I just had a live earwig in my mouth. How did this happen, Lola, you find yourself asking?! No, I was not trying out some new age cuisine. Nope, I was not so desperate for food that I decided foraging for grubs was a good idea. I was simply sipping through a straw.
I like drinking through a straw, okay. It makes everything taste better, but since I care about the environment and all that crap I bought myself a metal straw that can be washed and reused. I never thought to look through the hollow tube to make sure it was empty, but I should have because that first pull of smoothie was kind of chunky.
To my dismay, when I pursed my lips and spit the chunk into my hand it was not a piece of unblended kale as I had surmised, but rather a life earwig. Yes, the damn thing was still alive. Covered in green smoothie gunk, but still alive. It even survived being thrown across the room.
I searched for ten minutes, but I was able to find and kill the offending earwig. It was definitely the same bug; he still had some green smoothie on his pincers. I will be having nightmares about this for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to use another straw.
There’s no coming back from this, even Zana’s magnificent boobs can’t soothe what ails me.
P.S. Doesn’t it look like the last four pics of this shoot were taken in a different decade than the rest of the pics? I don’t know what’s happening. I can’t think beyond the earwig. Although, I guess in this case it was a mouthwig.
P.P.S. I just stole that joke from someone.
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Via scanof.net – Follow Lola Byrd on Twitter @misslolabyrd
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