Tinder Strikeouts

I keep telling my single friends that I’m hella glad that I was out of the dating game before Tinder was a thing. Back in my heyday, I was looking for quick and easy hookups with minimal time spent in the “getting to know you” phase of things. That’s why I surfed on Craig’s when I was hunting for cumshots.

People always said that I was a unicorn though. Everyone I came in contact with said that I was the only person that they were able to hook up with off of the website. This has everything to do with the fact that I fancy myself a sexual adventurer and not many other people do. On any given Friday night, I was able to secure dates for the entire weekend, sometimes doubling up on Saturdays and Sundays because I would never turn down an afternoon delight.

The magic wasn’t in the website or the format of the website, but in the user and how they decide to use the dating tool.

Because that’s what these interfaces are.

They are tools that help you meet people that you want to bang.

Now that people are using apps like Tinder, there is even less information to go by. It’s the THINK FAST!!!! Way of doing things that I’m not comfortable with.

I use to give men two message exchanges before I decided if they were worth my time. If the introduction message was bad, they got put on the, “Do not fuck,” list. If the intro was OK, I’d write back to them with a charming message and the second message was the actual test. If dude was a creeper, he got blacklisted. If he wasn’t a creep and was able to compose sentences in my general direction, he was getting my “fake” Google Voice number. One phone call to verify non-creep status was all that it took to meet up in person…and provided you didn’t toss a plate of spaghetti in my lap during the date, I was going to swallow your dick and sit on your face until dawn.

I was never comfortable with judging my dates by their pictures alone…and that’s what Tinder seems to me.

The good news/bad news is that a recent study published in Science Direct says that people on Tinder aren’t having as much luck as any other website. People aren’t hooking up just because it’s easy to swipe right or left. It’s the same Internet dating game that’s been going on since the beginning. People are horny, they want to bang…but finding the right (now) person to get in between the sheets takes a bit of finesse. Users are interested in having no-strings-attached sex, but tons of people are still figuring out how to make that happen.

My trick was always talking to people like they were, you know…people. Common interests lead to sexual chemistry, even if it’s only a one night stand that you’re looking for. Being upfront and honest about your expectations helps too. If your partner isn’t doing it for you, communicate that and explain to them what they need to do to get you off.

Source: Gizmodo

Image: Baseballs in Your Mouth by Brazzers

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Minnesota Cops Can Still Have Sex With Detainees… For Now!

I recently got into Orange is the New Black, a television show about the lives of various people inside a federal prison for women. One character’s entire storyline during the first two seasons revolves around her affair with a guard which results in a pregnancy and the consequences that ensued.

Apparently, it’s illegal for people in custody to consent to having sex no matter what, making any sexual contact with a detained person a crime for law enforcement personnel. After researching the topic online, I discovered that this is true in almost every state except Minnesota- at least for now.

Earlier this month the state House approved a public safety bill that would, amongst other things, close a loophole that allowed law enforcement employees to have sex with people being held in custody. In almost every other state it’s already illegal for a person being detained to consent to having sex with a cop because of ethical issues associated with the imbalance of authority.

For example, a person being held by the police for committing a crime may think they can improve their condition by agreeing to have sex with a police officer they otherwise wouldn’t have wanted to fuck. Making this manner of sexual contact illegal is intended to protect the crime-committing public, but it also kind of makes prisoner sex double illegal forbidden fruit which is kind of hot.

By making it absolutely illegal for people being held by the police to consent to having sex, it prevents people from a position of power from being able to coerce a suspect into having sex. It’s a form of sexual assault that’s all too common in the United States even in places where no such loophole such as the one in Minnesota exists.

Frankly it’s not really that hard to imagine why such laws are needed. It’s easy for people in positions of power over others to be abusive. It could be even worse if they’re already super sexy to boot.

We once read about a detention officer from Arkansas named Jessie Lunderby who was suspended from her job after it was discovered she once posed nude for Playboy. The then 21-year-old became Cyber Girl of the Week on a Playboy website sometime before being employed by an Arkansas jail. When her superiors discovered her nude photos online, they quickly tucked their boners away and removed the Jessie from duty.

I guess sex and jail really don’t mix as well in real life as they do on Netflix.

Via twincities.com

Image: Isis Love in Mall Cop-A-Feel by Brazzers

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Getting Sexy on a Shuttle

My wife and I went to Orlando for vacation. We did hit up all the theme parks, but our favorite day was when we went to John F. Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral. I know you know that we’re the biggest geeks ever, but we legit got off on learning about space.

One of the things that fascinated us the most was how astronauts have to use the bathroom. You sit on a toilet bowl, buckle yourself in and then use a snake camera thing to position this vacuum sucker near your bits. Because there is no gravity, sometimes you have to wiggle yourself around to get everything out of your body and into the vacuum tube. I feel like we looked with wonder at that particular part of the exhibit for about an hour.

While we were standing there, my wife says, “What about jizz?”

“What about it?” I was confused as to why she was pondering dick goo.

“What happens to the jizz when you’re fucking in space? If straight up water turns into droplets, and pee has to be vacuumed up in order to go ‘down the drain’ what happens when you pump a pussy full of cum?”

I had no answer for her.

Maybe that’s why we haven’t colonized Mars yet.

In 1992, the United States sent up Nancy Jan Davis and Mark C. Lee after they had just gotten married. Can you imagine taking your honeymoon to the literal moon? That’d be sweet.

When they were asked about getting it on in the space shuttle, everyone was super tight lipped.

“That’s not any of your business,” is quoted all over the place.

Space pop shots most certainly are my business, right?

Who wouldn’t be curious about the logistics of space sex? How do you get that perfect balance of momentum while you’re thrusting so that you can get off but you don’t launch your partner across the room in zero gravity? Sex in space has to involve some kind of bondage so that at least one of the participants remains stationary. I didn’t come up with that myself though. That’s Neil deGrasse Tyson’s idea. He says in the source article linked below, “You need things like straps. Bring a lot of leather belts. Keep things strapped down and you’ll be just fine. There are probably some people who are fully equipped with this anyway.”

I’m sitting in the back of the classroom raising my hand and squirming like I’ve known the answer the whole time the teacher was talking.

PICK ME!!!! I WOULD BE AN EXCELLENT SPACE SLUT!

Even though I don’t want any space babies. I’m just in it for the bucket list adventure and the knotch on my bedpost.

Source: Genetic Literacy Project

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Over A Quarter Of Millennials Want Older Lovers

Dating in my late 30s has been a great experience. While it’s most likely due to the confidence boost from an increased focus on my health and finally figuring out what I’m doing with my hair, there’s something to be said for just being older. People can see something in the eyes of a person who remembers the cola wars.

The very same demographic that I struggled with just out of college seems a lot more approachable now. If I had known it would be this easy to talk to people, I would have started bleaching my facial hair years ago.

According to a recent poll by Badoo, the world’s largest dating app, I’m not the only one receiving extra attention from a younger generation.

By sampling a database of over 10,000 of their users’ preferences they determined that 26% of people aged 18-24 would date someone over the age of 35. All of those clickbait news articles written by 40-somethings that regularly shit on millennials must have created some kind of Stockholm syndrome because now more than a quarter of them want to fuck us. Cool!

Analysis of the data revealed nearly a third of millennial women have either dated someone more than 10 years older or would be open to it. Though men are a bit less likely to prefer the company of older women, when they do they’re not playing around. About 9% of men stated they would date someone 20 years their senior.

Given what we know about the importance of sex to one’s health, having a younger partner could help improve your brain function as you age.

We once read a study that suggested women between the ages of 50-89 who have regular sex have better short and long-term memory abilities than their less sexually active counterparts. Likewise, older men with healthier sex lives were found to have both improved memory as well as executive function. If someone were to link having a younger lover with having more sex it sounds like we’d really be onto something here.

As for why millennials are more open to larger age gaps when choosing partners, nobody is sure why. Many theories suggest a preference for older men or women stems from attachment styles that develop as a result of an absent parent or attention from authority figures. It has also been noted that people who have a fascination with television shows and movies from before they were born may find themselves having more in common with older lovers than those their own age.

Realistically nobody knows for sure but attributing it to reruns of Full House sounds just as plausible as anything else.

Via chron.com

Image: Adria Rae in Daddy Knows Best by Brazzers

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Airport Accidentally Shows Softcore Porn To Weary Travelers

Flying sucks and the misery doesn’t end once you touch ground. After spending hours locked in a metal tube with a bunch of other people’s farts and germs, it’s time to collect your luggage. Now you’re standing shoulder to shoulder with these schmucks watching their hideous luggage spin around on a conveyor belt.

There’s absolutely nothing that can make this process more bearable… except for porn.

This is what happened at Lisbon Airport in Portugal. A large TV located just above the luggage collection area started playing softcore porn leaving travelers both shocked and amused. The incident happened at 3:00 a.m. and went on for several minutes before an airport employee noticed and changed the station. Hmph!

While the passionate grinding and grunting of a skin flick may have been a welcome break from the monotony of air travel, the airport was embarrassed about the public display after images of the incident made their way around social media outlets.

According to a spokesperson, the TV was apparently tuned to a Portuguese generalist channel that happened to run some late night erotic programing. Dud to the quick thinking of some buzzkill employee, there were no complaints and steps are being taking to ensure it never happens again. Bummer.

This isn’t the first time weary travelers have been bombarded with accidental porn.

A few years ago, people waiting patiently at a Chinese train station were treated to some hardcore Asian pornography when an IT worker mistakenly hooked up his laptop to a giant outdoor display. While a few moments of softcore porn on a TV doesn’t really compare to 10 minutes of hardcore fucking on a 20-foot screen, both instances ended in a few happier commuters.

At any rate, traveling in other countries sounds more fun than traveling in the United States. I’ve never seen a TV at the airport that displayed something other than safety tips. Even with its complete lack of genitals or penetration, softcore pornography would be a welcome change from expensive drinks and small talk with businessmen.

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Manufacturer Says: Don’t Have Sex With Our Robots!

A few years ago we read an article that suggested humans would be having sex with robots in the not too distant future. Though they suggested some kind of sexy, advanced android that would meet both our physical and emotional needs, the current reality of artificial loving is a little bit more rudimentary.

If you own a modern smart phone, you already know how far we’ve come in creating software that can interact with people in a more human way. Siri and Google Now and Alexa can answer questions, manage our schedules and even tell the occasional joke. Attach such a device to a Real Doll and you have the makings of a boring but functional sex robot.

People looking for love from artificial intelligence have another option called Pepper, a robot designed to read emotions and interact with humans. The lifelike robot is supposed to be a helpful companion; making small talk and offering advice while doing everything else you might expect from a tablet computer.

However, its designers are so confident in its ability to emotionally interact with people that you have to agree not to fuck it before you can buy one. Hmm!

Pepper was created by a Japanese company called SoftBank and resembles a large toy robot with arms and wheels. A large tablet computer is mounted on the chest of the robot and serves as a means of interaction and a way retrieving information. Pepper also has a small camera mounted in its head and two large LED lit eyes. Basically nothing about the robot is immediately sexy unless you have some kind of white plastic fetish.

At any rate, SoftBank requires new owners to sign a pledge promising not to cause any harm to the robot or use it for any malicious purposes. There’s also an included clause that prevents people for using Pepper for “the purpose of sexual or indecent behavior.”

The creators of the robot feel that the attentive and innocent nature of the robot may cause someone to fall in love with it, and the exploitability and open nature of its software could lead to it being used for sexual purposes. Pepper does kind of have a nice figure, and if you can pull up some Pornhub on that chest mounted LCD and strap a Fleshlight to it, you have a real good time on your hands.

As an avid fan of Macguyver, I repurpose products for masturbation all the time with flagrant disregard for the manufacturer’s original intention. SoftBank is pretty much relying on the honor system here, and at a price of about $1,600 that contract would have to be pretty convincing to persuade someone from having sex it if they wanted to.

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Man Hospitalized With 5 Day Erection After Taking 35 Viagra

Not that I’m trying to brag, but I don’t have much experience with erectile dysfunction. I’ve only ever taken Viagra once and it was sort of just to see what all the fuss was about. I was expecting to get an immediate erection with the approximate hardness of diamonds, but I didn’t really notice any change. Hmph!

While boredom is hardly a good reason to experiment with other people’s boner pills, I figured if 80-year-old men can take them then I should be. The recommended dosage is one pill which by my math would be plenty safe for a strapping 30-year-old. It’s not like I took 35 Viagra on a dare! That would just be stupid.

Oh, somebody did that.

A 36-year-old British man named Daniel Medforth made the news after taking a handful of the little blue pill as a joke. He spent the next five days suffering from dizziness, hallucinations, and a boner that just wouldn’t quit.

Given that you’re supposed to call the doctor for any erections longer than 4 hours, Medforth quickly found himself in an ambulance.

Though Daniel noted paramedics were very professional about his situation, apparently some staff at the hospital did have a laugh at his expense and for good reason. Rather than having a constant erection for 5 days straight, he would pop a boner at the slightest provocation. Given that it’s impossible to hide much of anything in a hospital gown, his crotch probably looked like a ghost doing the Harlem shake.

All kidding aside, this could have been very dangerous if not deadly.

Viagra has some pretty serious science behind its boner inducing powers last year we read that some researches think that prolonged use of it may cause blindness. Taking 35 at one time was a very reckless thing to do and Medforth is lucky to have escaped the ordeal without serious injury.

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Survey Says: Millennials Masturbate More Than Everyone Else

Reading surveys about masturbation is always an enlightening experience for me. Finding out the average person doesn’t masturbate daily is like spending the night at someone else’s house for the first time and discovering that they don’t use flushable adult wipes in the bathroom. It’s an equal mix between shame and just feeling bad for how other people are missing out.

At any rate I recently read a survey that discovered more than half of millennials masturbate weekly, a rate more than higher than any age group. Hmm.

I’m somewhat of a generational tweener. While there’s no exact science to these kinds of things and the labels placed on people are basically just made up marketing flimflam, I consider myself to be among the youngest members of Generation X. I have the all telltale penchants for greasy hair, Snapple, and alternative rock.

I also consider it a noteworthy display of self-control if I willingly go more than 48 hours without masturbating. Based on my personal experience this survey merely suggests people aged 18-24 are less likely to lie on internet surveys.

The data was collected from 13,000 respondents worldwide aged 18-74 by TENGA, a Japanese company that specializes in male sex toys. They discovered that in America, 92 percent of men and 76 percent of women regularly masturbate with countries all throughout Europe and Asia showing similar results.

In addition to revealing other interesting facts like the increased masturbatory rates of millennials, the survey also suggested that only 18 percent of Americans and 11 percent of Germans feel it is important to talk about masturbation with their significant other. Considering the health benefits of taking a solo ride to pound town, maybe we should all be more open about it.

Almost every week we read about genuine scientific studies that tout the health benefits of masturbation. It’s been linked to everything from lowering cholesterol levels to reducing cancer risk. It’s even been discovered that mutually masturbating with one’s partner can increase interest in sex as well as strengthen emotional bonds between lovers. It’s like a miracle cure-all you can massage out of your own body.

Still, it hardly takes a survey from a sex toy company to deduce that younger people masturbate more. As good as I am now, I was probably even better twenty years ago. If TENGA really wants to help they should invent a safe to store my sex toys in with a built-in grinder that would destroy everything inside if I don’t check in every 24 hours.

That way if I’m about to die or get in an accident I don’t have to worry about my loved ones finding out how I spend all my free time.

Via menshealth.com

Image: Jill Kassidy in Babysitter Caught In The Action by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Pierced Boobs

I’ve been spending a bit of time with my piercer lately. Yes, I still have a piercer even though I’m not heavily pierced anymore. She’s an awesome chick with a forked tongue who owns a piercing shop a few towns over. My wife and I have both gotten work done by her and her all female staff.

We went to Pride together a few weeks ago and she kept running into clients. She’d tell us, “Oh I pierced his dick,” and, “Her nipples were super hard to pierce because they were so small!”

It was like we had the inside track on what was going on underneath the clothes of all these people. That got me thinking about naked pornstars, of course. I put together a list of five PornHub clips for us to enjoy together that involve pierced nipple. Boobs are nice by themselves, but I really enjoy boobs that have sparkles in them.

You Peepz ready? Let’s Fap!

Of course I’m going to start out our pierced nipple play with some Burning Angel goodness. Anna Bell Peaks gets creatively crazy when she has a dick in her hands. Her boobs are great and her butthole is pretty awesome too.

A sweet and sexy fuck session shot in HD is exactly what I’m in the mood for. My favorite part of this video is the titty fucking action. The hot blonde really seems to enjoy the way his dick feels in between her boobs.

When one cock isn’t enough, the hottie in this Bang Bros clip breaks out her toy box so that her man can get her off. Listening to them make each other cum turns me on like crazy.

Scoping out live amateur cam girls is probably the quickest way to find a pierced set of tits. Sarah Banks gets frisky with herself while she’s making some money. We get the chance to watch her pleasure herself and suck off a super long dong.

I’m going to end this week’s fap along with a couch fucking clip (because we know how much I enjoy couch sex). I’m all about this babe’s smaller boobs that are rocking bars straight through them.

That’s all for this week, Peepz. If you’d like a fap along of your very own, hit me up in the comments below or on twitter.

Image: Ask Me Anything About My Big Boobs by Brazzers

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A Single Headline Which Demonstrates How OLD I Have Become

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Candy Ken and Uncle Terry Make a Music Video

You know when you watch something that is so strange you feel like you have to share it with the world? That just happened to me. I’m sorry that I’m about to do this to you.

Candy Ken is super colorful character. In his instagram description, he calls himself a PornHub rapper. He’s a camera whore who loves Hello Kitty, temporary tattoos and very tiny underwear.

I like all those things too, so no hate here.

He’s hooked up with famous photographer creep, Terry Richardson to shoot a video of him rapping in all sorts of compromising positions.

Now, back in like 2015, Lola used to write about Creepy Uncle Terry all the time. It’s been a hot minute since we’ve covered what he’s been up to, possibly because he’s been laying low while allegations of sexual misconduct are being hurled in his general direction.

I mean…yeah. Super fucked up stuff was said about him and I don’t know that I was surprised in the slightest. He’s a creep. We call him Creepy Uncle Terry. He’s probably doing stupid shit that he shouldn’t be doing and making people feel SUPER uncomfortable.

Anyway, Terry Richardson and Candy Ken shot a video that you can’t unsee. I mean, it’s entertaining at least? Idk about his MC skills though. His style is too Eurotrash for my taste. The guy is from Austria though, so that totally makes sense.

No hate.

Swing that Hello Kitty dick around and make some money for yourself…those washboard abs won’t last forever.

You can follow along with Candy Ken’s Internet adventures on any of his social networking accounts linked below. I’m fascinated and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to look away.

Image: Candy Ken

Candy Ken’s Social Networking: Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, Tumblr

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MTA To Allow Sex Toy Company To Advertise On NYC Subways

New York is an amazing and overwhelming city because every block is packed with excellent stores, restaurants, and other businesses. There isn’t a horrible place to spend money in the Big Apple because anything less than spectacular would fail instantly. This combination of high population and economic density makes every visible surface in New York prime advertising real estate.

Thanks to a recent policy change by the Metropolitan Transportation Authority, this is even true for the makers of luxury sex toys.

This hasn’t always been the case as a company that specializes in high end erotic products found out. When Unbound’s tasteful but provocative advertisements featuring a drawing of a woman laying in bed with an assortment of sex toys strewn about was plastered around subways, the image was deemed inappropriate by the MTA.

However, they must have been concerned about what tourists would see because New Yorkers are notoriously impervious to anybody’s bullshit. When someone pointed out a stylized cartoon drawing of a woman with vibrator nearby is just about the least racy thing you could expect to see in New York, the MTA agreed and promptly changed their mind.

Thanks to accusations of unequal treatment from the transit authority, who already allows advertisements for male enhancement pills and breast augmentation surgery, it was decided that Unbound’s ads could remain in place. According to a spokesman from the corporation:

“The MTA has always and will continue to ensure that our policies are applied evenly and fairly. We’re going to direct our advertising partner to work with the company toward a resolution that is agreeable to all parties and allows their ads on the system.”

Unbound commissioned artists Laura Callaghan, Loveis Wise and Kristen Liu Wong to create artwork for the campaign and there isn’t anything inherently erotic about it. They just depict stylized images of women with the kinds of products you could buy from the company. The fact that these products could be used for sexual purposes is more or less irrelevant as literally anything is a sex toy if you’re brave enough.

Polly Rodriguez, the CEO of Unbound, saw the move as more of a band-aid that keeps her current ad campaign going. She hopes that this will eventually lead to a change in policy to protect further ads from companies that specialize in female sex toys from being unequally targeted by censors and critics.

Via nypost.com

Image: Ariana Aimes in Horny vs Homebody by Brazzers

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Glitter Butts…Yes or No?

Having Sex On Line?

I’m freshly back from my vacation and feeling a bit punchy. Spending nine days with my wife in Orlando, Florida did wonders for my temperament, but it made it a bit difficult to concentrate on every day tasks like working. Vacations are better than work every damn time. One of these days I’m going to figure out how to be independently wealthy so that I can leave my day job behind. For now though, I’m just focused on getting through the next 52 weeks until I can take ANOTHER trip.

We visited all the usual Orlando spots, making sure to check out as many people in furry costumes as possible. I can’t even tell you how many rides we went on and, because of that, I feel as though I spent a very large portion of my vacation standing in lines. Patience is a virtue in Orlando. You wait on lines to get tickets, then to get into the parks, then to get through security. Once you’re actually inside, it’s more of the same though.

Everyone has to wait their turn to experience everything that these places have to offer.

I’m always waiting to experience the sexy side of life.

But a bored Harlot is a horny Harlot so my mind started spinning fantasies about how hot it would be to slip my hand down the front of my wife’s pants while we were waiting. The queues are pretty much packed all the time. There are people in every direction so we would have to find a very particular type of spot in order to get the job done.

I read this erotic story when I was in my early 20s that has stuck with me. It was about a woman in China who rode the subway everyday because being smooshed up against people got her off. She would get on the train for no reason other than to get pressed up against strangers with her hand in front of her crotch. All she would have to do is slightly move the tip of her index finger over her mound and she would orgasm before the next station.

Commuting in China sometimes looks like this:

Train stuffing is a real thing Peepz, and I am not sure if that’s something that I’m comfortable with. It’s a challenge to get off in public when there are other people around, especially when they are in such close proximity. But if someone could get away with having an orgasm while they were that tightly packed with people, don’t you think it should be possible when you’re in a line at a theme park?

I have rules though:
No one but the two of us can be aware that we’re playing, and we don’t get kicked out of the park as a result of our actions because that would be zero fun. The last thing you want to do on vacation is get arrested.

We have a year to figure out how to make this happen. If you have any perverse suggestions, please let me know in the comments. If you’ve ever been able to pull something like this fantasy off please let me know!! If you’re shy you can just hit me up on twitter.

Image: Asa Akira in Her Favorite Ride by Brazzers

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Masturbation Roll

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Fap Along With Harlot: Honey Gold’s Skillful Sex

A few weeks ago one of my Internet friends (and frequent Peeperz commenter), Leonard Taylor, brought Honey Gold to my attention and I’ve had a hard time peeling my eyes away. She is one of the stars of The Gift, that PornHub exclusive clip that Young MA directed. Because I made such a big deal about that video (did you watch it? Hit that clickable link above if you haven’t…it’s that hottest) I had to hold off for a few weeks before I put together a Fap Along that was exclusively involving Ms. Honey Gold.

Leonard has been super patient, but right now, I need to get naked and start the masturbation process. I hope you Peepz can keep up with me. Let’s fap!

A backyard massage turns into a sloppy cock sucking fuck fest in this first Bang Bros clip. Honey ends up on her knees with her ass up in the air taking his cock like her pussy is lubed up with butter. It’s hot as fuck, but hold onto that cumshot…we’re just getting started.

When Honey’s husband isn’t taking care of business in the bedroom, she decides to cuck him out while he’s taking a nap. They get loud and rowdy with their sexual encounter, but the husband is so oblivious he doesn’t seem to notice.

There doesn’t even need to be anyone else in the room for Honey to look hot. She starts off this clip with a bright pink vibrator stuffed deep inside her pussy. Her hand works her clit so that she can get off a few times before the stunt cock even enters the room.

A Post hotel room with satin covered furniture is the perfect place for Honey Gold to get down with the get down. She takes on her client’s cock like the pro that she is. Blindfold and all, she rides his face until she’s craving her holes to be filled with his thick member.

When she gets down with other ladies, Honey’s sexual energy explodes all over the place. She hooks up with Aaliyah Hadid and a double sided dildo for her own website.

That’s all for this week, Peepz. I hope you’ve enjoyed Honey Gold’s visual experience as much as I have. Get in touch with me in the comments below or hit me up on twitter if you’d like a fap along of your very own.

Image: Honey Gold in Freshen Up and Hookup by Brazzers

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On My Calendar, EVERY Month Is “Masturbation Month”

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Survey Says: Regular Sex Important For People Older Than 65

There are more people aged 65 or older in the world than ever before. This is especially true in places such as the United States where advances in medicine have increased the life expectancy of the average person. As a result of this aging population we are seeing an increase in television and movies that depict elderly people as being far more lively.

This includes media with sexual active senior citizens, which even only a few years ago was something many people frowned upon or considered too absurd to be realistic. However, this negative connotation of sexually healthy older people is rapidly changing.

According to a recent survey of about 1,000 people aged 65 to 80, sex is still considered to be an important part of one’s life. Participants of the survey confirmed that regular sex is integral to their overall happiness, directly challenging the long-held assumption that interest in sex ends soon after retirement.

Personally, I’m relieved to know I’m likely to be sexual active as a senior citizen because I’m a bit of what most people would call a late bloomer. It’s comforting to know I still have a long ride ahead of me.

The study was carried out by the University of Michigan and was sponsored in party by the AARP. They discovered that 40% of the elderly people who participated are sexually active with 84% of men and 69% of women citing sex as an important part of maintaining a happy life.

These numbers suggest a small subset of elderly people who aren’t sexually active but wish they were and it makes me kind of sad to think about it. Maybe they should try moving to a different community.

A while back we read about a man who was busted for running a brothel out of a retirement community and we assumed most of his clients were other retirees. While these businesses were being operated with questionable practices there has to be some really cool facility somewhere in the country with a really ethical prostitution program. After all, if having sex is important to an elderly person I would certainly hope they are able to find (or pay for) a willing partner.

For whatever reason many people still don’t like to imagine senior citizens having sex. Not me though. With advancements in both plastic surgery and low impact exercise programs it’s really easy to imagine women in their late 60s having sex. It’s even one of my favorite Pornhub searches.

Via theguardian.com

Image: Deauxma in Banging Mikey’s Mom! by Brazzers

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Woman Removes Her Own Breast Implants With DIY Surgery

My sister is a wonderful human being and a bit of an amateur dermatologist. Her desire to rid the world of tiny blemishes was extended to me when she used her various tools, like an electric burning device, to remove a small skintag from my face.

She isn’t squeamish at all. The smell of my burning flesh, large amount of blood, and muffled screaming didn’t deter her from zapping the flap right off my temple. When I asked her if it hurts when she does this to herself she said it does, but the temporary pain is worth it if you’ll look better forever afterwards.

This kind of mentality is not unique to my beloved sister and some people go to even further extremes to improve their physical appearance using DIY surgery.

Recently a woman from Lincolnshire, England made the news after she decided to take matters into her own hands and remove a pair of unwanted breast implants using a box cutter. While many people were quick to criticize the risky procedure the woman said she had a good reason: they were really bothering her and she didn’t want to wait for her health insurance to approve surgery.

Well alright then.

The 49-year-old told British media she received her 36F breast implants 14 years ago. After growing tired of having super-sized boobs she decided to look into having them removed only to find out the procedure wasn’t immediately covered by the UK’s NHS plan.

After learning that the implant removal procedure would cost her £3,000 if performed privately, she finally had enough. The unnatural appearance of the aging and oversized silicone breasts was seriously impacting her life so she decided to do the surgery herself.

The woman purchased a box cutter and made a small incision just under the original scar from her implant surgery after numbing the skin with an icepack. She performed a few initial test cuts before finally digging through the layers of fatty tissue inside her breast but ruptured one of the silicone implants during the process. Yikes!

Being a responsible adult, she finally decided it was time to dress the wounds as best she could and drive herself to an emergency room.

When she arrived at the hospital she presented doctors with a note explaining what she had done, and they rushed to access the damage. Doctors flushed her now deflated breasts with saline spray to remove any leaked silicone and cleaned and dressed her wound before sending her home without the need for stitches.

Doctors called the woman lucky for performing such a procedure on herself without serious consequences. She went on to say she considered the whole thing a success, adding she was happy with the results and her hacked up, saggy breasts are a huge improvement over the old implants.

Honestly, I’m just impressed she had the determination and to carry out the procedure. I could barely stand having a skintag the size of a grain of rice removed without any proper anesthesia.

Via odditycentral.com

Image: Nicolette Shea in Brand New Bimbo by Brazzers

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Want More Orgasms? Blow Your Nose!

Though I often pretend to be a woman in online video games to gain a strategic advantage or special treatment from sexist MMORPG guild leaders, it is my understanding that there are aspects to femininity I’ll never understand. Specifically, with regards to sex and/or being able to wear my underwear for two days in a row while traveling by turning them inside out.

I have been fortunate with my current lover to be with someone that communicates their needs. Though there is no secret to the female orgasm, it doesn’t come as easily to some women as it does others. My current partner rarely climaxes from vaginal intercourse alone which is why our foreplay involves a lot of external stimulation.

Meanwhile I could achieve an orgasm by rubbing my dick in the middle of a dictionary for a minute or two.

Given how common it is for the female orgasm to elude some people, there are many guides and remedies that claim to help. According to a recent a study it may be as simple as blowing your nose before sex as it was discovered women with clear sinuses are more likely to climax.

The study was done by scientists from the Technical University Dresden in Germany wherein they asked 70 adults to rank their sex lives as well as their sense of smell. It is claimed by researches that odors and pheromones produced during sex enhance orgasms so finding a link was the purpose of their questioning.

After crunching the data, it was discovered that 6 of the 7 women with the most unhindered senses of smell climax regularly during sex compared to only 1 of the 7 women with the worst sinus problems. Curious!

We read a lot of studies that claim overall physical and mental health are important factors for a healthy sex life and perhaps having clear sinuses are one of the reasons. Alternatively, you could try eating an apple because in addition to keeping the doctor away there was a study that claimed they contain a chemical that helps stimulate women sexually.

Should clear nasal passages be an equally effective treatment for regular female orgasms, maybe the makers of allergy medications need to hop on board. They can make one of those commercials where a cartoon bee seductively points to her genitals while sitting in a newly opening flower and covering herself in pollen.

Sounds kind of weird when I read it out loud but it would still be a hell of a lot more effective than Bob Dole’s Viagra commercial from the 90s.

Via thescottishsun.co.uk

Image: Ashley Fires in Fighting Milf Temptations by Brazzers

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Pornhub Insights Explores Avengers: Infinity War Porn Popularity

The year’s biggest meme generator so far has been Marvel’s Avengers: Infinity Wars. Millions of people flooded movie theaters around the world to see the MCU’s latest installment so they could continue enjoying the internet without worrying about spoilers.

As an avid movie goer I was surprised to see lines for the movie wrapping around buildings more than a week after it was released. It’s no surprise that the film is on pace to shatter box office records based on the sheer popularity of the franchise among loyal fans.

However, it was once said that with great popularity comes great presence on Pornhub search statistics. Like every pop culture phenomena before it the Avengers have become a hot commodity when people are looking for something to masturbate to.

Never ones to miss a story, the superheroes at Pornhub Insights have taken a look at their anonymously acquired analytics and compiled a handful of graphs for us to enjoy.

Given the regular popularity of the Avengers it’s impressive that searches for Marvel related porn skyrocketed by 356% after the release of Infinity War on April 27. Comic book fans are very loyal to their genres and while characters from DC like Harley Quin and Wonder Woman are more popular at any other time, during the media hype campaign surrounding Marvel’s latest cinematic offering it’s hard to compete with the Avengers.

Using information about your search habits, Google Analytics is able to estimate the age and gender of just about anyone who has ever used the internet. Using this it was determined that women are 28% more likely to search for Avengers porn than men. Additionally, millennials are 88% more likely to indulge in Marvel porn than older visitors.

That really explains a lot about this movie’s fandom.

For a further detailed write up on how Avengers: Infinity War affected Pornhub traffic and other sexy statistics surrounding popular movie franchises, head over to Pornhub Insights to read more.

Via pornhub.com/insights

Image: Mila Milan in The Cat’s Meow (XXX Parody) by Brazzers

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Vintage Harlot: Facesitting, No Dick Sucking

Pro tip for when you are trying to get in my pants:

Don’t demand that I suck your dick in exchange for any Goddamn thing.

Back in 2003ish, I met a photographer on Craigslist that had a legit studio. Like legit, legit. Not just a fancy camera and an eye for images. We met in public so that I could make sure he was kosher (because Craig’s has always been shady). After a few drinks we drove separately to his studio to take some shots.

I changed into some kind of fishnet lingerie ensemble, tossing my ass length hair into pigtails. We shot for a few hours and from the images that I was able to preview, I was really happy with how they came out. Before I left, we made plans to get together the following weekend so that he could give me a CD with all the images on them.

Then things got a little strange.

He started calling me and emailing me a few times a day. I liked the attention, but I wasn’t so much into the guy himself. I wanted pictures taken, that’s what we did. Dude was giving me the creeps pretty hardcore and I had the feeling when we got together, he was going to end up putting the moves on me.

I’m a sexual psychic, I swear.

I showed up at his studio and he answered the door totally naked.

“Jesus, man. Put some fucking clothes on and give me the CD.”

“I feel like you owe me something. A least a little cock suck. I mean the pictures turned out great, don’t you think I should be paid?”

There was no way that I was sucking this guys dick. Like ZERO chance. I can’t stand when people try to pull casting couch bullshit.

I gave him my flirtiest eyes and put my hand on his chest, pushing him into the room. He moved to go sit on a red velvet easy chair that I straddled the prior week, but I told him to throw a towel down and lay on the floor.

“You’re going to eat my pussy and I’m not going to touch your dick at all,” I told him.

He smiled and said something lame like, “Bring it on.”

I straddled his head with my panties still on and rubbed his nose all over my butthole. He asked me to take them off but I told him that I liked it better this way.

Truth was that I didn’t even want him to lick my skin.

I grinded my clit into his chin without stopping, popping off a quick orgasm with the exact pressure that I knew I would need to cum. I could have done the exact same thing with the arm of the easy chair, but I felt like I needed to get my point across. He had a boner the whole time and I did my best not to even look at it.

I took a couple breaths and stood up, straightening out my dress and grabbing my purse.

He looked surprised, “What about me?”

“I could give a fuck about you, honestly. Keep the pictures. Wank to them for all I care,” and then I walked back out of the building and to my car.

Later that night, he emailed me each of the images and apologized for his behavior. I don’t remember if I ever even downloaded them, but I definitely never posted them anywhere and they don’t seem to exist in my private stash. I’d rather never see them again, to be honest.

Image: AlphaHarlot’s Private Stash from 2005 or so.

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Fap Along With Harlot: Brazzers Style

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Now That’s What I Call A Layover!

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Kevin Bacon Gets Caught In Bed

Have you ever been caught having sex? I feel like we all have at one point or another. In pornos it turns into a group sex scenario (or cuckholding, if that happens to be the genre they’re shooting in). In real life it can turn into a super awkward situation.

One of my kinks used to be getting caught masturbating. I’d sit outside my house on the back steps where people never really went. My trusty suction cup dildo would be firmly planted onto the ground. With a long skirt on, I”d straddle the toy and sit on it, slowly rocking back and forth for the most part, but when I needed to cum I’d lift my ass in the air and really go for a ride.

Some of my neighbors would pull up with their cars to park in the lot, so I’d slow my rocking down and pretend to be fucking around on my phone (I’d really be watching porno, but whatever). I loved it when that happened. The unsuspecting people had no idea I had a 9 inch dick shoved into my pussy up to the hilt and I tried to keep my face as calm as possible until they went inside.

Hot right?

While that was sexy, there are plenty of ways you can get caught while you’re having sex. It takes one hell of an imagination to come up with a way that I haven’t thought of. He did it though.

Kevin Bacon decided to make a Funny or Die video about getting caught having sex and I swear that I’ve shown it to like 50 people so far. I had to spread the love with you Peepz because I know you’ll appreciate it as much as I do.

A couple is banging in a bed with white sheets, hoping that they don’t get caught by anyone in the house.

But then they do.

Their love making is interrupted by a duck.

Like, quack.

A duck, with white feathers and an orange bill…and he looks as shocked as any duck would look when they come face to face with two people fucking.

The clip stars Kevin Bacon, Justin Long, Lauren Cohen and Kyra Sedgewick. Having familiar celebrities talking like, “ACTORS!” with a serious edge to their tone only makes me laugh harder. While the “film” itself is great, it’s shot like behind the scenes, extra footage that will make you crack a smirk even if you’re having a shitty day.

Maybe it’s because I’m a fucking perv, but I can’t stop laughing at this.

Here’s the clip for your enjoyment.

A Duck Walks In On A Couple Having Sex (by Kevin Bacon) from Kevin Bacon

Hilarious, right?

So Peepz, I want to know about how YOU got caught in the act. Leave me a comment below or hit me up on twitter if you want to go private with me.

Source: Nerdist

Image: Screenshot from A Duck Walks In On a Couple Having Sex by Kevin Bacon

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