After everything that I lived through in my 20s, it is sometimes very hard for me to trust people. I lived fast and I left my lovers and play partners in the wake of me slamming the door in their faces. The result of me putting up such high walls around my emotions is that it is hard for me to accept the fact that people aren’t going to physically hurt me.
For years, I have enjoyed BDSM from afar. My wife is the only person that has touched me in the last five years and I’m totally OK with that. When it comes to public play parties and fetish conventions and whatnot, I participate from a strictly voyeur stance, unless my wife and I are feeling like playing in public. I decided that this TES Fest was going to be different though. The barriers that were inside my mind needed to be broken down because it was time. I wanted to bottom for someone other than my wife.
When I was on OK Cupid back in the day, I met a fuck ton of amazing people. Some of them were fuck buddies, some of them were my partners and some of them were my friends. Actually a lot of them turned into my friends and this year’s TES turned into a reunion of sorts. One of the men in particular had stayed in touch with me on basically every social networking platform that I have. He’s a really great guy from New York and literally the only reason we have never hooked up was because (especially when I was in my 20s) I hate driving into NYC.
The guy sent me a message on Fetlife and asked if I was at the fest, because he thought that he saw me walking to a class in front of him. I was super excited to hear from him and let him know that I definitely was around and that I’d love to spend some time with him later. While my wife was playing rough with her favorite wrestling partner, I approached him so we could start negotiating our scene.
He has these claws that are like extensions of his fingertips. They are intensely sharp but he says that he’s never broken skin with them. We walked into the dungeon together and he asked me to strip down. At first, I left on my fishnet bodysuit, but once I realized that he wanted to use the claws on me, I ended up taking that off two. I was completely naked in front of a room of about 50 strangers for the first time in over a decade.
He pushed me back into a spider web made of chains. I hesitated at first and literally had to say out loud, “It’s Ok to trust him,” because I knew that he wasn’t going to hurt me. I leaned back, closed my eyes and started to feel the pressure of his clawed hands on my thighs. He flattened his palm against my tits and squeezed with his fingertips so hard that my mouth opened and I screamed just a little.
I missed that feeling so much. The public aspect of it, the pain aspect of it, the pure sensation of adrenaline running through my body as I let myself go completely and trust this man that I’ve known for years, but only officially met a few hours before.
I was riding on a crazy high of different sensations and emotions. There was so much clarity for me. I have missed out on years of experimentation because of a few experiences that I did not consent to…but in that moment, as soon as he touched me, none of that mattered.
I learned so much about myself in the 20 minutes that I was completely naked and at his mercy. Finding balance is something that I struggle with in all aspects of my life. There is definitely a place where I can experience the glorious pain of BDSM and the sensuality of being touched without trauma existing. I had just forgotten that it was possible for so long.
Image: Mi Ha Doan in Binding Light by Reality Kings
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