Fap Along With Harlot: Blue Eyed Babes

Robot Sex Would Be Cool

Professor Reports Laptop As Stolen To Hide His Porn Stash!

While I appreciate porn and consume it fairly frequently, I understand the need to keep it hidden away. I won’t deny that I’m a fan of adult films or that I’m involved with Peeperz, but if you try to find any pornography on my computer you’re going to need a god damn decoder ring.

My porn folders are hidden in obscure directories, unindexed and unsearchable. They can’t be found unless someone knows where to look and I have no problem letting prudes use my computer. Unfortunately, University of Iowa professor Brent Sandy can’t say the same.

When it was time for the university to give him a new laptop, he started to panic. The good professor had accumulated an impressive porn collection and didn’t want to give it up. Rather than let the IT department take the laptop and discover his extracurricular materials, he instead reported the device stolen.

Sandy filed a police report claiming the computer was taken during a three-minute window when he stepped away from his office- because if you’re going to sell a lie you’re going to have to tell a few more to back it up. That’s when shit got real.

Data theft is a serious crime in this day and age and the laptop was equipped with software that allows the device to be tracked. A company was able to trace a signal sent out by the laptop to an IP address, which they were able to track back to a customer because of the reported theft.

When police knocked on the door to execute a search warrant they found Sandy, his stolen computer full of porn, and a little bit of marijuana inside of a dugout one-hitter. He was promptly arrested and charged with providing a false report to the police and possession of a controlled substance.

To make matters worse he was also nicked for third-degree theft for stealing the laptop.

It would have been a lot easier for the professor if he simply paid for a Brazzers account. You don’t have to download anything to your computer and there’s tons of quality porn at your disposal. Wow, much streaming, many scenes, so high definition.08

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Study Reveals Rich People Have Better Sex?

We previously found a study that claimed people who made more money also had more sex. We thought it was kind of obvious that people with more income had the stability to enjoy a healthier sex life- after all nothing kills a boner faster than worrying about how you’re going to make rent.

While I initially concluded that you couldn’t achieve a richer sex life by simply making more money, a study by the Barcelona Public Health Agency says otherwise.

After administering a sex survey to 9,850 Spaniards, researchers finally got around to crunching all that data and found that an impressive 90 percent of the country’s men and women are satisfied with their sex lives.

Upon further review, however, they found an interesting correlation between wealth and orgasms.

It was discovered that people of lower socioeconomic status claimed to be less satisfied sexually than their more wealthy counterparts. This correlation between wealth and sexual satisfaction was most apparent among women, where privileged Spaniards exhibited “better awareness of their own needs and a greater capacity for developing their sexuality in a way which is satisfying for them.”

Just when you think rich people are the same as the rest of us, someone goes and finds out they’re better at fucking than us schmucks. Hmph!

Just like the previous study, many recognize that sexual health is a reflection of one’s overall state of physical, emotional, and social well-being. It’s not that having sex on a pile of money is more gratifying than fucking on a lumpy mattress in a small apartment, wealthy people just have the resources to lead a healthier life.

That being said, if you are unhappy with your sex life and becoming flagrantly rich isn’t an option, just focus on becoming happier everywhere else. Resolve some of your nagging emotional problems, live a healthier life, and learn to live with as little stress as you can within your current means.

Everyone is always looking to hit that homerun in life that will solve all their problems, but the truth is you can become just as happy through a series of small accomplishments. You’ll be having more sex in no time.

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Scientists Discover Sexually Transmitted Food Poisoning

A friend in college once told me that the most horrible cold he ever experienced was contracted when he performed oral sex on his girlfriend. This “pussy cold,” as he called it, had moved fast and left him a snotty mess and he warned me to watch out for it in the future. While I wasn’t sure if a common cold could be transmitted sexually, it did make me wonder what other illnesses could.

Never mind that I’ve never been sexually active enough to have a choice in the matter.

If I’m on a date and manage to be charming enough for it to advance to the bedroom, I’m not going to let a case of the sniffles get in my way. However one blogger did some clicking around and found that ciguatera, a crippling form of food poisoning, may also be transmitted sexually. Yikes!

Ciguatera is a disease one can get from eating contaminated fish and its symptoms include aching, vertigo, hallucinations and loss of muscle control. If these ailments sound kind of erotic to you, then you’re not alone.

Enough people managed to have sex despite contracting the devastating disease for researchers to determine that ciguatera can be sexually transmitted. Considering most people get food poisoning while traveling abroad, this kind of makes sense.

No matter where you’re from, you probably eat something that would make a foreigner very sick. People like to have sex while traveling and if they flew across the world to eat ceviche and have sex on the beach, they might not let vertigo and hallucinations stop them.

While doctors haven’t been able to analyze the semen or vaginal fluid of an infected person, there are a number of reported incidents of someone contracting food poisoning through sex.

These cases along with other evidence collected by scientists can be found in articles published by the CDC- so be sure to use protection if you can still manage to become aroused despite all the constant vomiting and dizziness.

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Senior Citizen Public Orgy

I love a story that involves fucking in public, especially when it involves a demographic of people that is outside of the norm. We’re not talking about a group of swinging singles in their 20s here…and we’re also not talking about dogging in a dark part of London.

When I think about Fairfield, Connecticut, orgies don’t exactly come to mind. My brain conjures images of soccer moms in mini vans rolling from practice to practice while sipping on pumpkin lattes. Is that typecasting the area? You bettcha. But a recent news story has me rethinking my previous ideas about the place.

A group of senior citizens was arrested when they got caught having a public orgy in one of the city’s conservation areas. Apparently that place is known hot spot for hookups on the Internet and the police decided to crack down on the fun. I’m not sure what they were expecting when they performed the sting, but I know that I was not expecting the orgy to involve 6 people all over the age of 62.

The names and ages of those arrested are:

Daniel Dobbins, 67, Otto D. Williams, 62, Charles L Ardito, 75, John Linartz, 62, Richard Butler, 82, and his wife, 85-year-old Joyce Butler.

I mean…Joyce….You’re legit my hero and spirit animal. When I get to be 85, you best believe that I’m going to be doing my best to get as freaky as possible. I want my own god damn orgy where my fuck holes are the only ones on deck. The cops totally fucked up when they broke apart that good time.

I really hope that she ended up cumming a few time. You could fuck a woman up for weeks if you try to edge her without having the end game in sight.

What do you Peepz think of this situation? Are you shocked that a woman in her 80s would be involving herself in a gangbang? Do you have aspirations of banging like Joyce well into your golden years?

Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter.

Source: Newsweek

Image: Erica Lauren in Cock Blocked by Mom by Brazzers

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Bootie Call Fail Leads to Fire

Part of me misses being involved in bootie calls. It was the thrill of the hunt, you know? Scouring around on the Internet late at night trying to figure out who was going to be privileged enough to lick my pussy on that particular evening.

Some of my best stories happened because I was randomly calling strangers from the Internet for sex, but I definitely have my fair share of horror show events happen because of bootie calls too. As shitty as some of my sexcapades have been, nothing has been as bad as the story I read in one of the Jersey blogs earlier this week.

There is literally no way you can convince me that getting stood up for cock is worth the jail time that comes along with arson.

Taija Russell wanted some dick. She scrolled through her phone to text her on-call pleasure piece and he said that he was down to fuck. The problem was that he was a bit sleepy and he fell asleep while she was making her way over. When he didn’t answer the door, she freaked the fuck out. Authorities are saying that she went to a nearby store, bought some lighter fluid and a lighter and returned to his home to light that shit up.

The smoke woke the guy up and he ran from his house to the police station. After the fire was contained and the guy grabbed his cell phone, he realized that Taija had been blowing his phone up with angry texts and voicemails. He turned that info over to the cops and they picked up his unrequited mistress, putting her in cuffs.

There’s a few things to learn from this story, Peepz. First, don’t fall asleep when you’re waiting for sex. Secondly, it’s not a good idea to get pissed if your lover did fall asleep and try to burn his house down. Lastly, no dick is worth prison time…just saying.

Source: NorthJersey.com

Image: Sammie Six in Playing with Fire by Brazzers

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Can You Get Pregnant By Sitting On Your Boyfriend’s Lap?

Fap Along With Harlot: Kelly Madison

Sex Mountain is Real

Lubricated Conversation

I had got a phone call from a friend of mine the other day. She is starting to date this guy and when they started getting intimate for the first time, she reached for her trusty bottle of bedside lube. The guy was offended because he thought that she wasn’t turned on enough to fuck.

After a twenty minute argument about how viscus her vagina was not, she was definitely no longer turned on enough to fuck. The guy left in a huff and she decided to ghost him, but then he never got in touch with her anyway so it was basically a mutual parting of ways. My friend needed a bit of reassurance from me that she did the right thing.

“Is it strange that I like to use lube?”

Nope, not even a little bit.

I decided to do a bit of perverse research and figure out why there are people out there who are afraid to get extra slippery. The Vox article linked below is from December of last year, but I can’t imagine that much of the hard data has changed. For some reason, heterosexual people in particular are resistant to using lube when they’re engaged in sexual activities. My thinking is that people somehow tie their sexual prowess to the need for lube. If they’re sexy enough, no lube is necessary but if they’re lackluster in the bedroom, lube is needed.

That’s a completely incorrect way of thinking, my Peepz. If you happen to think that way about lube, you’re wrong and you’ve probably left some rug burn on someone’s genitals.

Lube can be so fucking sexy. I love the way my wife’s tits feel when they’re all slippery with coconut oil. We do this really hot thing where we put a hunk of oil on our own nipples and then squish them together while we’re making out. The heat of our bodies melts the solid state oil into liquid and our bedroom smells like a tropical paradise. Everyone wins.

While coconut oil is definitely my favorite, when I’m getting fucked with her strap on, we usually reach into our toy bag and grab whatever kind of lube we got samples of at the last kink event. I ended up with a fistful of Astroglide gel after a party in the spring, so we’re still making our way through that.

At one point in my life, if you had asked me what my favorite lube was, I would have told you Wet brand silicone. Over the years I’ve fallen out of lust with that particular item, not because it doesn’t work, but because it wasn’t readily available when I needed it. When you go to as many Pride events as we do, you’re going to end up with more condoms and lube packets than you know what to do with. Sometimes the samples are good, sometimes they suck…but the sex is never really bad so we can’t complain.

Peepz! What is YOUR favorite lube? Hit me up on twitter or leave me the info in the comments below. And please don’t be afraid to pull out a bottle of the good stuff. Usually when it comes to sex, the more slippery things are, the harder you’ll cum.

Source: Vox

Image: Harley Jade in The Princess Peach: A XXX Parody by Brazzers

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What Makes Sex Feel Good?

Sex is obviously awesome. I spend most of my waking moments thinking about how I’m going to fuck. When I’m not thinking about how, I’m thinking about where. Occasionally I still think about who, but these days I’m only getting dicked down by my wife’s detachable cock.

It’s pretty much the best.

What is it that makes sex feel so great?

I stumbled upon an article on Medical News Today about why sex actually feels great and I figured I’d share the goods with my favorite Peepz because I know how much we all love science!

Masters and Johnson locked down sex into four distinct phases. First you have desire and excitement. That’s fairly easy to figure out. Those tingles that you feel in your genitals before you decide to look at Pornhub? That’s what they were talking about. Excitement creates a viscus vagina and that makes vaginal penetration much easier.

At some point the excitement levels out and your body plateaus. That’s the second phase. The pleasure will continue to intensify until you reach that point and then suddenly, you slide right into step three which is….ORGASM!!!!

This is obviously my favorite phase of sex. My pussy pulses, my toes curl, my mouth opens up wide and sometimes I start screaming. Sometimes I feel like I’m chasing the dragon when I’m having an orgasm session. I keep cumming over and over again going through the cycles of sex because all I’m looking for is the feeling of an orgasm over and over again.

There is a fourth step to sex and that’s the resolution. I think a lot of my time is spent chasing down the third phase and neglecting this very important step. In BDSM, they call the stuff that happens after the scene, “aftercare” and this phase of sex is basically the same thing. This is the point in time where your body gets to relax and enjoy the glow of the physical sensations.

Tons of chemicals are also released during sex. The chemicals are what cause your body to feel the pleasure the way that it does. Norepinephrine makes your genitals super sensitive by contracting blood vessels. Oxytocin is release after an orgasm and makes you feel loved. Serotonin brings on happiness while dopamine is secreted while you are feeling desire. Right after the orgasm happens though, the levels of prolactin rise. Some scientists think that this is why the cool down period after sex feels as nice as it does.

Knowing the reasons why sex feels as awesome as it does has made me so much more aware of the sensations I am feeling in the moment. I want to chase down the chemical releases and name them while my body is in the midst of it all. It’s only been a few days, but I think that I can totally get used to having some knowledge behind my O-face.

Source: Medical News Today

Image: Isis Love in Mall Cop a Feel by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Nikki Benz

Nuts and Sex – Science!

The cool thing about research is that you can basically discover anything that you want to based on how you present the data. So many scientific reports are funded by the people who want to see the results swayed in their direction. I hate to say it, but this article is about one of them.

A new scientific study published by MDPI (which btw stands for Multidisciplinary Digital Publishing Institute and just sounds like a fraudulent place to publish science) is claiming that men who eat mixed nuts are less likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction. Aptly titled, “Effect of Nut Consumption on Erectile and Sexual Function in Healthy Males: A Secondary Outcome Analysis of the FERTINUTS Randomized Controlled Trial,” the people at the Fertinuts study presented their data in a completely unbiased fashion. Completely unbiased. They swear. Even though they named their group Fertinuts, they are definitely not biased as to whether or not nuts make you fertile at all. Pinky promise.

The study was run on a controlled group of 100 young, healthy men in Spain. During the trial, the guys were told to eat 60 grams of mixed raw nuts a day for 14 weeks in addition to their regular diets. They had their blood tested for nitric oxide and E-selectin and then the scientists used those levels to figure out the health of the blood vessels in their dicks.

I call bullshit on this one, Peepz.

I can’t believe for a second that chomping down on mixed nuts is something that will help your dick stay hard. Also, I used to manage a drug store in my early 20s and I sold a whole lot of mixed nuts. You know who mostly bought mixed nuts? Senior citizens did. I think that if there was some kind of correlation between male vitality and mixed nuts, Viagra sales would never have skyrocketed the way that they did.

Don’t get me wrong, I buy a tub of mixed nuts during the holidays every year and put them out for my guests to munch on. I know that it’s not just the older generations that are supporting the mixed nuts market. All I’m saying is that, when I was working in retail and those nuts went on sale, it was the older folks who were snatching them up by the case.

I don’t know that they’ll ever come up with a sure fire way to naturally increase sexual desire and fertility. The experiments they are doing are sometimes grasping at straws. Eating a healthy diet and participating in moderate exercise seems to be the way to go, in my opinion. I’m no scientist though.

Source: Gizmodo

Image: Bijou in Ballad of the Nutsacker by Brazzers

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Accidental Live-Stream Sex

Social media is basically a trap. The Internet has created this void where you can find anything and everything you’re looking for with a few simple key strokes. It’s a blessing and a curse.

I’ve never accidentally sent a naked picture to anyone. If you have seen a naked picture of me, it has 100% been sent on purpose. Back in the day, I may have played coy and said that I “accidentally” sent a few people pictures of my gaping fuck hole…but it was all a game. My cam shows back in the day were epic representations of my sexuality and every moment was totally on purpose.

Since live-streaming life has become such a thing, people are going to start accidentally showing off parts of their life that they don’t necessarily want to.

Clinton Njié is a professional football (soccer for the American Peepz) player who plays for Dynamo Moscow in the Russian Premier League and the Cameroon national team. He was so psyched when he got signed that he accidentally live streamed himself getting some pussy in a hotel room. In a few different interviews, he said that he was actually looking at the news and accidentally pressed the wrong button.

This story should be a little bit confusing for anyone who has access to a cell phone. I call shenanigans.

Maybe it’s just me, but when I’m about to fuck, I put my phone down. It doesn’t matter that I’ve got a few emails to read or that my snapchat notifications are going off. My twitter feed might be blowing up but if my pussy is wet, the Internet can wait. There’s no way that I’m accidentally live streaming because the buttons that need to be pushed to do that are far away from my body.

Maybe Clinton’s scandal is a bit of a warning to all of us to put the phones down for a little while and enjoy the bodies that are in front of us. The real world isn’t such a bad place when there are orgasms on the horizon.

Source: SB Nation

Image: Soapy Soccer by Brazzers

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TES Fest ’19: Public Play for Harlot

After everything that I lived through in my 20s, it is sometimes very hard for me to trust people. I lived fast and I left my lovers and play partners in the wake of me slamming the door in their faces. The result of me putting up such high walls around my emotions is that it is hard for me to accept the fact that people aren’t going to physically hurt me.

For years, I have enjoyed BDSM from afar. My wife is the only person that has touched me in the last five years and I’m totally OK with that. When it comes to public play parties and fetish conventions and whatnot, I participate from a strictly voyeur stance, unless my wife and I are feeling like playing in public. I decided that this TES Fest was going to be different though. The barriers that were inside my mind needed to be broken down because it was time. I wanted to bottom for someone other than my wife.

When I was on OK Cupid back in the day, I met a fuck ton of amazing people. Some of them were fuck buddies, some of them were my partners and some of them were my friends. Actually a lot of them turned into my friends and this year’s TES turned into a reunion of sorts. One of the men in particular had stayed in touch with me on basically every social networking platform that I have. He’s a really great guy from New York and literally the only reason we have never hooked up was because (especially when I was in my 20s) I hate driving into NYC.

The guy sent me a message on Fetlife and asked if I was at the fest, because he thought that he saw me walking to a class in front of him. I was super excited to hear from him and let him know that I definitely was around and that I’d love to spend some time with him later. While my wife was playing rough with her favorite wrestling partner, I approached him so we could start negotiating our scene.

He has these claws that are like extensions of his fingertips. They are intensely sharp but he says that he’s never broken skin with them. We walked into the dungeon together and he asked me to strip down. At first, I left on my fishnet bodysuit, but once I realized that he wanted to use the claws on me, I ended up taking that off two. I was completely naked in front of a room of about 50 strangers for the first time in over a decade.

He pushed me back into a spider web made of chains. I hesitated at first and literally had to say out loud, “It’s Ok to trust him,” because I knew that he wasn’t going to hurt me. I leaned back, closed my eyes and started to feel the pressure of his clawed hands on my thighs. He flattened his palm against my tits and squeezed with his fingertips so hard that my mouth opened and I screamed just a little.

I missed that feeling so much. The public aspect of it, the pain aspect of it, the pure sensation of adrenaline running through my body as I let myself go completely and trust this man that I’ve known for years, but only officially met a few hours before.

I was riding on a crazy high of different sensations and emotions. There was so much clarity for me. I have missed out on years of experimentation because of a few experiences that I did not consent to…but in that moment, as soon as he touched me, none of that mattered.

I learned so much about myself in the 20 minutes that I was completely naked and at his mercy. Finding balance is something that I struggle with in all aspects of my life. There is definitely a place where I can experience the glorious pain of BDSM and the sensuality of being touched without trauma existing. I had just forgotten that it was possible for so long.

Image: Mi Ha Doan in Binding Light by Reality Kings

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Paying for the First Date

How much money do you drop to impress your partner on your first date? When I was single, I was much more likely to meet someone for a coffee (tea actually, but whatever) and a walk in the park than I was to drop mad cash in a fancy restaurant.

First dates set expectations for the duration of the relationship, I think. For our first meeting, my wife and I went to a used video game store so she could scope out Sega Genesis games and then we went next door for some sushi. Yes, sushi does sound fancy, but it was convenient and is actually our favorite food. We split the bill in half when it came time to pay up so neither of us got saddled with a huge check.

It was probably one of the nicer first dates I’ve gone on. That fact has nothing to do with why I married her, other than the fact that we vibed from jump and have never looked back.

Sum total spent on my first date with my wife was probably $50 because I am pretty sure I bought a Tshirt at the vintage gaming store. She bought a handful of Genesis games, so I’m guessing she spent about the same.

In the Bustle article linked below, they note that in the UK, the average spent per first date is about £100. With the market as it stands today, that’s about $106 USD and $156 CAD. That seems super high to me, yet if you look back at my first date story, that’s exactly how much we spent.

Dating gets really expensive. I always knew it, but maybe I never realized exactly how expensive it was. If you end up going on two dates a week, that can be a huge chunk that needs to be cut into your budget. I don’t think there’s any problem with splitting things up, but some people do. It’s probably better to have a conversation about who is going to take care of the checks before you are sitting down to eat or in line to participate in whatever activity. Talks like that can also make or break the experience, so tread lightly and choose your words carefully.

Back in the day I dated a few guys who straight up said to me, “If we go out to eat, I’m not paying for your food.”

Now, there are a million polite ways to ask the person you’re hanging out with to pay their own way, but that was not one of them. I also think that asking if one person covers dinner and one person covers the movie or whatever activity is a polite way to split things up. Even if both sides aren’t even, at least the full financial responsibility of the outing isn’t on one person.

How much do you think you average spending on a first date, Peepz? Do you prefer to cover the whole tab for your partner or do you go Dutch? Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter.

Source: Bustle

Image: Jenny Diamond in Fast Times on a First Date by Brazzers

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Fap Along with Harlot: Pretty in Purple

Of Magic, Magic Johnson and Performing Magic on Someone’s Johnson

Vaginas With a Bit More Room

Nicole Polizzi Talks About Virgin-Like Sex

From what I hear, giving birth makes sex different. There’s a lot going on with your inside and outside parts so you have to be careful that nothing rips apart or gets fucked up while you’re banging. No one knows this better than mother of three and Jersey Shore star, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi.

Snook has never been the type of celebrity to stay quiet about her sex life. She’s had plenty of on-screen hook up time during her stint on Jersey Shore and all its iterations. Now that she is settled down with her husband and family, her idea of a night out has been tweaked a bit but that doesn’t mean that she isn’t the life of the party.

After giving birth to her son in May, Nicole sat down with the Women on Top podcast to talk about being a mom, sex after birth, drinking wine and partying after MILF status has been initiated and powered up three times over.

Snooki describes her perfect date night with her husband as going out to dinner and getting “horny drunk on wine,” then heading home to put the kids to bed so that they can fuck like teenagers in their spare bedroom. But since she gave birth just a few months ago, she’s going to hold off just a bit before she goes for the gusto and gets down and dirty again.

She says that sex after pregnancy is different at first, “It feels like you are a virgin again. It just hurts. It’s uncomfortable. It starts to feel good after you get into the motions, but you need a lot of lube, let’s just put it that way,” I mean…I’m of the opinion that everyone should be using a lot of lube, but it’s whatever. If Nicole says lube it up, I’m going to lube it up. I just hope that all her fans follow her suggestion.

Since I have never given birth, I’m not sure how it actually feels. I imagine that after your body endures all that trauma, you have to give yourself some time to rest though. As elastic and magical as vaginas are, surgery and stitches and shit like that can get super fucked up if you aren’t careful.

How do you Peepz feel about sex during and after pregnancy? Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter.

Source: Yahoo News

Image: Nicole Polizzi’s Instagram

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