I can’t tell if this is ad is a prank or if this dude is the next antagonist in an episode of SVU. It puts “pulled form the headlines” in a whole new light. Also, keep this pic in mind the whole time you read it, because it will put everything in perspective:
Here’s a screenshot of the ad (I wrote it out below so you Peepz don’t have to kill your eyes):
Shudder.
Here’s the ad in full for those of you without bionic eyes [comments in bold are mine]:
Ok here’s the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I’m willing to give it away for free [it’s not free when you have to do things in exchange] to the right person. I’m looking for a travel “companion” that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years.
I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am [they don’t fuck around at Soup Plantation]. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right “one”!
1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25.
2. Must be comfortable traveling in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached).
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband [so racist, dude], small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over. [Whaa, you can’t make your own playlist? Why does the “one” have to do all the work?]
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times. [It puts the lotion in the basket.]
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic. [Are you sure opportunistic is the word you were going for here? Maybe you meant adventurous.]
7. Must be ok with public hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially). [Gotta make that first good impression.]
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painting and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit. [Oh God, we’re starting to inch towards the serial killer vibe.]
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS! [The “one” must do everything even provide snacks!]
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok. [How can anyone go through this list without the help of mucho drugs?]
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram account.
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence. [Yup, there’s that serial killer vibe I know and love.]
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)
17. At least twice during festival you must tell me in a playful manner that ”I am naughty”.
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that “you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time”. [“I didn’t know how this would go, but I’m just glad I’m alive.]
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower. [That’s a classic power move in romcoms AND in horror flicks.]
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!
See what I mean, it’s impossible to tell if this guy is a genius prankster or if he’s definitely planning on killing someone.
Serial killer jokes aside can we take a second here and look at what he’s offering. I looked it up and Coachella VIP passes are 899$. So he’s basically offering someone approximately 900$ to be is willing slave for an entire weekend. Clearly, this dude has no idea what a weekend with an escort is worth.
At minimum and I mean at the very, very minimum any escort worth her salt would charge 1,500$ (and that’s a low estimate) a day on top of the free ticket, plus free food and accommodations. And that’s just for regular vanilla sex, with this guy’s extensive list of demands I would triple that daily rate at the very least.
This guy’s list of demands are so specific and odd that I don’t know anyone in the sex biz who would take him up on his offer.
I’m not saying this guy is a deviant for wanting any of these things and fantasizing about them, because there’s nothing wrong with that (except maybe try to dream bigger, guy… having the typical Coachella experience sounds like a nightmare to me is what I’m saying.)
The reason this guy is a deviant is that he thinks offering a girl young enough to be his daughter a “free” ticket to Coachella in exchange for satisfying all his needs is enough incentive. Way to low ball, dude. Way to low ball.
Via complex.com – Follow Lola Byrd on Twitter @misslolabyrd
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