One of the perks of being American is constantly being told what you should be scared of. Thanks to the local news we are always on the lookout for killer bees, apples with razor blades in them, or whatever else is going to kill us next if we stop watching the before the commercial break is over. This is especially true when there’s a country that regularly threatens to bomb us over a political pissing contest.
That’s why on January 13 when everyone’s phone buzzed and told them a ballistic missile was headed towards Hawaii, they knew how to react: flip the fuck out because shit just got real.
While it was quickly announced that the warning was a false alarm, there was a solid 30-minute period where people in Hawaii were pretty sure World War III was about to start on their doorstep. For the most part no serious harm was done and the government employee who accidentally triggered the alarm said he was really, really sorry. However, one trustworthy source did notice one effect of the whole incident.
Pornhub Insights gathered the data and crunched the numbers to create yet another interesting informative graph. This time their sexy statistics showed us how the threat of being vaporized effected the rate at which Hawaiians watched porn.
During the hours before the warning went out at 8:07am, it was pretty much business as usual on Pornhub. During the half hour afterwards though, traffic dropped by as much as 77%. Though this is localized to one rather small set of islands that is still a pretty significant decrease in masturbation for a Saturday morning.
I went to Elementary school in a coastal military town during the Cold War. Though bomb drills weren’t at all common, we were aware of sirens throughout the city and it was something my teachers occasionally talked about. The consensus was that should a nuclear warhead be launched at us all we could really do was find shelter, put our head between our knees, and kiss our asses goodbye.
After the government issued an official statement that the alert was a false alarm at 8:45, people celebrated by running to Pornhub. In that time traffic spiked to a high of nearly 48% above normal because nothing feels better than pounding off after learning the molecules that makeup your body will be intact for the foreseeable future.
For a more in depth look at how this and other major news events effect the way people consume internet pornography, head over to Pornhub Insights and read more.
Image: Trina Michaels in Nuclear Tits by Brazzers
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