Clowns Are Everywhere, Even in Fantasies

Have you seen It yet? We went opening weekend and totally loved it. I’ve been working my way through Stephen King’s entire bibliography for the past few years and that book stands out as one of my favorites. Not really because of Pennywise the Clown so much as because it’s a pretty good fucking story.

We also binged the first few episodes of American Horror Story and it also has to do with crazed clown killers (and American politics and a cult? or something? Idk…it’s a pretty confusing season so far). We just watched the part where Sarah Paulson wakes up in bed next to a crazy clown murder guy. I’m not sure if I was scared, or excited or what…but I was definitely turned on.

I’m not scared of clowns or anything, but they definitely creep me out under certain circumstances. Maybe that’s what it is that makes clowns sexy for some people. It’s that rush of forbidden lust that makes us all search for things that we probably “shouldn’t” be searching for when we’re cruising around PornHub.

A tumblr account popped up called Pennywise Confessions and it’s seriously got me a bit creamy in the panties.
Other tumblrs submit their deepest, dirtiest Pennywise fantasies and the curator of the blog transforms them into memes that are a little bit spooky and a whole lot perverse. Here’s a few examples:

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People are filthy and it’s totally cool with me.

How do you Peepz feel about clown porn? Does the idea of banging someone wearing face paint turn you on or is it too creepy for you to get stiff?

Let me know in the comments and follow me on twitter for more perversion!

Source: Cinema Blend and Pennywise Confessions

Image: Hailey Young in It’s My Party and I’ll Fuck if I Want To by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Get on Your Knees

Unpopular opinion: I hate sports. I make it a point to tell everyone I know how dumb I think it is that professional athletes get paid more than doctors, scientists, plumbers, electricians, mechanics and everyone else who is actually doing something helpful with their lives.

I totally get that it’s entertainment. People who play sports are celebrities just like movie stars and singers, etc. That doesn’t mean that I have to like it. I’m more of a fan of putting in time and skill for dollars. Argue with me if you want to, but it bugs me out that world poverty could be solved if the people who make money for being good with balls (not the testicle kind) would donate their redonk salaries instead of buying ginormous houses and expensive cars. That’s just the socialist in me though.

People on the Internet are exploding about American football players taking a knee. I think sports are dumb, but all this talk about knees got me thinking about blowjobs because that’s usually where the blowjobs happen.

Are you Peepz ready to put your politics to the side and get your dicks in your hands? Let’s fap!

Giant dicks are no match for Carla Cox. Her throat opens up wide in this clip and she gets ready to make her on screen fuck buddy feel all sorts of goodness.

Veronica Rodriguez gets down on her knees to do a little bit of cock worshipping. She wears a pair of leather gloves and a pretty purple bra and panties set that will turn on every dick watching.

MILFs who get on their knees are nothing but trouble…the best kind of trouble, that is. Romi Rain needs to keep her secrets secret. In order to do that, she needs to suck the dick of some jerk off who is blackmailing her. Check out her serious throating skills.

The sexy French Ebony goddess in this clip is named Calypso. She’s highly motivated to get her partner off and make a little bit of cash by turning the cameras on in the process. She gets down to eye level with his dick and sucks him off as an appetizer.

Blow jobs aren’t always a power play. Sometimes there is nothing at all submissive about getting on your knees to get someone off. In this Brazzers clip, Courtney Taylor is the boss of the office and is ready to give her new intern a raise.

That’s it for this week, Peepz. May your balls be covered in saliva before the sun goes down on Monday.

Image: Bailey Brooke and Noemie Bilas in Ladies First by Brazzers

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Now, Even Kevin Hart Thinks Kevin Hart Has Been In Too Many Movies

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The Cure For A Broken Heart? Casual Sex

For divorced women struggling to mend the pieces of their broken hearts, casual sex might just be the answer.

Though certainly not always the case, women tend to take these things the hardest while men try to dress and act like they’re 10 years younger to amusing consequences. According to love guru Janis Spindel of the Huffington Post, this is because women are more likely to find difficulty in connecting with a new partner while men have no problem moving on.

Women may feel the physical desire to explore their sexual side after a committed relationship but due to complicated feelings stemming from a want to connect emotionally with their partner, avoid acting on it. She suggests that women simply learn to enjoy no strings attached sex to rebuild their confidence and discover what they want out of their next relationship, and also because sex feels really good.

Granted, not all women have such complex emotions associated with sex.

A quick glance at the Pornhub Community will verify that plenty of women enjoy sex for what it is – a mutual genital massage. Likewise, a lot of women come out of long term relationships feeling liberated and ready to start their love lives over. I’m old enough to have friends that not only got married, but have gone through bitter divorces. I’ve seen people handle this with varying degrees of grace. Everybody deals with things their own way, but sometimes they need a little bit of help.

If you’re a recently divorced man or woman who has fleshly desires but can’t get over your previous lover, do yourself a favor and find someone else in a similar situation and help each other out.

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Scientists Calculate The Number Of Calories Burned Through Sex

A group of Italian scientists have answered some of life’s most important questions, such as “how many calories do I burn when I masturbate?” Researches decided to calculate how many calories are burned through typical sexual activities in order to, well, for no reason really. They’re Italian, that’s their reason.

Here are their findings:

Making Out, 30 minutes: 230 calories

Foreplay: 20 minutes: 87 calories for women, 107 calories for men

Unclasping a bra with both hands: 8 calories, Unclasping a bra with one hand: 18 calories, Unclasping a bra with your mouth: 67 calories

Strip Tease: 60 Calories

Oral Sex: 100 calories

Missionary Position, 10 minutes: 250 calories

Woman on Top, 10 minutes: 300 calories for women, 130 calories for men

Sex Standing Up: Up to 600 calories for both people

Masturbation: Up to 150 calories per session (awww yisssss) Orgasm: From 60-100 calories

While I go to the gym pretty regularly, I also lounge just as hard. It is with the same intensity with which I pummel a heavy bag or drag a grappling partner around the mat with my elbow slightly hyperextended that I also relax in front of my computer while eating Taco Bell. I go hard in all aspects of my life.

I am quite comfortable with my powerful but pudgy physique, but I’m also aware that I am closing in on 30 and have to start being more aware of my calorie intake. Seeing as I do pretty much no other exercise aside from hitting the mat three times a week, justifying my impressive taco consumption requires a lot of clever bookkeeping.

For example, I’m going to add about 50 calories to all of these figures because I typically go for the more sturdy, softball player types. Trying to dead lift a 5’2, 150 pound wad of muscle and sex drive over my dick after a night of whiskey sours and lively conversation is harder than it looks.

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Women Likely To Have One Night Stands While On Vacation?

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Ariel Winter In An Amazing Barely There Shredded Crop Top

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Neurotica is Everything I Ever Wanted in a TV Show

Exposure to kink and kinky things normalizes the culture. It’s a double edged sword though. I’d much rather that my neighbors not call the cops when I’m being flogged by my lady, honestly. But Fifty Shades of Whatever the Fuck brought an influx of people into the dungeons that weren’t necessarily ready for the big time. The fad seems to have worn off at this point, so I’m not so judgy about the 50 Shaders that have stuck around in the scene. They want to learn…learning is good, especially when it comes to consensually beating people with various implements.

Jenny Jaffe is one of my favorite twitterers mostly because she’s crazy witty but also because she’s super intelligent. Her writing and creativity speak for themselves and that’s why I am so excited that she turned me onto her new BDSM themed IFC series, Neurotica.

Neurotica stars Jaffe as a Dominatrix named Ivy who lives in a small town in Upstate New York. Her clients love and accept her quirky neurotic behaviors (“Mouths are Icky,” is said more than a few times throughout the series). At the same point though, they are also looking to have some of their fantasies fulfilled that Ivy can’t help with because of her mental barriers.

Enter the Megadungeon.

Mega Dungeon is to Ivy’s basement business what Walmart is to your local family owned farmer’s market. You can get the same things there, and possibly for less money, but does it make you feel warm and squishy on the inside after you leave? Probably not. (Support your local farmers and businesses whenever you can, otherwise we’ll wake up one day and they’ll all be gone.)

There is tension, sexiness and, most importantly hilarity, in each of the episodes.

My favorite scene happens in episode 4, when Ivy tops her best friend Sabrina in a role playing scene called, “Unrealistic Dog and Scared Postal Worker Fantasy.” It’s endearing to see the hoops that Ivy will go through to please her best friend, though sometimes her phobias (in this case, claustrophobia) get the best of her.

The episodes of Neurotica are less than 3 minutes long, so you can binge the whole 6 episode season in less that 20 minutes. Here’s the first one, and I suggest that you head over to IFC to stream the rest of them.

Source: IFC and Jenny Jaffe

Image: Screenshot from Neurotica Season 1, Episode 1

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Fap Along With Harlot: Pumping Peta

Sometimes when I’m looking around on PornHub for things to stimulate my eyeballs, I come across a star and get stuck on her. I try to keep my Fap Along lists themed to things rather then the stars themselves…but this week I’m on a Peta Jensen kick and I can’t get her off my mind.

You Peepz are going to have to suffer through her luscious boobs and delicious behind with me. Think you’re up to the task?

Let’s fap!

As a warning, I’m probably going to talk about Peta’s boobs a lot, because they are pretty amazing. Take this clip as an example. She bounces her boobs out in the open. She’s a, “Super hot chick with big ass titties,” per the guy rubbing her pussy with a banana. Yeah, that happens.

More food porn!!! This time it’s popsicles. There’s a lot of pawing and teasing before this Fantasy HD clip ramps up to the naked fun time stuff, but I’m totally OK with that. Peta can suck cock like a dream and her throat does amazing things when there’s a dick in front of her lips.

Brandi Love loves a scripted porno, especially when her costar is someone as pussy hungry as Peta. The two ladies dyke out and play with strapons and fingers until everyone is having an orgasm. It’s sexy as hell to watch them get down.

Peta’s clit is the stuff that my fantasies are made of. This next video combines my love of her pussy with my love of all things slippery. She showers by herself to get ready for her big, greased up fuck session. She’s insatiable and that might be why I’m obsessing over her this week.

I wanted to wrap things up today with something a little different, so here is an overdubbed Brazzers En Espanol clip with a threesome. While I can’t understand the dialogue, my BFF said that what they were saying was sexy…so I’ll just enjoy the visuals and finish up this fap with a bang.

That’s it for this week, Peepz! I hope you enjoyed Peta Jensen as much as I did. I’ll see you next week, but you can follow me on twitter in the meantime.

Image: Peta Jensen in Power Rack: A XXX Parody by Brazzers

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Masturbation Roll

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Penis Candles Get Dealers Arrested

Dildos come in many shapes and varieties. I’ve mentioned a million times before that I’m a fan of interesting insertions (that is, fucking myself with things that I shouldn’t be fucking…bottles, hair spray etc) but that’s not really all that safe.

When I’m in the mood for fucking myself with something that isn’t actually a dildo, I always use condoms and consider what could go wrong if something goes awry. I didn’t always do this when I was in my 20s, but I’d like to hit 40 without making a stop at the emergency room to have my cavities evacuated for the sake of an orgasm.

I have definitely fucked myself with candles before, but I’ve never fucked myself with candles quite like this.

Police in Paterson, New Jersey made a drug bust back in August. They raided a warehouse that was filled with candles that were being used to smuggle meth.

I’m not hip to drug trafficking in the slightest, but the dudes involved were planning on melting the candles down to score themselves a fuck ton of meth. A large portion of these candles were shaped like dicks. Some were shaped like religious figures, but you know the only thing that I care about in this story are the cocks.

Can you imagine if someone ended up with one of those meth infused dicks and accidentally started fucking themselves with it? I’d be hella pissed if some candle in my cooch made me high.

Maybe they used dick shaped candles because they thought that no one would suspect them…especially if they were in the same box as a Blessed Virgin Mother pillar of wax.

Candles can make sexy time hotter, but actually having sex with them is probably not the greatest idea. Filling the wax with drugs is probably an even worse idea…but that’s just me.

Here’s a fierce clip with naked people doing dirty things involving wax play. Also, Mr. Pete is fucking amazing. I’d love to get a few minutes alone with his dick balls deep in my throat.

Was this genius or stupidity Peepz? Have you ever tried to be sneaky with some booze or illegal substances? Tell me your stories in the comments! I’ll be posting about sneaking a booze filled bracelet into a fancy pants wine festival on my Patreon blog later this week.

Source: NY Post

Image: Karmen Karma in The Bigger the Wetter by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Pay Attention to the Balls

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Of Gay Porn, Spies, Faux Jihadists and Headline Greatness

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Sex News: Isis Threatens Mia Khalifa, Butt Photo Project, & Joss Whedon Sex Scandal

I’ve been having a shitty summer, Peepz. I haven’t mentioned it because I didn’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but my Dad is sick. He was diagnosed with brain cancer a couple months ago. It has not been easy, especially since I’ve had to deal with my wicked step-mother in the process.

Fairy tales are real and step-mother’s are wicked as fuck. If I accidentally pour draino in her coffee cup, do you Peepz think I can plead “wicked step-mother” during my trial?

• Porn star claims ISIS threatened to behead her (New York Post)

ISIS threatened to behead Lebanese-American porn star Mia Khalifa with a mocked-up execution photo, but she’s keeping up a brave front, she said.

The terrorist group sent a “photoshopped picture of me being beheaded” via social media, and “threatened that would happen to me,” Khalifa told radio hosts of The Sports Junkies Thursday.

ISIS allegedly sent the 24-year-old adult actress the disturbing image after she drew major backlash for starring in a number of clips performing sexual acts while wearing a hijab in 2015.

That sucks, but she supported Donald Trump during the election, sooooo maybe she deserves it?

• This Butt Photo Project Aims To Show That No Two Behinds Are Alike (Buzzfeed)

We all have butts. But no two butts look the same. 

Which is why Montreal-based artists Emilie Mercier and Frédérique Marseille founded 1001 Fesses — which is French for 1001 Butts. 

Their mission? To showcase the wonderful array of backsides in the world, and to challenge traditional notions of beauty.

Love your butt!

• Joss Whedon’s alleged sex scandals may finally destroy his feminist image (The Daily Dot)

On Sunday, The Wrap published an explosive article from Kai Cole, stating that Whedon cheated on her with “actresses, co-workers, fans and friends” throughout their 16-year marriage. She paints an unsettling picture of a man who allegedly exploited his feminist reputation to behave like a stereotypically creepy Hollywood producer, sleeping with young actresses while lying to his wife.

Cole quotes a letter where Whedon belatedly admitted to his first affair on the set of Buffy, saying, “I was surrounded by beautiful, needy, aggressive young women. It felt like I had a disease, like something from a Greek myth. Suddenly I am a powerful producer and the world is laid out at my feet.” She accuses him of using her for emotional support in private and as a shield in public, “so no one would question his relationships with other women or scrutinize his writing as anything other than feminist.” After being diagnosed with PTSD, she has spent the past five years coming to terms with the truth about their marriage.

Yawn. I don’t really care about Joss Whedon and where he has put his dick. AND, I think someone can be a feminist and still be a cheating asshole.

Look at the guy, he’s clearly a perv!

Follow Lola Byrd on Twitter @misslolabyrd

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Farrah “Teen Mom” Abraham Is A Cam Girl Now?!

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