2019 and the Best Sex Ever

My 2019 was filled with ups and downs. I lost two of the most important people that have ever existed in my life, two weeks later I dramatically changed my career path and accepted a new fancy business job, I bought my very first house and I learned once again that not every friendship is reciprocal.

My sex life in 2019 was also a roller coaster. We started out 2019 doing a 30 Days of Intimacy challenge and we’re ending the year out in the same fashion. Last night we were both exhausted so we set a timer for five minutes and made out. It was fun to be quickly close without actually getting all wrapped up in heavy breathing activities. Sometimes that’s all you need to be satisfied, you know?

Was 2019 the year of the best sex of my life?

No, it definitely wasn’t. I was distracted by life for a large part of the year and the focus on my sex drive definitely switched off. It’s to be expected with huge life changes in both positive and negative directions.

No big deal though….It only means that 2020 is going to be a blast in the bedroom.

The at-home-sex-toy-party company Pure Romance conducted a study of 2000 Americans and asked them about their sex lives in 2019.

Here’s a video with some of the results that the New York Post pulled together:

My favorite statistic is that 79% of people are happy with their sex lives. That is a HUGE amount of people. Happy sex lives make for happy Harlots. I’m excited to hear that people are experimenting and learning more about their likes and dislikes when it comes to sexual activities.

How about you Peepz? How did your sex life shape up in 2019? Have you had better years or are you looking forward to beating your personal best in 2020? I’m completely psyched to go on sexual adventures next year. I feel hopeful about the relationships that I have in my life right now and I’m looking forward to forging new ones as the next year rolls on.

Talk to me about your sexual desires in the comments below ro slide into my DMs on twitter if you’d like to keep things private.

Source: NY Post

Image: Cali Carter in The Exxxceptions by Brazzers

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Lex is Changing My Sex Life

Every now and then apps come along that change the dynamics of how people communicate. For the last chunk of time, the world of lesbian dating has been completely lacking in the Online world. One night, a few weeks ago, I read an article somewhere about Lex, an app that was formerly known as Personals and it has completely changed the way I network on my phone.

On Lex’s twitter bio, they describe the app in all caps, as they should, as: FOR LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, ASEXUAL, & QUEER PPL. FOR WOMXN & TRANS, GENDERQUEER, INTERSEX, TWO SPIRIT, & NON-BINARY PPL. FOR MEETING LOVERS & FRIENDS

Yes to all of that. I downloaded the app immediately and start poking around. My wife got home from work a few minutes in, so she ended up downloading the app too. You know who the ladies of Lex love? My wife.

I haven’t messed around on a dating app in 6 years or so. It’s been the same amount of time for her, I think. The difference between Lex and other dating apps is that there are zero visuals. You only get words. In your profile, you can link your instagram profile if you choose to, but there’s no way to share images directly within the app.

It’s fucking refreshing.

Here’s what a post on Lex looks like:

It’s like Craig’s List of old! When you’re on OkCupid or Match or Fetlife or any of the other websites that you can use to meet partners, they’re all so focused on pictures. I want new lovers to fall in love with my words before they even consider meeting me in person. I’d like to connect with someone on a verbal level, discover their humor and sarcasm, before I even pick up the phone to voice verify. I’m all about Pornhub and the visuals when I’m getting off, but when it comes to actual dating, I feel like I can learn a whole lot more about a person by the way they present themselves with their words.

Also, the app isn’t JUST to meet lovers/relationship potentials/romantic partners. It’s to connect with queer people in general. Since I’ve started chatting people up on Lex, I’ve met 5 different people in four different states who are wonderful conversationalists. My wife has started dating another librarian that lives in Brooklyn. I don’t presently have enough time in my life to date, but when I do, it’s all going to happen through Lex.

Peepz, how do you feel about dating via words vs swiping left? Do you think that this type of communication is going to catch on in other social niches or is this strictly a lesbian thing?

Let me know in the comments below hit me up on twitter with your thoughts.

Image: From Lex’s Website

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Fap Along With Harlot: That’s a Stretch

You Peepz know that I’m always down to stretch my box to maximum capacity. I love the feeling of being completely filled up from the inside and then the epic way my muscles start flexing when I’m cumming. When I started poking around Pornhub for Fap Along clips this week, that was exactly what I was in the mood to feel.

Are you ready to watch some ladies get their holes stretched as far as possible? Pants off! Let’s fap!

The foreplay in this first clip is nonexistent. Vanna Bardot goes from giving an interview about her cute figure to being bent over with her butthole stretched by man hands. I guess fingering is considered foreplay, but the gape says otherwise.

Thigh high fuck socks and a soaking wet pussy is all I need sometimes. You’re going to love how her super tiny cunt willingly takes the massive monster cock that she’s getting paid to fuck.

When it comes to pornstars who can take cock, Adriana Chechik  is one of the best. Every inch that can be penetrated, is…and she loves showing off her squirting skills to the camera.

The sexy brunette in this clip can’t play pool, but she certainly can ride a cock. Her butthole pucker winks at the camera when she’s bent over for a POV shot of the whole shabang.

I’m going to finish up this Fap Along with a clip that has a vintage feel to it. It starts out with some innocent swimming and by the end, there’s some pussy stretching sex happening on a bean bag chair. Obviously, I love the water inclusion, but I’m also super into the idea of fucking on a bean bag chair. Difficulty level of that sexual task is definitely an 8.

That’s all for this week, Peepz. Have a very happy holiday season! Enjoy some alone time whenever you can.

Image: Keisha Grey in Stretch Out Those Young Tits by Brazzers

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Don’t Put Balls in Your Dick

I’m going to disclaimer the fuck out of this post, Peepz. Do not try this at home. For real. There is zero reason for you to do anything remotely close to this to yourself because it’s super dangerous and unnecessary. Also, this post may make you feel a little squeemish, so before you click to the jump, make sure that you’re down for hearing the full story.

You good?

Ok cool. I shall proceed.

You know those things called Bucky Balls (no relation to our former editor btw)? They’re these super small magnetic balls that you can fidget with and sculpt into long chains of nothing. I keep a set on my desk at work and will compulsively pull them apart and then let the magnetic fields snap them back together. It’s something to do to pass the time while I’m on endlessly droaning conference calls.

A fourteen year old boy in China was hospitalized because he was curious about sticking these balls into his urethra. They got trapped, so he kept trying to stick more inside himself to “pull them out.” He kept trying and before he knew it there were 53 balls crammed inside his piss hole and he ended up hemorrhaging and in the hospital. After an extensive surgery, he’s OK, but I’m sure he won’t be playing with those balls again anytime soon.

I get curiosity. I did completely ridiculous things with frozen hot dogs when I was young and unaware. The major reason I wanted to write this post was because I feel like the world needs to hear more about safe urethral play.

Sounding is when you stick a long, medical dilator into your urethra. You can sound if you are a penis having person or a vulva having person. They look like this:

As you can see, they vary in width. One of the things that you’ll hear over and over again if you’re into this type of play is that you never ever let go of the sound. The curve of the bar helps to stop it from slipping inside completely, but accidents happen, which is why you always want to stay in control of the tools that you are using.

I think that if more people were aware of sounding as a kink activity, these news stories about Bucky Ball hospitalizations would drastically be reduced. Sex ed is important, Peepz. Knowledge is power.

Source: Daily Mail

Image: Dodgeballs by Brazzers

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Ashley Graham on Pregnancy Sex

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Fap Along With Harlot: Riley Reid

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Netflix and Chill? They Think So

Viral social marketing campaigns are totally where it’s at. We live in a time where television commercials are basically obsolete because all it takes to get a little bit of traction under your brand is a witty post on twitter. A little bit of snark can sell a lot of burgers. Don’t believe me? Ask Wendy’s.

The latest tweet to catch storm was posted by Netflix on December 5th.

what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?

— Netflix US (@netflix) December 5, 2019

Peepz, the responses are fucking hilarious. Major brands that wouldn’t even come to mind at first got in on the action. I’ve compiled some of my favorites because everyone with a perverse bone in their body needs to get in on the joke.

Animal Planet got in on the action:

send me a *good* snake pic

— Animal Planet (@AnimalPlanet) December 5, 2019

Aviation American Gin had one:

"This is delicious"

— Aviation American Gin (@AviationGin) December 5, 2019

But Netflix responded to them with, “Goes down smooth,” which I think is way better.

Paramount pictures totally dropped the ball as well, but Netflix picked it right back up again:

guys, MOUNT was right there…

— Netflix US (@netflix) December 5, 2019

Netflix was honestly the winner of most of the word battles:

lolol even if LINGUS is right there

— Netflix US (@netflix) December 5, 2019

I mean….yes, Netflix…yes!

didnt match the photos….

— Netflix US (@netflix) December 5, 2019

Tazo Tea had the right idea:

and that's the tea.

— Netflix US (@netflix) December 6, 2019

I could keep going for hours, Peepz. There is nothing funnier to me and more of a detriment to my wallet than companies that are willing to go out on a ledge and post some snarky ass sexual shit because it’s trending. I fucking love it.

What a great time to be alive, eh?

Did you have a favorite response from the Netflix post that I didn’t mention? Link me down below in the comments or tag me in that -ish over on twitter.

Source: CBS

Image: Jade Kennedy and London Keyes in Television Tits by Brazzers

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Sexting With a Side of Orgasms

I had a twitter conversation with someone a few days ago about penetrative sex. The man asked his followers if they could live without doing that particular sex act within their relationship. My answer was that I definitely could, and that I hadn’t had sex with a penis in over 6 years.

That’s when it hit me…

I haven’t had sex with a man in over 6 years. For a large portion of my adult life, I was chasing down cock like it was going out of style. Fucking was an art to me, and I was all about getting as much sexual attention as my body could handle. At that point, I was totally into it, but reflecting back I know that my focus was never on the orgasm, it was about the sex.

I think it’s a shame that there weren’t more men out there who were interested in making me cum. Their orgasm was their end goal, and they didn’t really care much if it happened while their dick was in my mouth or my pussy (or my butt or my hands…or even the soles of my feet for that matter). When people have sex, there are different things that they point their focus on.

Should the end goal of all sexual experiences be someone’s personal orgasm? Maybe…but what if the focus is singularly pleasure? Is there a need to climax if what you are experiencing feels that good?

Even within the communication beforehand…dirty talking Online or via text can be a fun activity all on it’s own. There have been plenty of times that the texting was good enough for me to cum. I didn’t actually want the other person to physically touch me, I just wanted the fantasy of their touch….the idea of what type of creative sexual scenario they would come up with.

In my own personal relationship, sexting is usually the appetizer. All day long, my wife and I will chit chat about all the filthy things we want to do to each other. When the day is done and we’re both home, sometimes we bang like crazy, but sometimes we fall asleep and cuddle. Sex is not always the end result. It’s the pleasure that we get from making each other squirm that is our actual end goal.

What about you Peepz? When you sext with someone, are you looking strictly for the physical sex or are you in it for the masturbation fantasy? Hit me up in the comments below with your answers or slide into my DMs if you’re feeling daring.

Source: Insider

Image: Bonnie Rotten and Zoey Monroe in Squirt Training by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Dirty Mechanics

My day job is sending me on a business trip tomorrow to the great state of Massachusetts. I don’t mind the traveling, it’s kind of exciting even though I miss my wife and our pets. My car has been acting up the last few weeks though, so rather than risk driving through the frozen tundra of New England with an iffy Fiat, I figured I’d take it in to see my mechanic to get an oil change and see what was up.

He didn’t see anything wrong with my car, but he was eyeing up my Pornhub sweatshirt. When he asked me about it, I told him that I write for Peeperz and that I’m always happy to wear company swag to do a bit of low key promoting while I’m out and about. We had a fairly decent conversation about what type of porn he likes, so this week, I’ve decided to pay homage to my friendly car repair guy with a Fap Along involving his profession.

Are you Peepz ready to have some fun? Grab your favorite jizz towel and let’s start fapping!

The mechanic in this first clip is only interested in fast cars, big tits and cold beers. I’m more of a whiskey fan myself, but I’m not going to judge. The curly haired redheaded brat doesn’t actually understand how much fixing a car costs, but she’s going to find out soon enough.

Time for a role reversal! Ashley Adams is a hot to trot mechanic who is more than willing to take some long, hard cock in lue of cash. She does good work, whether we’re talking about under the hood or in between the sheets.

Aidra Fox needs everything lubed up, from top to bottom. The shifty mechanic cuts her timing belt in half so that she has no choice but to pay with her pussy.

The pussy eating in this video is fucking over the top amazing. As far as I’m concerned, there can never be enough clit licking in a porno. The German mechanic in this clip seems to totally agree with me. Wild Vicky is the tattooed orgasm junky who gets to feel all the stimulation she can handle.

Last on the list today is another mechanic looking for payment in the form of pussy. She doesn’t want to tell her dad that she fucked up the gears so she takes a pounding from a guy down at the garage to set the bill straight.

I’m going to have to come up with a different scenario for mechanic porno and shoot some myself, I think. Car sex is fucking hot as hell, but bartering all the time gets old. What if the person was so appreciative that their car was fixed that they tipped the mechanic in oral? Or if the wife of one of the mechanics comes to the garage to drop off his lunch and gives him an afternoon delight?

The possibilities are endless…someone should start filming.

If you’d like a Fap Along of your very own, hit me up in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with the details.

Image: Stephanie Cane in Mechanic Teen by Brazzers

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Mystery Vibrator Arrival

I got home from work last Wednesday night and there were a bunch of packages sitting on my doorstep. It’s December, so that’s not at all surprising. I’m on Amazon and Etsy more than I’m texting with my friends these days. It’s the season of giving and everyone is getting in on the action.

One box wasn’t from a company I ordered from though. I was familiar with it…I’ve been buying sex toys from SheVibe for years, but I definitely haven’t purchased anything for my own orgasmic pleasure since the summer. Sex toys randomly landing on my front porch during a particularly stressful week? Sometimes I have the best luck.

I opened up the box and the mystery became curiouser. A vibrator was inside, but not just any vibrator…it was a sex toy that I have been pining over for months but was never ready to pull the trigger on.

I’m a self-admitted sucker for packaging, and the Sensevibe Classic has all the bells and whistles that I’m looking for. The design is sleek and sexy. It has a power punch that’s exactly what my body craves. Just look at this thing!!!

The case keeps the vibrator free from dust and gross stuff in the air and it is also the charger. I’ve got the box set up right next to my bed for easy access when I’m ready to roll. I love the fact that I can keep my toy fully changed at all times. One of the worst things you can do to me is leave me with a vibrator that is dying. You know what sucks? Being three seconds away from orgasm when the vibrator dies.

I love the way that this fucking thing fits in my hands. Both the shaft and the clit stimulator vibrate, and there are a variety of rumble settings that you can flip through. The best part? It’s waterproof. Not like, sort of waterproof, but completely submersible. Because it charges wirelessly in the fancy box, there are zero holes for that pesky H2O to seep through. If I was going to pick a toy for myself, this is the one that I would have picked.

I’m not sure who sent me this amazing vibrator, but I’m appreciative. My baths this week have been filled with some fairly intense orgasms and I owe it all to you. Maybe Santa is real after all.

Images: SheVibe

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Butthole Sunning

I love crazy trends. Back in the 60’s, people stuffed themselves into telephone booths and Volkswagen Beetles. In the 80s people teased out their hair while wearing shoulder pads and playing with micro machines and saying, “Where’s the Beef?” The 90s had people doing that Arsenio Hall punch-the-air, bark-like-a dog thing in Co-Ed Naked, Big Johnson shirts.

The awesome/not so awesome thing about now is that the Internet exists, so now we have visual evidence of all the fads that catch on for blips of time.

Sunning your butthole has become one of those trends, Peepz. And I’m here for it, but probably not for the right reasons. I just think that showing off your naughty bits outdoors is sexy.

Instagram influencers/hippy hipsters are letting the sun touch their bums because they believe that the practice is filled with healing energy.

I’m not about to say that this practice doesn’t work. If I’m being honest, I wear crystals every day, meditate a few times a week and can totally vibe out to the sound of singing bowls. I also love being naked outside, so why not just grab my ankles and join in on the fun like Metaphysical Megan over on insta?

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 𓂀 𓋹 Metaphysical Meagan 𓋹 𓂀 (@metaphysicalmeagan) on Oct 21, 2019 at 7:57am PDT

Listen, I get it…it’s so freeing to be outdoors without any clothes on. I’m just not sure that sunning my asshole is going to feed my body with any more positive energy than if I was just sitting there. Is the butthole a gateway to happiness? I mean, yes…but again, not in the way that Instagram Influencers would have you believe.

View this post on Instagram

Butthole sunning Bum Sunners: @jamesoncamden @wildtreeman Tashi

A post shared by I am Ɍ Δ:Human Teacher/Student (@ra_of_earth) on Oct 6, 2019 at 5:44pm PDT

I mean, you do you…you know? I’ll keep on wearing my hematite and onyx to keep my vibe straight, you toss your asshole up to the sun to get your vitamin D fix. If you’re not harming anyone, who cares, right?

What do you Peepz think about this trend? Are you curious about butthole sunning and getting naked outdoors, or do you think it’s a crock of shit? Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with your thoughts.

Source: Health

Image: Luscious Lopez and Katija Kassin in Going Once, Going Twice…Buttsex! by Brazzers

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My Tits in Your Mailbox

I fucking love the holidays, Peepz. The whole world seems a bit happier and I’m always so grateful to celebrate another year coming to an end while another one is starting up fresh. This year has been a roller coaster of happiness, sadness and all around change…and I’m so excited to begin 2020 anew.

Every year for the past 14 I’ve spread the word about my very special holiday cards. I put stamps on them and mail them out to anyone who requests them…it’s my way of saying thanks for reading/watching and perving out along with me for all this time. The special part is what’s inside though.

Spoiler alert: It’s a print of my boob. I slather myself up with paint, smoosh my boobs onto the card…let that fucker dry and put it in the mail to you.

Here’s an Xtube clip from 2011 where you can watch my “special” printing process.

Boob Printed Cards powered by XTube

Obviously, each card is completely personalized and unique. Sometimes people get boob stamps where you can actually see my nipple…sometimes they look like indistinguishable paint blobs…either way, it’s one of my favorite holiday traditions and I’m totally psyched to do it again this year.

If you would like a boob printed holiday card straight from me to you, please slide into my DMs on twitter (or shoot me an email at alphaharlot at gmail dot com) with your name and address. I’m 100% discrete and I do not put my return address on the envelope, so no one but you and I will know what secrets are inside the card.

I won’t sell your name and address or rat out the fact that you like looking at naked people in your spare time. Promise. It’s totally our secret.

I’m pretty sure that there are only 3 people that have the complete Harlot Boob printed card collection, but it’s super fun to collect the new card every year.

Hit me up if you’d like one!!!

Image: Harlot’s Private Stash

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Fap Along With Harlot: Vamping with Vixen

Peepz! It’s Sunday! My weekend was filled with visiting relatives and entirely too many animals running around my home. Last night, my wife and I kicked everyone out and told them to get a hotel because it was way too much for our childless lives to handle. I don’t know that I appreciated how quiet things usually are in my home until we closed the door on our last guest.

Anyway…it’s fucking masturbation time because my pussy is needy and I haven’t been able to orgasm in 4 days. Today, I pulled five clips from Vixen for us to enjoy with each other. These videos are shot beautifully. The scenery is sexy and the ladies are even hotter. Are you ready to get off with me? I’m thinking we leave our undies on and manhandle ourselves accordingly….Let’s Fap!

First up is sex in paradise. You’re going to see this as a recurring theme this week, I hope you don’t mind. We start out with a blowjob on the beach and then move back up to the hotel room for some spread eagle banging.

With ships is the distance standing by to watch, Gabbie Carter and Little Caprice get busy with their toes in the ocean. Even though the threesome only just met, they know exactly what each person needs.

Kendra Sunderland has beautiful tits that are topped off with pierced nipples. Her jewelry sparkles under the bright lights and hypnotize Manuel Ferrara into submission.

Harley Dean doesn’t care which position she’s getting fucked in…she’s an Ace with them all. My favorite to watch is definitely when she’s going at a cock reverse cowgirl and grinding her bubble butt right back into his shaft.

Two besties decide they want to bang and bring an innocent bystander along for a good time. Cecelia Lion and Khloe Kapri are no match for the legendary monster cock of Mick Blue.

That’s all for this week, Peepz. I’ve made a sloppy mess of my panties and it’s time for me to take a shower…I suggest you do the same.

If you’d like a Fap Along of your very own, hit me up in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter.

Image: Mia Split in Flexible by Vixen

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