self article linked below because they have a few good pointers for anyone who is planning on heading down the road to utilizing a strap on, either by giving or receiving. He and I had an awesome conversation about the contents, so I figured I’d share their tips with you Peepz, in case anyone was interested in that kind of play.

1. You should discuss what you and your partner want from strap-on sex.

Totally makes sense. Communication is absolutely key. Are you looking to be teased with the tip? Are you looking to expand all your holes and horizons? How does the fantasy play out in your head?

2. Different dildo materials have their pros and cons.

DO NOT BUY JELLY DILDOS OR ANYTHING THAT IS POROUS! Super danger zone Peepz. Body safe silicone is my favorite, but you can also go with metal or glass if you’re looking for a strength that is completely unforgiving to the curves of your insides. The sensation is totally all relative. If you open up a dildo that you just purchased and it smells bad? DO NOT STICK IT IN YOUR BODY!

3. You’ll need to clean your dildo properly.

Obviously. Don’t stick dirty toys inside your body or rub them on the outside of your body. Cleanliness is important when it comes to all things sexual.

4. The harness is as important as the dildo.

Comfort is key. I prefer leather, my wife prefers nylon harnesses like THIS ONE. It’s all personal preference.

5. Dildos can spread sexually transmitted infections.

Safer sex, my Peepz. Always use a condom on a dildo and make sure you change condoms in between partners to avoid the probability of spreading STDs. My friend had never even considered using a condom on a dildo before. It’ll change the experience for the better, I swear.

6. It can take a while to find your rhythm.

Don’t rush it, take your time…communicate what feels right and what doesn’t. Be open to trying new things, but know your limits and make sure you tell your partner before you jump right over the ledge into, “STOP NOW!” territory.

7. As always, communication is key.

I can’t say that enough

8. Definitely talk about whether you can use the strap-on with other partners.

I had a girlfriend once who was very possessive over my strap on, even though it came into my collection 5 years before I had even met her. At parties, she would never let me break it out because she felt as though that act were a bit too personal. I could eat all the pussy that I wanted, but if I put my dick on, she’d be hella jealous and make a fuss. It all loops back to communication.

9. A strap-on might make you feel like a total badass.

Penises wield power. My feminist brain doesn’t want to accept it, but it’s totally true in the bedroom. When I have my dick strapped up, I’m like a sexual superhero coming to take my wife through the paces of orgasm after orgasm.

I feel like my take away from this whole article is to communicate your wants and needs to your partner before, during and after each strap on session you have. Just because something was OK today doesn’t mean that it’s what is on the table for tomorrow.

Source: Self

Image: Scared Un Straight by Brazzers

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Is Keto Crotch a Thing?

What you put into your body makes a difference as to what comes out of your body. That old wives tale about eating pineapple to make your spunk sweeter is absolutely founded in truth. If you eat lots of sugary goodness, your cum will change it’s taste.

I can go on for hours about the magic that happens to cum when you eat pineapple a before sex. That’s the cum I crave at this point in my life. It’s the sweetly bitter delicious fountain of jizz that makes me ache for cock sometimes. I miss taking huge facials and licking little drops off of my lips.

With the Keto diet that’s all the rage right now, you avoid every bit of sugar you possibly can. No carbohydrates means no bread, but it also means no fruit. One side effect of eating little to no sugar is that you’re cum is going to taste, well…not so sweet. People are calling that phenomenon Keto Crotch. While I’m no doctor, I can’t imagine something that makes your body react in that way could be a good thing.

Here’s my whole issue with Keto in general.

Any diet that is going to tell you that eating fruit is a bad idea seems to be formulated on bad science. I totally understand avoiding bread and eating healthy foods…but if you are being told to choose between bacon and strawberries and the diet you’re on is telling you that bacon is totally the way to go, how healthy can that be? Honestly.

I’ve got a handful of friends that are doing Keto now. When I saw the article about Keto Crotch being a thing, I asked them about it. They were super hesitant to give me any information about the way that their privates smell. I tried a few different angles but they wouldn’t give me any information because I’m “rude and nosey,” or what the fuck ever.

I’m just asking the pertinent questions, you know?

While I have no direct evidence that Keto Crotch exists, I can imagine that it’s real. If you don’t eat sugar, the fluids that your body secretes are not going to contain any sugar. The pH balance of your body (vag included) can be thrown off.

Since my friends were no help, I’m asking you Peepz. Are you doing Keto? If you are, have you noticed a change in the way your fluids smell or taste (if you’re into that type of thing)? Let me know in the comments below or hit me up on twitter with your thoughts.

Source: Insider

Image: Sadie Pop in Sweet 18 by Brazzers

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Thankfully, I Have Unlimited Data

Fap Along With Harlot: Lick Bang

How to Get Banned by Tinder

I’ve been banned from all sorts of dating sites. Back when I was actively on the market, lots of websites had an issue with the fact that I used “AlphaHarlot” as a handle…mostly because a quick search of that name pulls up a massive amount of amateur porn. I mean…a hobby is a hobby, right?

These days, people who do porn can actively network all over the place without there being a massive issue. Of course, you have to abide by the terms of service of each company. Usually this means no lady nipples or any kind of nudity…sometimes it means that you can’t even show off cleavage in your pictures.

Tinder took a stand on a Vermont woman’s profile and banned her for one of her pictures, which included her in hunting camo with a deer that she had shot. I was talking to one of my friends who happens to hunt, and he suggested that I use the word, “harvested,” rather than shot…but I’m not sure how I personally stand on this issue yet, so I’m going to keep the old terminology.

A Vermont comedian and media specialist named Nichole Magoon was traveling in California. She logged onto Tinder while she was out with a friend because they were discussing the differences between dating on the west coast and dating in Vermont. That triggered a chain of events which lead to her entire account being banned.

One of Nichole’s tinder pictures was her hanging out with a deer that she had just harvested. People in the area of Cali that she was visiting were apparently not too keen on such things, so they reported her picture Tinder and the app decided to not only pull the photo but ban her account completely.

Here’s some news footage of what went down, along with the picture in question.

It is so concerning to me how quick websites are to ban and then take the ban back when they actually investigate what the problems are. If you’re into hunting or harvesting or farming or webcamming and you want to talk about it on your dating profile, you should totally be able to do that.

What do you Peepz think though? Did Tinder have the right to pull her profile or did they jump the gun? Let me know your opinions in the comments below or hit me up on twitter so we can have a conversation about it.

Source: WWLP

Image: Sienna West in It’s Cock Hunting Season by Brazzers

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Hooking Up on Cruise Ships

How do you Peepz feel about going on cruises? My boss if fucking obsessed and goes on like two a year. I’ve never been on a boat that big before and I’ll probably keep it that way, mostly because I’m not too crazy about the ocean or being stuck in the middle of it.

I like being able to do whatever I want, go where I’m in the mood to go and avoid talking to strangers most of the time. When my boss comes home all she talks about is all the delicious food she ate and all the friendly people she ate dinner with. She has a family though, so I think it’s different going on vacation with your wife and kids than it is when you have a hot wife who is down for lots of lady sharing.

Can you imagine living on a cruise ship full time though? So many people work and live on the ocean doing all sorts of things for months at a time. They’re away from their friends and families for all that time. How do they meet people to have sex? Are they going to jump off the boat on their down time and have an excursion on the islands that they visit? I mean, maybe. But most likely they’re going to hook up with other employees.

on their down time and have an excursion on the islands that they visit? I mean, maybe. But most likely they’re going to hook up with other employees.

In the Business Insider article linked below, they talked to a few former and present cruise ship employees. They all seem to share the idea that working on a cruise ship sexually is very much like a college dorm. Everyone is flirting or sleeping with everyone else. Honestly, can you blame them?

When I think about the people that I work with, I could realistically imagine living with zero of them. Yes, we’re all a quirky bunch of cogs in the machine of our office, but heavy on the quirk. Living on a cruise ship probably has some fantastic perks. There’s amazing food, beautiful travel destinations and everyone being in a position where fucking around on the company’s time is completely possible.

I never thought about all of that before I read that article though. I mean, it totally makes sense. If you’re around other people 24/7, clothes are going to start coming off, especially if you’re surrounded by paradise. Cruise ships are totally an untapped source of story making adventures in my life. Maybe I should give them a shot.

What do you Peepz think? Have you ever been on a cruise before? How was the hook up situation while you sailed the seven seas? Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter if you’re feeling shy.

Source: Business Insider

Image: Ahryan Astyn in The Love Boat by Reality Kings

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Sex in Central Park is Off Trend

I grew up in the shadow of New York City. Just before I got my driver’s license, my friends and I decided that we would all drive into NYC the day after my birthday and go on an adventure that involved walking around Central Park to see the statues of Alice in Wonderland and Strawberry Fields.

We didn’t tell our parents that we were going, we just got in the car and went. The Internet also really wasn’t a thing at that point in time, so we got our hands on some maps and drove into the city.

Back in the 90s, Central Park was a fairly known dogging spot. That’s when strangers watch couples fucking in public, if you weren’t privy. I had no idea that public sex was really a thing…I wasn’t really worldly in 1997. We got out of my 82 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme that was (apparently?) illegally parked (as it wasn’t there when we returned and I had to pay to get it out of the impound lot) and walked into the park. First thing we saw in the woods was two men banging on the forest floor.

It was like 2 in the afternoon on a Saturday. There were all sorts of people walking around, so it wasn’t like this was a secluded private area of the park. We stopped to gawk an giggle for a few seconds, walked a bit further and saw another couple, this time a man and a woman, balls deep in each other.

This was crazy to me and totally confused my brain. People had sex in public? You could have sex in New York parks? Did this happen all the time?

The answer to that is obviously that you can’t technically have sex in Central Park. As the years went on, more and more people seem to avoid that area for the rush of exhibitionism. In the New York Times article cited below, they report that 432 tickets for “Sex in Park” were given out in 2007, last year there were six.

It’s a sign of the times, I guess.

Are less people having sex outdoors in general? Could it be that the cops have a handle on the sex in public situation so people are more wary of doing it?

I think it’s partially because the area around Central Park specifically isn’t a shady area anymore. Everything is gentrified now. Times Square is cleaned up, NYC is a family vacation destination, everyone is on high alert with their eyes wide open to make sure that nothing is amis.

I think it’s kind of a shame.

I understand why having sex in a park during the day isn’t a good idea, but I think that it takes some of the adventure out of being both a voyeur and an exhibitionist. Have you ever had a fantasy about fucking in a park? Do you think the idea of getting caught was what drove the idea, or was it something else?

Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with your thoughts.

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Bedtime Orgasms

Fap Along with Harlot: Lana Rhoades