Fap Along With Harlot: Whorish Halloween

IT’S THE MOST! WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEARRRRRR! Happy Halloweiner, my Peepz! Today is my favorite day on the calendar, except for my birthday, of course. Every year, I get jazzed to dress up in my “going out to fetish party” clothes and schmooze with mere mortals.

In honor of my favorite holiday, I’ve decided to move my Fap Along up one day AND to put together a selection of clips for us to enjoy together. There are costumes involved as well as treats and a few tricks. Are you ready to get naked and have some fun with me? Grab some random piece of clothing off of your bedroom floor to splooge into and let’s fap!

One of the most popular role playing themes involves a naughty nurse. What is it about a hot lady with a stethoscope and knowledge of the human anatomy that drives us wild? This fantasy clip will have you stroking for days.

I love being scared, especially around this time of year. Two hotties end up in a Fake Hostel and have no problems showing off their titties for a bit in order to get free room and board.

There’s this theory that the whole French Maid mystique comes from sexual beings wanted to be cared for. Getting all dressed up in a world that is a complete fantasy is sometimes just what you need to feel good.

I love the rush of being both scared and turned on at the same time. When a creeper gets caught peeping in on some college ladies, he gets the ride of his life and can’t handle all the pussy.

We’re going to finish up this Fap Along with a gaggle of witches who are all looking to get laid. The ladies strut down the street to trick-or-treat and find themselves soaked and craving some cock.

That’s all for this week, Peepz. Stay safe this year and make sure that you don’t eat too much cum or candy.

Image: Zoey Monroe in Trick and Treat by Brazzers

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Lily Allen’s New Sex Toy

I’m fascinated by the sex lives of celebrities. I think it’s because they’re so public but when their bedroom activities get pushed out into the open, it becomes scandalous. Sex happens, mastrubation happens and it’s important for everyday people to understand that there is nothing shameful in chasing orgasms while you’re solo.

Following in the footsteps of mainstream celebrities who have opted into normalizing female masturbation, Lily Allen has launched a new sex toy with help from Womanizer Global. When this post crossed my Instagram feed, I was so psyched.

View this post on Instagram

I’m really excited to reveal something I’ve been working on with one of my favourite brands @womanizerglobal… My very own sex toy! The Liberty is available everywhere now. Womanizer changed my life, and I wanted to share my experience. Women shouldn’t be ashamed of their sexuality, and we all deserve to own our pleasure. Hopefully this little toy will help you do that! #IMasturbate #LilyAllenxWomanizer. Get yours now via the link in my bio

A post shared by Queen of MySpace (@lilyallen) on Oct 22, 2020 at 1:00am PDT

Lily Allen has been a feminist artist for years. She walks the line between smoldering sexuality, pop music and activism like she was born to do it. This is mostly because she actually was born into a celebrity family but she seems to be using her privilege for good causes.

Here’s a video from the #IMasturbate campaign from Womanizer starring the heiress herself.

Womanizer’s Liberty is a vibrating suction device that I can’t wait to get my hands on. With a price point that is less than $100 USD, it’s an affordable way to have a luxury orgasm.

I’m a fan of Lily’s music, yes…but it’s her willingness to talk about things like masturbating and sex in general make me even more inclined to follow her social media to see what she does next.

Like she says, “Loving yourself should be the most normal thing in the world.”

Source and Image: Lily Allen’s Instagram

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Sting Me Once, Shame On You….

As humans, we all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are completely understandable things which could happen to anyone, like accidentally sexting your father-in-law at 4am. Certain mistakes are harder to fathom, however, especially if one makes them more than once.

For example, it’s one thing to get snookered out your money by a con man once, but quite another to get snookered by the same con man, using the same scam, more than once.

Similarly, if your penis gets bitten by a poisonous Australian spider once, it’s an unfortunate mishap; when it happens again, however, you’ll have to forgive the rest of the world if we start wondering if these events were really “accidents,” or if you have some potentially awkward explaining to do.

What Is It With Men And Hazardous Toilet Seats?
The habit of men blaming various genitalia-related problems on toilet seats is such a well-established phenomenon, it has been immortalized in song – probably more than once.

The example which springs to my mind comes from the Frank Zappa album Joe’s Garage, at one point in which the titular character laments aloud “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?”

The explanation Joe comes up with is one which will ring familiar to skeptical wives and girlfriends:

I got it from my toilet seat.
It jumped right up,
And grabbed my meat.
I got it from my toilet seat.

Right, Joe; I’m sure that’s exactly how it happened, just as I’m certain the unlucky Australian identified only as Jordan is being completely forthright in his explanation for both times he has been bitten on the penis by a spider.

“I was sitting on the toilet doing my business and just felt the sting that I felt the first time,” Jordan said. “I was like ‘I can’t believe it’s happened again.’ I looked down and I’ve seen a few little legs come from around the rim.”

You know what, Jordan? I can’t believe it’s happened again, either – not the way you’ve explained it, at least.

A Most Unusual Fetish
When you’ve been working within the adult entertainment industry for as long as I have, it’s easy to start believing you’ve seen it all when it comes to sexual fetishes.

Grown men who get off on dressing up like babies, pictures of women’s feet operating the gas and brake pedals in their cars, ball-stomping, clowns having sex with pirates in grocery stores…. You get my point; the list is long and highly diverse.

What I haven’t encountered, until now, is anybody who has a thing for trying to fuck poisonous spiders. Maybe it’s the impracticality of the desire which limits its appeal; no amount of lube is going to magically make the spider large enough to actually be penetrated by a penis, as opposed to being smashed into a paste by it.

Given this fact, it seems reasonable to speculate Jordan’s fetish isn’t fucking spiders, but simply having his dick stung by them. To you or me, this might seem strange – but I also think it’s strange for people to willfully consume chicken wings slathered in hot sauce so intense it’s could be used to strip off old house paint, and I’ll wager there’s a table full of masochistic men doing such at a nearby Buffalo Wild Wings as I type this.

Who knows; maybe being stung on the dick by a redback spider delivers the same sort of ecstatic pain one experiences during a particularly vigorous spanking, or in the context of an intense BDSM session. Or maybe Jordan just likes the attention which comes along with being someone who has twice been stung on the prick by an arachnid. You don’t read a lot of articles about people who have bruises on their butt from a vigorous spanking, after all, so maybe Jordan’s red, swollen penis is just the price one has to pay for a measure of internet fame down there in Sydney.

If This Is Legit, Maybe Avoid Port-A-Potties In The Future
If I understand Jordan’s story correctly, both times he was bitten, it was within the confines of a port-a-potty on a worksite, and the second time he was bitten was during his first visit to a port-a-potty since being stung the first time.

If that’s true, I have a simple solution for Jordan on which he can rely on the future: When you need to use the loo, instead of using the nearest port-a-potty, ask your boss for a 10 minute break and head off to find a nearby restaurant, or gas station, or alleyway, or open field, or even an empty residence with insufficient security measures in place – anything other than a port-a-potty – in which to “do your business.”

If your boss refuses this request, I don’t think there’s a jury in Australia which wouldn’t side with you in a lawsuit claiming he’d created a hostile work environment. I mean, what could be more hostile than penis-biting spiders?

If it ever does come to that, Jordan, just make sure your lawyer sees to it that as many members of the jury as possible are men; the women on the panel are just never going to buy the line about the toilet seat, for the same reason it doesn’t make sense to us that we have to take antibiotics because “one of your friends at work” recently contracted gonorrhea.

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Internationally Criminals Just Aren’t What They Used To Be

The first time I can recall hearing about an internationally-infamous criminal, I was a young child and the fugitive was a fellow named Charles Sobhraj, also known by such Bond-movie-friendly nicknames as the “Bikini Killer,” the “Serpent” and the “Splitting Killer.”

Sick bastard tough he may have been, Sobhraj at least seemed worthy of the hysteria surrounding his pursuit. He did, after all, over the span of his criminal career kill at least a dozen people and use their stolen identities to aid in escaping and evading law enforcement.

Later, I remember the arrest of Carlos the Jackal making headlines all across the world, which didn’t seem like a news-stretch considering Carlos’ penchant for bombing and shooting people wherever he went.

These days, though, the standard for earning international headlines as a notorious criminal seems to have fallen precipitously. Apparently all you have to do in order to see your crime splashed across headlines spanning the globe is display porn on a large roadside screen.

This Guy Needs A Better Nickname, Stat
Among the bothersome things in the reporting about the Great Jakarta Porn Billboard Incident of 2016 is that we don’t even get to know the guy’s name, let alone a snazzy nickname to accompany it. Authorities thus far are referring to him as simply “S.A.R.” which would be fine if he were a respiratory disease, but this is an internationally famous criminal we’re talking about here; he needs a proper moniker to underscore the horrors of his deeds!

How about “Carlos the Projectionist” or “Osama bin Wankin” or “the Jakarta Jacker” or even “Spanky the Naughty Tech?” Any of these would be more appropriate than three mundane, painfully vague little initials separated by dull, static periods.

At the very least, let’s spice up the initials with some modern, branding-aware mixed case lettering, some italics and a bit more enthusiastic punctuation. I think “sAR!” has a very nice Apple-ish ring to it, no?
Imagine the headlines if he ever escapes from prison: “sAR! On the Loose” or if the headline is in the New York Post, something like “sAR! You Later, Coppers.”

Where’s The Proportionality?
While I can understand people being a bit upset with sAR! over his little porn prank, I can’t help but feel like the potential punishment here is a wee harsh when compared the severity of the offense.

Seven years in prison for five minutes of porn being displayed works out to 1.4 years in prison per minute of porn; does Indonesia really want to establish that porn-to-punishment ratio as a precedent, should someone later successfully transmit an entire Axel Braun superhero porn parody on such a billboard?

By my math, the offender in the hypothetical Braun case would be facing well over a century in prison – where he’d just take up valuable space which could be used to house people who have committed far more heinous crimes, like possessing small amounts of marijuana.

It’s possible sAR! has made things worse for himself by not coming entirely clean in his confession. While he freely admits to cribbing the user name and password for the billboard system, he also claims he “played the film unintentionally,” which sure sounds like the kind of thing a man says when he’s been caught doing something he really, sincerely, honestly believed he was going to get away with, no problem.

Do yourself a favor, sAR!: Just tell the truth and say you thought it would be a funny thing to do – but once you’d done it, you were so overcome with remorse for what you’d done you were depressed to do the right thing and immediately turn yourself in.

If that doesn’t work, fuck it – you might as well fire up a joint right in front of the prosecutors, judge and jury, then tell the lot of them to go fuck themselves.

Granted, that’s not a particularly legally persuasive argument, but it should at least get you back on CNN.

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Are People Having Sex With Mystical Fairies? Maybe!

According to an online survey 44% of people in the UK believe in fairies. Considering every work of fantasy has been set in a fictionalized version of ancient Europe that’s not too difficult to comprehend. Also 44% is also my rough estimate for the number of people in the UK who do hallucinogenic drugs.

My personal favorite fantasy book is the novelization of the movie Willow. In it there are mischievous brownies, or tiny wise-cracking goblins, who provide comic relieve and occasional small but heroic feats. If magical beings existed in nature this is how I would imagine them.

Meanwhile in the UK people not only believe fairies actually exist, but they see them while having sex outdoors. Hmm!

In his book, “Magical Folk: British & Irish Fairies,” Dr. Simon Young relates accounts from people who have seen fairies and some of the encounters are very sexual. Apparently the erotic images of Tinkerbell my weird uncle sometimes posts on Facebook are not too far from the truth.

One story in his book is from a couple who were having sex against a tree. While in the middle of their outdoor fucking they found themselves surrounded by small lights that they eventually recognized as fairies. The creatures watched the couple have sex because when you’re a few inches tall and made of light nothing is hotter than watching a couple of hairy titans bang each other.

As a North America the idea of fairies, gnomes, and other magic beings in nature just don’t appeal to me. That being said, I did always wonder how David the Gnome and his wife had sex. The rubbing of noses instead of kissing really threw me for a loop.

At any rate if you’re having sex in a forest and see sex-crazed magic nymphs that are trying to join in, you should probably do what they say. You’re also probably on drugs and living a much more exciting life than me, so anything discouraging I’ve said about your lifestyle is coming from a place of pure jealousy.

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Australian Military Wants To Send Sex Workers To Front Lines

Regardless of your political affiliation it’s hard not to love your country’s troops. The freedom to powerlessly disagree with your government is a fundamental right, but letting that sour your attitude towards members of the armed forces is kind of a dick move. These men and women are simply trying to provide for their families while serving their country so we can be free to openly criticize our least favorite politicians on Twitter.

Australia has a long history of supporting their troops. During World War I a recipe for a kind of dry cookie with a long shelf life called ANZAC biscuits was distributed so citizens could bake them and send them to soldiers fighting in Europe. No longer content with baked goods, an Australian captain suggested sending sex workers to front lines to help relieve stress. Cool!… or not?

While the idea may sound good on paper, apparently the spouses of men and women fighting abroad were less than thrilled about the idea of government funded prostitutes being provided to the troops. Oops.

The recommendation was part of an essay called “Sex and War – A Conversation Army Has to Have” by Capt. Sally Williamson. In it she suggests having sex while on deployment would help ease the stress of “loneliness or prolonged absence from family, friends, partners and spouses.” Rather than soldiers having sex amongst each other, providing professionals would make sexual partners more accessible.

Kind of like ANZAC cookies but with orgasms.

Given the distances military marriages endure, it’s no surprise to hear they also experience a higher divorce rate. While it would be easy to say married soldiers could simply abstain from sex, the idea of the government providing that extra temptation was too obscene for some Australians.

After realizing Williamson’s essay pissed off almost every military spouse, a spokesperson from the military quickly apologized and stated that it was not meant for public reading. Maybe it was just some of that Aussie wit we hear so much about?

Now if you were to train these sex workers to be elite soldiers, that would be different. Not only would they be able to serve dual purposes on the front line, but training a bunch of sexy prostitutes to sneak behind enemy lines and have sex is the exact plot of one of my favorite Brazzers movies. It would be the most patriotic example of life imitating art of all time.

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Company Introduces Star Wars Themed Sex Toys

Ever since the first Star Wars movie came out in 1977, the franchise has been almost entirely about selling children’s toys to adults. Years later people are still shelling out major cash for Jedis and Stormtroopers that will never see the outside of their packaging.

That’s an impressive feat and a testament to the franchise’s longevity. However, one can only imagine how much better they would be doing if they recognized their true demographic and sold actual Star Wars adult toys.

While there may be a brave few out there who stuck their wookie where the sun doesn’t shine, Lucasfilm (and now Disney) has never sold an actual sex toy. Looking to capitalize on this untapped market, an Australian company called Geeky Sex Toys created a line of erotic toys called Star Toys.

Though copyright law prevents them from giving them explicit Star Was themed names, the iconic image of a neon colored phallus coming out of a metallic saber hilt lets consumers know that “orgasms they will have.”

Some would argue that after the release of The Phantom Menace featuring a female member of Yoda’s species, any green Fleshlight would technically be the first Star Wars sex toy. However, this is kind of a niche product that only services a small portion of the sex toy consuming demographic.

Geeky Sex Toy’s line features a wide range of products that cater to every consumer. In addition to light saber dildos there are personal massagers that look like Darth Vader, butt plugs that resemble C3P0, and a Death Star shaped ball gag.

There’s pretty much something for anyone who wants to masturbate while watching their favorite Star Wars movie. I’m perfectly happy with my 5-year-old Fleshlight that after years of use already looks like a Predator’s mouth. That’s all the sci-fi sex toy I need.

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Fantasy Travel: Stromboli and Filicudi

There are so many travel spots on my, “I’d like to have sex there,” list. With the quarantine status being what it is in New Jersey right now (and for the foreseeable future), it’s going to be quite a while before I’m able to bum around the world with my new girlfriend.

One of my COVID hobbies has become daydreaming about travel. I have four or five itineraries all planned out ranging from an Iceland trip to an Australian city tour. When I was poking around for sexual adventures though, something new and European popped up on my radar.

The Italian Islands of Stromboli and Filicudi claim to have an erotic air about them. Volcanos erupt fairly consistently and the plumes of smoke shooting up into the air are said to resemble phallic objects.

From the article linked below:

Stromboli and Filicudi, two beautiful islands in Sicily’s Aeolian archipelago, are believed by some to have magical, aphrodisiac powers ideal for those seeking — or desperately trying to recover — the ecstasy of passionate nights.
Which is why they’re often known as the “fertility atolls.”

I mean, I’m still feeling all that new relationship energy with my lady friend, but I can always use a jolt of electricity headed straight to my pussy. From the pictures that I’ve seen, these islands are a paradise. I would love to find some hidden away seaside grotto to get fucked in while we’re listening to the tide moving outside.

I mean, check this shit out:

Can’t you picture me lounging out completely naked on those rocks waiting to get fucked?

These are my quarantine dreams, Peepz.

To further emphasize my point, here’s a Pornhub video featuring an Italian actress named Artemisia Love.  Doesn’t that accent just drive you wild?

Tell me about your quarantine dreams, Peez. Where do you want to travel when the world is back in order? Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with your sordid fantasies.

Source: CNN

Image: Hailey Star in Sexual Eruption! by Brazzers

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Tantric Sex

My fascination with Tantric Sex goes way back to a time before I even realized how deliciously erotic sex could be. The slow, sensual movements mean that I’m not going to be getting off as frequently as I usually do, but does that mean that the orgasms aren’t going to be as intense? I’m curious, and I think my new girlfriend and I may begin that journey together.

I’ve been doing a bit of research on how it’s done, because I’m a complete sex nerd and I feel like going on a journey like this requires as much knowledge as possible.

Experts say that a good place to start is with breath. Rather than focusing on orgasms, in tantric sex the focus is shifted to connecting with your partner. Taking the same breaths and forcing yourselves to sync up that way makes it easier for your bodies to be in tune.

When I think of tantric sex, I think of the eye contact. Breathing while searching into my lover’s soul in order to make sense of the intense physical things that I am feeling. It’s about making all five senses buzz with pleasure. I want to see my partner for who they really are by looking them directly in the eyes. I want to feel their body pressed up against my own. I want to taste their kiss and lick the sweat off of their body. I want to smell the sex happening all around us. Most importantly though, I want to hear their breath catching when I hit just the right spot and switch their pleasure sensors into overload.

Tantric sex doesn’t need to be penetrative. The key is connection, so massage or any kind of light touching, can be more than enough to get the blood flowing. I love the idea of covering my body with oil so that I can feel my partner’s hands slide all over my body.

Here’s an erotic clip from Pornhub with Tantric undertones to get you going.

What do you Peepz think about Tantric sex? Have you ever participated in this kind of play? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below, or hit me up on twitter if you have any advice for me when I start this journey.

Source: Insider

Image: Kimmy Granger in Tantric Teachings by Brazzers

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Things I Don’t Want: Jeffrey Toobin Edition

There have been plenty of times that I have masturbated while my webcam was on. Every single one of those involved myself and other consenting adults having some fun together. That’s the key to cam sex and masturbating on chats…you’ve got to make sure that everyone watching you actually wants to watch you.

Jeffrey Toobin, a 60-year-old lawyer and correspondent for CNN and the New Yorker, is the latest non-victim of the, “I didn’t realize that I was still logged into a work Zoom meeting and I pulled out my dick,” trope that 2020 has been so full of.

As the story goes, his work Zoom call took a 10 minute break and everyone turned off their cameras. Toobin seems to have gotten his buttons confused and left his running. The two coworkers that witnessed his dick pulling said that it seemed as though he was on another video chat with someone else. Simultaneous cam chats, one of which involves masturbation and the other involves your completely public persona? That’s expert level interneting, Peepz.

Here’s the thing that bugs me out. This guy Jeffrey Toobin? He’ll be publicly shamed for awhile, but there will be a time where people chalk it up to people being “prudes,” or whatever. That’s male privilege in action. Women get chastised for feeding their babies on Zoom calls but dudes just randomly masturbate on cam without batting an eye.

It drives me crazy.

I’m all for consensual nudity. Cam sex has been a large part of quite a few of my relationships. It’s also fairly apparent that I’m not a prude…I just don’t think it’s right to involve someone in your scene if they don’t want to be involved.

Do mistakes happen? Of course. If you’re feeling horny when you’re on your work call, keep your pants on and wait until work is done. Yes, I know I used to masturbate at work all the time, but I never did it at my desk when people were around. #SneakyOfficeBoobPics were an entirely different situation. I was always careful and even though I’m sure there was a possibility that I could get caught, I never did because I was always super careful.

That’s the trick to public sex. Don’t.Get.Caught.

Source: CNN

Image: Alexis Fawx and Luna Star in News Ancwhores by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Rainbow Cum-nection

I have been waiting all week to cum with you, Peepz. This time around, I needed a quick pick me up. I scrounged around Pornhub and looked high and low for the most colorful porno clips that I could find. It was definitely a bit of a scavenger hunt, but I’m pretty happy with what I came up with.

I’m pulling up my rainbow fuck socks right now, so if you’re ready, I suggest you lay back and fully enjoy scrolling through this Fap Along with me. You ready? It’s time to fap!

This first clip takes place somewhere between Burning Man and Ready Player One. Two sexy cyberpunk babes discover and old fashioned camcorder and start recording each other while they bang. I’m loving the rainbow colored fishnet bikini and the springy hair.

It’s a lit night at a rave and there are plenty of glow sticks to go around. Vina Sky rocks silver in pink while she gets her butthole licked and her pussy stuffed with all sorts of long, hard objects.

Playing on the sand is fun, but getting fucked in every position your stunt cock can think of is even better. This clip starts out with sand castles and ends up with cup shots.

There’s a lot going on in this Bang Bros compilation clip. Starting at 5:36, an Irish lass takes the dick of a leprechaun and he leads her to the end of his rainbow.

Alexis Tae decides to rock a tiny thong and a rainbow halter top. She doesn’t keep it on for long though and we get a glimpse of her finely trimmed bush while she’s getting fucked on the couch.

That’s all for this week, Peepz. Don’t forget to clean up after yourself, no one likes crusty cum. If you’d like a Fap Along of your very own, let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with your ideas.

Image: Kayla Kayden in Kayla’s Ass Oiled Up and Fucked by Brazzers

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Divine Banging and the Pope

The Pope is making headlines lately for all the right reasons. As a reformed Roman Catholic turned agnostic/spiritualist (don’t judge me, it’s my life), I tend to avoid any and all religious news, but this time around I’m glad I was paying attention.

What happens when the guy who is the head priest in charge starts talking about how sex is divine AND how it’s cool for LGBTQ+ folks to get hitched? The world is about to find out, my Peepz.

Pope Francis was interviewed for a book by Carlo Petrini called Terra Futura. In the book, he talks about all sorts of things that he believe the church has gotten wrong in the past. My favorite thing is that he talks about overzealous morality being a wrong interpretation of the Christian message.

Say it louder for all the people in the back!

That’s not all though. He’s also the subject of a new documentary that was premiered at the Rome Film Festival. In the movie, he talks about how all people, regardless of their sexual identities, should be allowed to be in civil unions. Especially with the world being turned on it’s head with hate being completely visible and sometimes accepted in certain communities, I love the fact that he has decided to take a stand.

Listen, is the Catholic church fucked up? Absolutely, 100%…however, I’ve got to give a shout out to the fact that he’s trying to change the old school opinions about what backwards people believe “the truth,” about that faith is.

It’s all in the interpretation of things.

I’ve definitely got my own baggage, but I’m kind of psyched that someone in power in the Roman Catholic Church is speaking out about the hate that so many of it’s members preach. It’s completely fucked up.

Sex feels good. Eating delicious food is divine. It’s cool if people want to get hitched if they’re into each other. These are all the lessons that everyone should be learning.

While I’m on my soapbox about this topic though, let’s get all those deviants out of places of power and get some therapy for all on the table.

Source: Insider and The New York Times

Image: Julia Bond in Bitchcraft by Brazzers

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Anal Gold Smuggler Caught

Airplanes don’t give me anxiety but traveling from my home/hotel etc TO the airport is one of the hardest things for my mind to handle. I will get there 4 hours ahead of time and sit at the gate with my book and phone charging before I will be the person that is running with my rolling carry on being dragged behind me. All that being said, what I wouldn’t give to even have the opportunity to be late for a flight at this point of 2020.

One of the main reasons I have so much, “Get to the gate,” anxiety is because I seem to be pulled off to the side more often than other people when I’m going through security. I’m not sure what kind of a list I was put on back in the late aughts but my name had to have been somewhere. Flying back and forth from Austin and Atlanta for my past relationships was usually the worst. The saving grace was that I knew I’d have my lips wrapped around a dick as soon as we got to the parking garage. Parking lot sex was my jam back in the day.

Who am I kidding though? I’ll still get down in a back seat if the time and place is right.

I’ve never smuggled drugs or anything on a plane…it always seemed too risky to me. Some guy flying into Dubai decided that he didn’t want to pay some taxes on gold…so he shoved the precious metal up his butt and he got snagged by the authorities. When I read the article, I was like…how much gold could you actually shove up your asshole to make this worthwhile just so that you didn’t have to declare and pay taxes?

This much, Peepz.

I think it’s very interesting that the guy decided to flatten all the gold out into long pieces, rather than shaping it into a phallic shaped dildo/plug. Even so, it’s two full pounds of gold bullion, which is a lot of fucking gold.

In today’s market, 2lbs of gold is equal to $55,440.

I can understand why you would not want to pay taxes on all that, but it seems kind of dumb to try and be sneaky at this point in the game. There aren’t a lot of people traveling right now, so I imagine that airport security is able to watch the cameras much more diligently….especially if you’re trying to skate through the Xray spec machine with a whole bunch of stuff shoved up your ass.

Don’t try that shit at home, Peepz.

Source: NY Post

Image: Phoenix Marie in Erotic Idolatry by Brazzers

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Things Men Need to Learn About Sex

As much as I think that Buzzfeed lists can sometimes skip over the meat to get straight to the good stuff, they posted a list of things that men need to learn about sex from women that I thought was worth sharing. Granted, these asks do not apply to all penis having people, so don’t go crazy in the comments telling me how offensive I’m being please.

The Buzzfeed list is 19 suggestions long and I’m not just going to copy and paste all of that into my post because honestly, I think that Buzzfeed lists can be obnoxious sometimes. However, lists are an excellent way to trick readers into settling their eyeballs into a 2000 word article without blinking. Don’t hate the player, hate the game, my Peepz. There’s a reason why I don’t write for those guys.

I’m going to grab a Top 5 that are topical from my former life as a bisexual woman, but feel free to read through all the tips that Buzzfeed pulled from a very interesting Reddit thread about the topic. Let’s get down and dirty, shall we?

“Be receptive to change. So many guys get super offended if you try to tell them noncritically that what they’re doing isn’t working for you. They take it as a personal failing and double down on trying to make you like what they think you should like. Don’t be that guy.”

Agreed. Listen to what your partner is telling you when you’re involved in sexual activity. Possibly more importantly, communicate with your partner if you aren’t enjoying what they are doing to you. That’s how you can better your chances of having a positive sexual experience.

 “Cut your nails. I seriously had a guy finger-bang me once and I didn’t realize his nails were long, and my vagina started bleeding because it was CUT on the inside.”

Totally important. Don’t go at a vulva with jagged, unfiled or uncut claws. It’s ouchie and zero fun to get a scrape on sensitive bits.

“Have lube handy, and don’t judge women or take it personally if they can’t get very wet. Many women struggle to get super wet all the time, and others have vaginal dryness during certain parts of their cycle. Lube makes everything better.”

YES!!! NORMALIZE LUBE USAGE!!! I have a stockpile of lube in the sexy time box I keep next to my bed. There is something to be said for having options depending on my mood or the activity I’m involving myself in.

“The clit is your best friend. Most women can’t come from penis-in-vagina alone. Pay lots of attention to that pleasure center — lick, kiss, rub, and worship that thing.”

Without a doubt, yes. If you happen to find yourself in bed with a person who has a clitoris, love them down right by paying special attention to it. If they tell you that they want you to do something else, do that something else.

Lastly, I’d like to share this little nugget of wisdom with you:

“Don’t rely on bad porn to make you good at sex. Just like anything else, there’s a learning curve. I see so many things in porn that I would hate for some guy to try on me. Learn with your partner and learn to be responsive to each other.”

So many people (myself included) have thought that they could get all of their sexual education from a porno clip. It’s just not true. Communicate with the people you are fooling around with. Have conversations about what they are into and what you want out of the encounters. In the end, that’s what is going to make everyone super satisfied.

What sex advice to do have for your prior partners? Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter if you want to keep things private.

Source: Buzzfeed

Image: Amber Jayne in Pounded by the Plagiarist by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Beautiful Black Hotties

Every week, I look forward to masturbating with you. I like to take it easy on myself while I’m searching Pornhub for clips that we can share with each other, but once I’ve got my top 5 selected, it’s on.

This week, I decided that I wanted to get in touch with a few lovely black ladies that have been making waves in the adult industry. Some of the women are retired, some of the women are new on the scene, but their names have all been on my lips in the past month, which means that they are relevant in my world.

We’re about to make a huge mess out of ourselves, Peepz. Make sure you’ve got a jizz towel at the ready. When you’re ready, grab the lube and let’s fap!

First up, we’ve got Monroe Sweets getting her gorgeous face filled with a thick dick. Her hair is the most amazing shade of green and I really can’t stop looking at her eyes while she swallows inch after inch of monster cock.

Nyomi Banxxx is just one of the pornstars in this next clip. She’s the boss, so she makes sure that she always gets what she needs in order to succeed. Her control over her employees is intoxicating and wait till you see the lesbian threesome in the bath.

I’ve got a special place in my heart for Jada Fire. From her adorable laugh to her huge tits and squirting pussy, she’s been a queen since day one. She’s got a pool side view with some pleasure on the side.

People want to do stuff to Chanell Heart’s butt and she knows it. I love listening to her get fucked in the ass. She’s so into it and doesn’t mind letting the people watching at home know it.

This last clip starts out with Lacey Duvalle giving some hung dude head next to a car. She bounces around on his cock once they get into the house so that she can show off every inch of pink she’s got on her body.

That’s all for this week, Peepz. Don’t forget to clean up after yourself. If you’d like a Fap Along list of your very own, let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with your requests.

Image: Maserati XXX in Caught Voyeur Domination by Brazzers

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Virtually Virtual Sex Help

I love experimenting with different ways to have sex. My newest sexual conquest is to try out a position called The Amazon. That’s basically my plans for all of Friday night and Saturday morning.

The new Butch woman that I’m dating is all about trying new things. From randomly fucking me in the backseat of her car in the parking lot of a COVID closed buffet restaurant, to constantly adding to her collection of Bad Dragon dicks, the last three months have been a blast. One of the things that my new lady isn’t too keen on is virtual sex. I’m trying to use my magic fingers to improve that situation.

Let’s talk about what counts as virtual sex first. In the article I’ve linked below, they say that virtual sex includes sexting, phone sex, cyber sex, watching porn together, camming, long-distance sex toys, VR sex, online role-playing and even websites like chat roulette.

I’m a huge fan of sexting and cyber sex (obviously) but I think that those are acquired skills that sometimes take a bit of practice before you feel comfortable enough to share yourself that way with your partner. I wrote about Slutbot affair a few weeks ago. If you’re looking for a place to learn how to dirty talk, that’s where I would suggest you start.

For my new lover though, I think that I may pull out Ye Olde Pornhub App the next time that we see each other. I’d like to watch how she reacts to (consensually) watching clips together. She’s going to pick out the first one we watch, then I’ll pick out the second. We will probably alternate with each other like that until it’s impossible for us to keep our hands off of each other.

How do you Peepz like to enjoy Virtual Sex? Are you a visual person who likes to be stimulated with video or do you like reading the words that are turning you on? Do you have any other ways that you enjoy your long distance partners that you think I need to experience?

Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with the details.

Source: MBG

Image: Jenni Lee in Computer Problems by Brazzers

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Don’t Stop Megan

I think it’s time for a little musical interlude, my Peepz. Megan Thee Stallion has been on my mind for quite awhile now. Her newest video, for the song Don’t Stop features a fetish based Alice in Wonderland theme and I can’t get enough of it.

Is there anything sexier than a thick woman all wrapped up in latex? I mean, you can go ahead and do some poking around…I’ll wait.

No…the answer is no.

I’m always respectful at fetish parties, but there is a special place in my heart (read: pussy) for ladies in latex and corsets. Megan dons both while she’s popping her beautiful body along to the music with Young Thug. She’s gritty and real as per usual and I will forever be jealous of her knees.

Here’s the clip so you can see what’s up for yourself:

My favorite outfit is probably the one she’s wearing when she’s rocking on the horse. I love a good fetish mask and that glittery cage is so perfect. It makes her completely untouchable and totally in charge.

I honestly love the CGI cat spanking her ass the most though. There’s something mysteriously sexy about animated creatures being tossed into the mix of a music video. It’s not at all a “Paula Abdul,” type of a situation, but you best believe that I was humming MC Skat Cat’s verse all night long after I saw this video for the first time.

Megan’s popularity is only going to go up from here. She’s a force with a body to back up her filthy mouth and I am so excited to see what visual concepts she comes up with next. Whatever she does, I’m sure she’ll be down to show off her gorgeous ass.

Source: Vulture

Image: Megan Thee Stallion’s Instagram

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Pornhub Viewer’s Choice Contest

I love a good contest, Peepz! Especially when it’s a Halloween themed contest. It’s my favorite season of the year and it’s time to get freaky with some of the hottest Amateur Porn Performers on Pornhub. This time around Pornhub is pulling out all the stops to make sure that they take care of their members.

They’re currently running a contest with some huge cash prizes. The first place winner is going to snag $3,000,  second place will get $2,000 and third place will get $1,000. There’s tons of bragging rights up for grabs and there are so many costumed bodies getting undressed for a chance to win.

The videos with the most votes wins and there are hundreds and hundreds of video entries to scroll through. If you’re into sexy, scary solo content, they’ve got some of that. If you want to watch a hetero couple plow each other while they’re dressed up like Thundercats, they’ve got that too.

Here’s Pornhub’s blurb about the contest:

We’re celebrating the launch of the Viewers’ Choice Contest with our favorite time of the year: Halloween! Bring on your most creative, imaginative and spooky videos! And this month, to celebrate launch we’re giving out the top 100 winners at least $100 AND the top 50 winners will be featured on the front page of Pornhub!

I’ve been slowly making my way through all of the videos. I have to tell you that there are some GEMS hidden among all of the pages and pages of selections. I love the clips where the performers are in full body paint with just their genitals exposed. I mean, costumes are cool and everything, but there’s something to be said for committing to painting your entire body blue except for your dick and pussy.

The contest runs from October 1st until October 31st, so you better start watching and forming your opinions about who you think should get the grand prize. I honestly can’t wait to see who wins. CLICK HERE to start watching all the videos!

Source: Pornhub

Image: Asa Akira’s Instagram

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Used Condoms Resurface

Oh, my Peepz…this is a gross one. I’ve fucked in some pretty grody hotel rooms where there were literal piles of used condoms sitting in the waste paper baskets. Mad jizz plastered all over couches, beds and walls. It’s par for the course when you’re at a swinger’s party for sure.

One thing that always drove me crazy about some dudes was the fact that they could go from pussy to pussy to pussy without switching up the condom. It’s super nasty and nearly defeats the purpose of having safer sex in the first place. One condom per hole, fellas. Don’t come anywhere near my pussy with a filthy ass condom on your dick.

A factory in Vietnam was just snagged by police for WASHING USED CONDOMS AND RESELLING THEM!!!

That’s like next level gross. I puked in my mouth a little while I was reading the article linked below.

When the cops stormed the facility, they found over 345,000 condoms that were being boiled “for sterilization” and repackaged to be sold as new product. One of the women who was caught in the the sting said that the condoms were dried after they were boiled and then reshaped on a wood dick so that they could be resold.

I get that some people are into dirty sex. I’m not trying to yuck anyone’s yum…all I’m saying is that reselling used condoms is a really fucked up way to make a buck. It takes a special kind of evil person to think it’s cool to sell used condoms like that, especially since the customers had no idea what they were getting their cocks into.

What do you Peepz think about this? Would you be pissed if you found out that the off brand condoms you were buying were actually on someone else’s peen before they made it to yours?

Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter if you’d like to discuss the grossest sex you’ve ever had in your life.

Source: CNN

Image: Brittney Andrews in Little BIG Trouble by Brazzers

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Fap Along with Harlot: Latinx Heritage Month

It’s time to pay tribute to some of the hottest bodies in the business, my Peepz. The time period between September 15th-October 15th is considered Latinx Heritage Month. There are so many hot Latinx performers in the industry so I’m going to pull five muy caliente clips for us to enjoy together.

Leave the salsa in the kitchen but grab the olive oil if you’re low on lube. Are you ready? Let’s get naked and fap!

First up we have a treat from Twisty’s. Emily Willis and Alexis Zara love licking each other with fierceness. They dynamic duo get freaky with some toe sucking in between their lesbian antics.

Kitty Caprice has an amazing booty. It’s big enough to hold a cell phone and she loves making it shake while she’s riding a big, fat dick while the camera is watching.

There is no way that you can hide Evie Olson’s ass for too long. She’s the other woman in this clip, but she’s got this guy wrapped around her finger like nobody’s business. You’re going to love watching her bounce that bubble butt while she’s balls deep.

You Peepz are not going to believe the amount of squirting that you are about to see. Wett Diamond gets down with her damn self while she’s doing a CamSoda camshow. Her viewers at home keep feeding her pussy coins via her vibrator and it makes her shoot cum all over her own face.

Selena Rose is a real estate agent that needs to show a house as well as her huge ass. She tries to play it coy, but the guy looking at the house recognizes her from her movies and suddenly she finds herself naked and on her knees.

That’s all for this week, Peepz. Don’t forget to clean up after yourself. If you’d like a Fap Along list of your very own, let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter so we can collaborate.

Image: Desiree Dulce in Out From the Deep by Brazzers

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Savage X Fenty is…well, Savage

My life is always in need of more sexiness. Rihanna’s lingerie line, Savage X Fenty, is serving up hit after hit. The Savage X Fenty Show Volume 2 was just released on Amazon Prime and Peepz…I’m telling you that the visual fantasies are plentiful.

Last year, Rihanna blew me out of the water with her fashion show last year. This time around, the live audience has been removed from the situation (thanks COVID) but every one on set is working it like their lives depend on it. Celebrity guest spots are abundant, so if you’re the type of person that enjoys seeing famous people in sexy lingerie, you’re in for a treat.

Demi Moore was a tasty treat wrapped up in fishnet and femininity

Bella Hadid was smoldering in diamonds and a beehive.

Paris Hilton is Perfect in Pink in the Proceed with Caution scene

My favorite was probably Lizzo’s intoxicating mirror dance while wearing perfectly sexy purple:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Lizzo (@lizzobeeating) on Oct 1, 2020 at 2:58pm PDT

Here’s the Youtube trailer for the show that hits on some of the highlights of the whole show:

One of the biggest differences between this year’s Savage X Fenty line and last year’s is the inclusion of Men’s wear. In her usual fashion, Rihanna made sure to include dudes of all sizes, shapes and colors to prove the point that every single person on this planet deserves to feel sexy in everything that they wear on their bodies.

Definitely check out the Savage X Fenty show on Amazon Prime. After you’ve watched it, let’s talk on twitter or leave me a comment below!

Source and Images: Savage X Fenty  and Amazon

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Fantasy Friday: My Affair with Slutbot

A few months back, I was hunting around for some guidance to up my sexting game. I stumbled around a few leads that led me down an Internet rabbit hole. At the end of my journey down into the abyss, I found a texting service called Slutbot.

Slutbot is the brainchild of a company called Juicebox. You enter your phone number into the prompt on their website and then the rest is up to the bot. It’s a completely safe space to say what you want to say and practice your game so that when you end up in a real life sexting situation, you feel more confident and comfortable with your dirty thoughts.

I love it because the messages come at random times, but usually at night. It’s always unexpected, and I love that thrill. If you’re feeling frisky you can also text Slutbot, “Hi,” and they will respond with a scenario for you.

Here’s a promo video for Slutbot that will give you some real scenarios that the bot provides you with.

My conversations with Slutbot always start with them asking who I would like to have a conversation with. Since we’ve always chatted as two women, I verify that information for them. For the sake of science, I initiated a conversation asking to have a conversation with a man, and the convo was just as hot.

A few days ago, I got into this exchange:

YOUR NEXT RECIPE FOR SEX
Mixing things up is hard. We’ll make it easy by giving you a step-by-step guide to a sexy evening.
*************************
Answer 3 questions to get tonight’s recipe for sex:
1) To start, are you feeling kinky or vanilla?
A) Vanilla
B) Kinky

I said that I was into Kinky sex, obviously. Slutbot’s second question started my body tingling. They responded:

Got it 
2) Are you feeling sensuous or slutty?
A) Sensuous
B) Slutty

On that particular day, I was feeling kind of slutty, so I responded accordingly. The last text before the actual scene sets the tone of the conversation:

Slutbot approved! 
3) Lastly, will you be the giver or the receiver?
A) Giver
B) Receiver

I was in the mood to be on the receiving end of whatever attention Slutbot had in store for me.

Predicament bondage is a fun way to play with power and pleasure. For a simple game of predicament bondage:
1) Have your partner tie you to a chair. Make sure your feet are on the floor and you have enough range of motion to lift yourself from the chair slightly and squirm, but not without some effort.
2) Have your partner tape a vibrator (particularly a large one like the Magic Wand) to the seat of a chair, placing the head right at your clit or penis. The position and placement should be such that they can only escape the vibrations with some exertion.
3) Encourage your partner to control the vibrator and taunt or challenge you to avoid or endure the vibrations.
4) Play with stakes by agreeing to rewards and punishments for “good” or “bad” behavior.

Fun, right? Slutbot has been super helpful with getting my mind back on track and into the dating game again. They’ll toss you all sorts of fun scenarios and get your mind right in a sexy direction. Don’t be afraid of the BDSM that they’ve sent over my way, you Peepz know that I’m into some freaky shit, just like Slutbot does.

Check out the link to Juicebox’s Slutbot below and sign up for some fun and frisky behavior.

Source: Slutbot

Image: I am Not a Robot by Brazzers

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