Four French Quarter Clubs Busted For Prostitution

Getting older has drastically changed how I approach partying. In college when I would go out there wasn’t a lot of thought behind it, it was just a matter of having enough money. Now that I’m a slightly older adult, things have become more complicated.

Staying up past midnight requires a lot of planning. A genetic predisposition to diabetes and awareness of my calorie intake can make a night out difficult when busy bartenders don’t have time to talk to me about low sugar mixers. Though I have substantially more money than I did when I was in school, going out and getting plastered is a rare treat.

In other words, going out as an adult is a big deal and it comes with higher expectations for a good time.

When you only cut loose a few times a year you’re going to need a few guarantees. While college students who go out every weekend may be ok with a night out being a dud, adults want to make sure they’re going to have a good time. That’s where drug dealers and prostitutes come into play.

However, as 4 clubs in New Orleans’ French Quarter found out, offering these amenities in your business carries a heavy risk.

The Big Easy isn’t just a location for Mardi Gras parties. It’s a year-round party destination for adults all over the country looking to have a good time. Like every other city where drinking is the primary attraction, it’s also heavily associated with hookup culture. People going to the French Quarter to party are trying to get laid and the best way to guarantee that is to pay for sex.

Unfortunately, that’s illegal in the United States. For allowing prostitutes to work in their clubs amongst other infractions, Stilettos, Hustlers Barely Legal, Hunks Oasis and Ricks Cabaret have been hit with heavy fines. At least nobody was lured into a booby trap.

The last time we read about someone using nudity to do illegal things in New Orleans, a woman attempted to rob an Uber driver using her breasts as bait. She summoned the man and requested he come to her door which she then answered naked. After accepting the invitation into her home, the driver was attacked by the woman’s boyfriend who tried to rob the victim at knife point.

Though the four clubs busted in a raid by The Louisiana Office of Alcohol and Tobacco Control weren’t doing anything this devious, for promoting prostitution, lewd acts, and illegal drug activity they had their liquor licenses suspended.

For clubs in one of the country’s busiest party destinations that’s a pretty heavy blow.

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Getting Your Girl to Watch Porn with You: A How Not-To Guide

Knowing that I’m part of that relatively rare breed of women who actually enjoys watching hardcore porn (um… some hardcore porn, that is), male friends of mine often ask for advice on how to approach the subject with their own girlfriends and wives, as though I might have some magic insight into the question because I have the same kind of genitals as their significant others.

The truth is, I have no secret or special techniques for how to start that potentially awkward (or worse) conversation, but I can and do give guys tips on how not to broach the subject, tips that are indeed grounded in my gender’s general perspective on sexuality and taste – and, crucially, lack of the latter of those two things.

First, the best way to approach the subject is “directly but verbally.” In other words, don’t just jump up out of bed one evening, announce that you have a “surprise” for your girl, then fire up a scene from Throat-Gagged Cum Whores Vol. 7. Before you even contemplate pulling porn up on the screen, you need to make sure the idea isn’t completely, inalterably repulsive to your lady friend. How do you do that? Well, I know this is going to sound awful, but… you have to actually talk to her about it, first.

The best way to bring it up is pretty directly, but not quite as directly as simply piping up with “Hey, want to watch some porno with me?” out of the blue one day. Instead, approach the subject in crablike fashion; maybe mention that you read somewhere recently that more women are watching porn these days than ever before (which is probably bullshit, but also sounds like something that might reasonably come out of a study at some west coast university with a name that ends in “Polytechnic”) and ask your girl if she has ever watched porn. If her response boils down to “No, and only a sick-fuck asshole would ever ask me to do so,” it’s probably best to just let the issue die, right then and there.

If you establish that she’s curious about porn, or open to the idea, then you just might be in business. You’ll have to judge for yourself as to whether it’s best to push ahead with the subject right then and there (possibly depending on whether you’re in your living room at the time, or sitting across the table from her at an IHOP) or bring it back up later, but at least you’ll know she’s not going to leap up and gouge your eyes out with her thumbs when the subject does come up again.

The next step is figuring out what to watch – or try to watch – with your girl, once you’ve settled that she’s OK with it. Again, the ideal way to go is to find out what she’s open to before you try it. The process of selecting something to watch together can be pretty fun, in itself. Personally, my catty side comes out in that situation, and I have fun being hypercritical of things like snaggleteeth or fucked up looking feet on women who are, admittedly, pretty hot.

What you do NOT want to do is spring the wrong kind of porn on your girl. If you are looking for an efficient means of getting your lady to dump you on the spot, sudden and unsolicited exposure to the works of Max Hardcore should do the trick, but if you actually want her to watch – and enjoy watching – the porn, don’t immediately reach for the nastiest gonzo porn you can find.

It’s also probably best not to start with girl-girl stuff, unless you’ve established that your GF is bisexual or bi-curious. Think of it this way: would you want to watch gay porn with her? No? Then what makes you think she wants to watch a woman eat pussy any more than you’d want to watch a guy suck cock? This might seem like common sense, but I’ve had two guys spring girl-girl on me, on the theory that I’d find it “less threatening” that hetero hardcore. (To give you an idea of how accurate that theory was, those two motherfuckers both spent the night on the couch….)

The bottom line here is that the more you communicate with your girl about the subject first, the more smooth and enjoyable the experience will be throughout. It’s hard for you guys, I know, but asking questions and then actually listening to what she says is the key here. Also, keep in mind that the odds are pretty good that your girl doesn’t want to watch any kind of porn, even if it stars Brad Pitt, and he spends the whole time nailing a woman who looks exactly like her. Many women just don’t dig the porno, and you have to respect that fact and resign yourself to the fact that any porn watching you’re going to be doing will be by yourself. Either that, or resign yourself to spending every damn night on the couch.

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Man Arrested For Running Brothel Out Of Retirement Community

I’ve noticed a startling new trend sweeping the nation. It’s not teens eating Tide pods or millennials ruining some outdated industry- it’s far more dangerous than that.

People are running brothels out of retirement communities with alarming frequency in the United States. This is almost as shocking as the logical conclusion that other retirees are probably their main customers.

After watching several older family members retire and face new kinds of financial hardships, I can kind of see where the problem comes from. Fixed incomes in an unstable economy can make for extremely tight budgets. With prices increasing faster than cost of living adjustments, some retirees may be forced to find other ways of making money.

Running a brothel out of your home can be a lucrative temptation and as one man from Ocean County, New Jersey found out, selling drugs from the same premises can be even more rewarding… until he got caught.

47-year-old Jason Scala was arrested after police discovered he was dealing cocaine out of his home in the Berkley Township retirement community. After residents complained about the high volume of cars visiting his residence at all hours, police obtained enough evidence to get a warrant. After he was raided they discovered he was not only operating a crack house, but also a brothel.

We previously read about a similar case where two men from Massachusetts were picking up drug addicts and forcing them into prostitution in a different retirement community. Not only were these men arrested for possessing drugs and promoting prostitution, they also faced some human trafficking charges. Given the similarities between this case and the one in New Jersey, could be facing an epidemic? Perhaps.

In addition to the prostitution and operating a drug house, Scala was also offering illegal tattoos. That’s three illegal businesses in one building!

I don’t know what line of work Scala retired from to end up in such a community at the tender age of 47, but it sounds like he was very industrious before turning to a life of crime. Maybe he has a political future in New Jersey.

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ICE Agent Sends Unwanted Sexual Texts, Federal Secrets To Anchor

One of the ways to measure the size of a city is to completely ignore any census data and watch their local news. The bigger a market is the more revenue available to their network television affiliates. This is directly reflected by the quality of their news production and the on-air talent they can afford.

Coincidently it also determines how attractive their news anchors are.

Sex sells and nobody knows that better than your local television companies. With several channels scrambling to cover the same handful of stories, viewership and advertising money can come down to the likability of the on-air talent. News anchors come in two distinct categories: the affable old man with a catch phrase and the most attractive journalist willing to live in your city.

These local television personalities often become celebrities that garner a small following of admirers. Unfortunately, these passionate news viewers can tank things too far and prevent journalists from doing their jobs.

This is what one anchor from KAKE-TV in Wichita, Kansas found out when a local Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent became infatuated with her. When the man started bombarding her with unwanted sexual advances she had a hard time letting her know that was one romance she would rather keep on ice.

Beautiful women with moderate public visibility are no strangers to unwanted attention from men. However, when Deb Farris began receiving excessive messages from ICE agent Andrew Pleviak, things got a little bit more intense than a few lewd text messages.

Farris initially contacted the agency while investigating a story and exchanged contact information with Pleviak. Afterwards he continued communicating with her, offering not only sensitive government information from his job but lewd and sexual messages. Maybe he thought his dick pics would be news worthy.

By the time Farris went to the cops about the harassment Pleviak had sent her 100s of messages that were inappropriate in one way or another. Between the victim being a public figure with the backing of a news organization and the accused being a federal agent leaking sensitive information, ICE had no choice but to step in. Pleviak was arrested and his phone was confiscated though he admitted to deleting some of the messages he had sent Farris.

The Department of Homeland Security released a statement apologizing for their agent’s actions but were rather vague if Pleviak would face any punishment. I guess revealing government secrets to impress a girl you like while also sending her unwanted sexual text messages might not be enough to get you fired from a federal agency.

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Oh Sure, Now You Tell Me: the Practical Advantages of Promiscuity

Like most women, I grew up with the myriad benefits and importance of monogamy being drummed into my head. Don’t take multiple sexual partners; that makes you a slut. Don’t “play the field;” find one guy who is just right, and stick with him despite his lack of personal hygiene, inability to dress himself properly, the inhuman smells he leaves behind in the bathroom, or any number of other obvious failings, like I’m the protagonist in some Tammy Wynette lyric.

Hell, for a long while now, there has even been a scientific argument for monogamy (on the part of women, anyway) rooted in the notion that monogamous women experience more reproductive success (if not more orgasms) than do promiscuous ones.

Naturally, I paid very little attention to any such arguments while I was in college, where I fucked essentially anything that moved, and at least a few things that didn’t – like Joe Malstead, who thought his only responsibility during coitus was to lay there looking at the ceiling as I bounced around on his dick doing all the work, while he kept his eyes closed and alternated between invoking the name of Jesus and cursing a blue streak, with the occasional praise for the tightness of my vagina thrown in for good measure.

Of course, my goal back then was not exactly “reproductive success,” as evidenced by the fact that I took the pill, insisted on my partners using condoms and used the rhythm method, just in case. Honestly, I was just out looking for a good time, generally unsuccessfully, because – let’s face it – most college boys don’t have the first clue how to please a woman, and seem to think the only thing their tongue is good for is telling dreadfully uninteresting stories about themselves.

When I had to defend my slutty ways back then, and answer the question “Why do you sleep with so many guys?” my rebuttal generally boiled down to “Because fuck you, that’s why.” While I didn’t much care about being judged or derided by my peers, it did irk me that I didn’t have a better comeback, some witty observation or pertinent bit of information, like this one, based on hard science involving monkey sex.

As it turns out, “females in many primate species, humans included, engage in a diversity of sexual strategies to enhance their overall reproductive success.” That’s one way of putting it, I suppose – and it sure sounds a lot brainier and more erudite than “I shop for penises like shoes; it takes a while to find one that fits just right.”

Now all we need is a study showing that there’s some advantage to fucking a bevy of fellas even if you have no intention of experiencing reproductive success, and young women like the one I was in college will have a ready-made justification for their slutting around that they can conjure up on their smartphones as needed to fend off prudish critics, and we’ll be all set.

For example, I would love to hear word from UCLA that giving guys blowjobs during movies increases one’s IQ. Among other things, such data would go a long way in explaining why I struggled with Freshman Comp, but absolutely aced my 500-level literary analysis course just a few years later….

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Former Barney Actor Has New Career As Sex Guru

I have a really good friend who for years hid the fact that she earned a decent living giving people hand jobs as an independent masseuse. Her erotic massages were advertised as performance art but those aware of the craft knew full well she would be rubbing her oily body on them until they achieved a “full release.”

In the years since this reveal I’ve asked her a lot of questions about her work and I’ve come to learn a lot about erotic massages and the people who give them… Like Barney the Dinosaur?

The affable purple dinosaur wasn’t a part of my childhood, but I do remember the years he dominated popular culture. Barney and Friends’ repetitive songs and light-hearted message caused him to be adored by children and hated by any in earshot who had already experienced puberty. However, I hadn’t thought about Barney in years until I read the man behind the costume is now a tantric sex guru.

David Joyner didn’t voice the character, but he did put on the giant purple suit and dance around while Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato sang songs about apples and bananas. Now the 54-year-old makes a living as a spiritual adviser, sex guru, and erotic masseuse. He accomplishes all three of these by having sex with his clients but “tantric sex guru” sounds a lot nicer than calling yourself a male prostitute.

Though prostitution is illegal in the United States, offering erotic massages falls into a grey area. Even though everyone knows there’s going to be orgasms involved, as long as you don’t explicitly advertise it nobody seems to be the wiser. Though these ads tend to use phrases like “full release” that imply sexual gratification, masseuses and even massage parlors manage to avoid arrest by being careful.

If two consenting adults are engaging in the exchange of a massage for money, who’s to say a crime has been committed if someone gets jerked off with an oily armpit or two? Certainly not me, and certainly not Barney the Dinosaur.

Always known as being a very spiritual man, Joyner says he has been running his tantric massage business since 2004. He currently has about 30 clients whom he charges about $350 for a session that includes rituals, massages, and orgasms. He also revealed in an interview that he met most of his clients through Tinder and prefers not to use a condom as they “block the energy” exchanged during sex.

If his work makes people’s lives better and he happens to get paid for having raw energy sex with women on Tinder, then frankly I’m just impressed as I am jealous.

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When A Dildo Is Not Really A Dildo

As a kid, I used to sit around reading the Guinness Book of World Records with true fascination. I was just as engaged by the occasional crazy pictures (particularly the ones featuring beards of bees and mouthfuls of cigarettes) as I was the records themselves.

Even when fully in the throes of my Guinness obsession though, there were always records which irritated me, ‘accomplishments’ I thought were nothing more than a cheap means of getting into the book, but which didn’t seem to me the sort of thing which deserved recognition next to things I considered legitimate records – like the fastest time in the 100 meter footrace, tallest known humans or the largest number of people ever to simultaneously brush their teeth.

In part, what bothered me is certain objects and feats are no longer themselves, once they achieve a certain scale. The “world’s largest pizza,” for instance, is no pizza; it’s a parking lot covered in dough, sauce and cheese. Sorry guys, but if you can’t (and didn’t) cook it in a pizza oven, it’s not a pizza.

Real Dildos Serve A Purpose This Dildo Simply CAN’T
Over on HuffPo, there’s a recent article about what is believed to be the largest dildo ever made, a promotional object created by the aptly-named Pipedream Products.

“Two years ago, we made a wall of cocks featuring our product,” Nick Orlandino, Pipedream Chairman and CEO Nick Orlandino told HuffPo. “It was the hit of the show, so I was trying to figure out how to outdo myself.”

That’s brilliantly (if possibly accidentally) well put, Nick – because anybody who tries to insert that so-called “dildo” into any orifice will soon realize they’re trying to out-do themselves, if you catch my drift.

I mean, the problem with a 12’ 4”-tall dildo is pretty obvious, right? If not, let me spell it out: The only vagina big enough to accept such a creature belonged to a fictional woman who attacked California back in the late 50’s.

Put another way, when I think about things I’d like to be able to do with a dildo, barring the massive doors of Helm’s Deep to help withstand assault from a battering ram is not one of those things.

With all due respect to Orlandino and company, what they have created is not a dildo, it’s a sculpture of a dildo – and while it might be the biggest replica of a dildo ever created, it certainly isn’t the biggest phallic representation in history.

Porn Valley Has Nothing On Ancient Rome
If you’ve ever wondered why most porn is heavy on close-up shots of penetration, ejaculation and other opportunities to emphasize the male member, the answer is pretty simple: tradition.

Men have always been obsessed with their dicks, especially as a symbol of power and virility. The Romans called it fascinus, which was both the name of a God and the term for the “embodiment of the divine phallus,” as the Wikipedia description puts it.

Every so often, you’ll see a depiction of a fascinus spurting semen into a disembodied eyeball – symbolic of the phallus’ ability to ward off evil, allegedly, as opposed to being a classical predecessor to the facial cumshot so ubiquitous in the porn of today.

Speaking of looking back on all this from a modern standpoint, I suppose we can conclude one of two things about the magic phallus and its ability to combat evil: Either the divine phallus doesn’t regard sexually transmitted diseases as “evil,” or its magic power just isn’t very effective as an antibiotic.

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