I’ve touched the genitals of a whole lot of people. There was no one who could satisfy the need that I had to be sexually active as much as possible. In my head, I really thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life being polyamorous and loving it…even though it wasn’t the “amorous,” part that I was looking for, it was just an excuse for me to have multiple partners.
Being a sex worker was the perfect way for me to get my rocks off and leave the guilt of promiscuity that society forced on me behind. You mean I can bang myself for fun, put a camera in front of me, talk dirty out into the great oblivion of the Internet AND make some decent money doing it? Count me in!
My amateur-porn-psuedo empire was a draw to new lovers. They wanted to be in my clips and sometimes I would let them, but most of the time I did not. I was hunting around for verification that what I was doing was in line with my polyamorous values…and it was for a very long time.
At this point, I’ve had my last two long term relationships go sour because I was not prepared to accept what my partners were doing sexually.
The last guy that I was with for 5 years ended up getting someone he was dating pregnant, which meant that he was not having safer sex with her, so I told him to hit the bricks in an extremely difficult breakup.
Now, with my marriage, I discovered that I wasn’t cool with her having open relationships with other people. I battle back and forth about whether that makes me a hypocrite or not…because here I am, Alpha Harlot, writing articles for the Pornhub Network about how it’s important to communicate your sexual needs to your partner because when I did that, my partner left me. But she left me because we hadn’t been on the same page (sexually or otherwise) for a very long time.
My sex life now is really, really good. My sex life with my ex-wife was also really, really good in the beginning. My sex life with that guy that I dated over 8 years ago was also good for awhile. I am coming to terms with the fact that I can be completely sexually open with one, singular partner, because that’s all I’m comfortable with having right now. Maybe that’s all I WAS comfortable with having for the past decade but because I was so stuck on being polyamorous because I like the idea of polyamory
The jealousy that I was feeling when my ex-wife would go out on dates was so toxic that I’m still having anxiety over it. When she and her new girlfriend are loudly having sex behind her bedroom door and I can hear it, I have panic attacks. A few weeks ago, my new girlfriend was over when that happened and she saw me physically stiffen.
“They’re just having sex, love,” she said to me while she held me closer.
And that’s true.
It is just sex…with a whole lot of love sprinkled on top.
Image: Harlot’s Private Stash 2017
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