Even if you don’t watch college football, if you are in a relationship with someone who does, if you own a television, or routinely interact with other humans, then you probably know the college football season has just ended with a contest between a team of waterfowl and team of… well, whatever the fuck a “Buckeye” might be.
I tried to watch some of the Big Game with my husband, but he seemed to be rooting for both teams (and maybe against the refs) which confused me even more than the rules regarding what is or isn’t considered a catch.
After a while, I just sort of half-listened while reading a Rolling Stone article about a bunch of dirty cops in Texas, because the game itself was pretty uninteresting.
The waterfowl defense just couldn’t tackle one of the Buckhounds (or the Shucksters, or whatever) and as a result he spent pretty much the whole night celebrating in the end zone. Also, the quarterback of the Buckshots appeared to be eleven feet tall and made of sentient, flexible stone – which seems unfair, but whatever; that’s football, I guess.
What I do find interesting, however, is a new college football recruitment tool which I believe could be a “Real Game Changer,” as Herb Kirkstreet of ESPN might put it.
Before we get to the Real Game Changer, though, I have to back up a bit and explain how this new recruitment device might come into play.
As it turns out, the Bucksnots not only have a giant quarterback made of thinking, self-propelled stone, they have two other quarterbacks who outwardly appear to be normal humans, but who can actually throw an oblong leather ball accurately enough over distance, and/or run fast enough, that the giant actually started out the year on the bench.
Now that Goliath has presumably established himself as the Buckhurts starter, the scuttlebutt is the other two quarterbacks – the normal-sized ones – might transfer to another school. This notion has coaches and athletic directors everywhere positively salivating.
While drooling is nothing unusual for football coaches or athletic directors, in this case it’s the prospect of a former Buckear quarterback transferring to their program which is necessitating the donning of bibs and use of sippy cups.
That’s where the new recruiting tool comes in. It’s an idea as brilliant as it is simple, and it doesn’t involve alumni or sports program “boosters” to deliver garbage bags filled with cash to mysterious figures standing in empty parking garages.
What is this new Real Game Changer in college football recruiting, you ask?
Two words: Porn stars.
Granted, not every school is going to be able to bring a porn star booster to the table who has the same sort of star power as Mia Khalifa, but not every university has a billionaire shoe company owner as a backer, either.
Think about it: What could be better for your program than to land the next Rob Gronkowski, or at the very least, the football version of Charlie Sheen? (I hear tiger’s blood is way more efficient in restoring electrolytes than is Gatorade….)
Another positive with the porn-star-as-recruitment-device approach is that it could help to level the playing field between big name powerhouse programs like the Buckfutters and smaller athletic programs at so-called “mid major” schools. After all, there’s a hell of a lot more porn stars in this country than shoe company-owning billionaires.
Presumably, porn star recruitment efforts won’t be limited to drawing in potential football stars (although clearly it will be limited to targeting athletes over the age of 18), nor need it be relegated to use at the college level alone.
Every off-season in every major sport, so-called “free agency” changes the face of teams and organizations. Last year, for example, the Chicago Bulls signed a tall, Spanish ectomorph named “Pau” to a contract without the use of a porn star. Maybe if they had used a porn star, they could have attracted a player who possessed all four letters needed to spell his first name? (I’m just sayin’.)
Only time will tell whether the full potential of the Real Game Changer that is the porn star recruitment technique is ever put to the real-world test of widespread use in the college athlete and/or free agent recruiting markets. Frankly, given the inherent advantage larger schools and pro teams from larger markets have over their smaller brethren, it might be the last best hope for true fairness and parity in sports.
Until then, here’s some advice for all you sports gamblers out there: When the spread is against them, always bet the Bucknuts.
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