It’s almost impossible to be fired as a teacher. This is hilarious because people who spend ten hours a day around minors, suppressing every urge to smash them in the face with a textbook tend to party pretty hard when school is not in session. They don’t mess around when it comes to enjoying every precious moment away from the classroom. Just ask Mary Maloney!
Maloney is a seventh-grade math teacher from South Florida. She was enjoying a ride around town when, out of nowhere, a parked car jumped in her way. She did her best to jump over it, but sadly she plowed straight into it before fleeing the scene. Witnesses snitched and police were brought in to investigate. It was at this point she was caught, still inside of her damaged van with an empty gallon jug of Carlo Rossi wine.
Caught red handed, Maloney tried to bribe and blow her way out of the situation. She reportedly asked officers how much she would have to pay to be let go, and informed them she was a teacher. She then offered oral sex in exchange for her freedom. Apparently the naughty math instructor has a pretty vicious criminal record including multiple DUIs and battery charges.
Despite chugging a gallon of cheap wine behind the wheel, hitting a parked car and trying to fuck her way out of trouble for the umpteenth time, Maloney has not been suspended or terminated. I love you, Florida.
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