Her Butthole is Not a Business

My hate/hate relationship with facebook is well documented on the Internet. I was a hold out for a very long time, but ended up creating an account when I got laid off from my job two lifetimes ago. Keeping up with ex-coworkers seemed like a good idea at the time.

At this point, facebook helps me find fun (and inexpensive) things to do with my free time. My wife and I enjoy going on random adventures and the only way we’re going to hear about a cheese tasting class or a fun bird watching hike is to be on fb hunting around for events.

One of my biggest dislikes about the site is the fact that they are information hoggers. They extort our information, listen in on our wants and desires, create algorithms around our clicks and selling off that information to the highest advertiser. It’s fucking terrible and it pisses me off. So many fraudulent pages are floating around and a lot of the time fb does nothing to stop them.

Enter: Samantha Rae Anne Jespersen’s Butthole

When she was 15, someone decided that it would be a good idea to trick fb’s algorithm into creating a business page called, “Samantha Rae Anne Jespersen’s Butthole.” The location pin marks the house where her family used to live. She’s been trying to get the page taken down since she discovered it in 2015, but to no avail.

Buzzfeed took on the task and had a much more positive reasult.

Facebook sucks because it seems to respond quickly to situations only when they are under pressure. There’s no reason why Buzzfeed should have needed to get involved with this whole situation. Obviously, a business by the name of Samantha Rae Anna Jespersen’s Butthole doesn’t exist. Slightly ironically, if the business DID exist, the puritans over at HQ would have taken the page down with a quickness.

They’re a bunch of assholes over there.

Less than a day after Buzzfeed posted the article linked below, fb finally pulled the page. Nothing like a bit of negative advertising to bite you in the ass and get you moving, right?

I feel bad for Samantha, because Google has a hard time forgetting search results. If prospective employers look around for information on her name right now, her butthole business shows up. It’s going to take a little bit of ingenuity to trick the system into fixing that.

Source: Buzzfeed

Image: Christy Mack in Wet and Wild Whooty by Brazzers

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Loud Sex Sounds From The Ladies Mostly For Men’s Benefit?

Good news and bad news bros. That screamer you just started banging, the chick who’s driven so insane and wild by your cock, might be putting on a bit of a show for your benefit. If that’s disappointing to you the good news is it might be giving her a little sexual thrill to see her guy getting his rocks off by it.

Researchers at Leeds University in England surveyed a number of women about their vocalizations during fuck time and found out that a whopping 87% of women reported they scream and shout during sex to get the guy feeling good and to get him to cum, not because they’re overwhelmed by penis given pleasure.

However: “The women also said their own pleasure was enhanced if they thought their partner’s was.” So that’s pretty great, everybody is winning, so don’t get suspicious if your screw buddy is acting when she’s yelling, it’s just leading to better sex for everyone.

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Penis Implant Surgery Leads To 8 Month Boner, Lawsuit

Daniel Metzgar, a 44 year old trucker from New Jersey, was going through a hard time in the bedroom with his wife – his Daniel 2 didn’t have quite the stiffy staying power it had in it’s youth. Rather than turn to some of the popular medications men use he decided to get a pump based implant that would give him erections whenever he needed them.

But that was just the beginning of 8 straight months of hard times.

The implant worked a little too well and gave Mr. Metzgar an 8 month long erection. Once which ruined his life as he had to resort hiding indoors from friends and family (and society at large) who he didn’t want to offend with his permarection and wearing baggy clothes to hide the boner when he did have to go out.

Oh and his balls swelled to the size of volleyballs.

He waited to see a doctor about the issue to a mix of embarrassment and losing his health insurance but when he finally did they had to remove the pump and a lot of damage was done down there.

He’s now suing the clinic and the doctor who originally gave him his nightmare woody. His case is a lesson to all of us for the concept of “too much of a good thing”.

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Sex Found To Lead To Longer, Stickier Lives

Aside from babies and other sexually transmitted diseases, I am hard pressed to think of a negative consequence of sex. A quick trip to pound town can turn a bad day into a good one. Throwing a homely, but funny blogger a bone can boost his confidence and motivate him to finish all of his posts within a reasonable time frame. Sex is a wonderful thing, and a group of sex-doctors figured out that having a whole bunch of it can actually make you live longer

According to research done by the Department of Sexual Medicine at Alvarado Hospital, regular sex has a number of health benefits that can increase both the length and quality of your life. First of all, who the fuck even has a Department of Sexual Medicine, and why are they wasting their time explaining how awesome sex is? I have a liberal arts degree and I spend most of my free time getting punched in the head for the sake of sport, and I can tell you sex makes everything better. These guys should be using their powers of sexy medicine to prove that performing oral sex prevents cancer or something equally beneficial to the rest of us.

Aside from stating the obvious, the article does bring up some rather interesting points as to why, medically, a good fucking improves your health and seems to ease some of life’s pains. They claim:

“During sex, the hormone oxytocin (which will come up again and again in this discussion) is released in your body, and oxytocin reduces pain. In a study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, volunteers who inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked felt only half as much pain as others who did not inhale any oxytocin.”

So there you have it, ladies and gents. It turns out all that horizontal tango we spend most of our day trying to procure is going to help us live longer, happier lives. Coincidentally, the article (which I barely read) didn’t seem to say anything about masturbation.

If masturbation in anyway increases the length of one’s life, I’ll be dancing on all your graves so long as my Wicked account never closes.

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The “C” Word (No Not Cunt)

Oversaturation is a tricky thing, Peepz. Sometimes over stimulating your mind and body can have negative effects. Having too much of a good thing definitely has its downfalls.

Dating apps are one of those things that can be too much all at once.

I’m on the app Lex every day, multiple times a day. While I don’t use it for dating, my wife and other people definitely do. She’s heard a handful of stories about how the app is cool, but sometimes the people who are using it are not so cool. It’s the age old dating dilemma though. You go on bazillions of bad dates until you get to a place where you either find some people that you click with, or you decide to be cool with flying solo.

Obviously there is a spectrum of grey in between those two extremes…but flying solo is an option that appeals to some people.

Celibacy is a word that doesn’t get tossed around a whole lot in my circles of friends. That doesn’t make it a bad option though. Sometimes you need to take a break from dating, from apps, from social media in general (except for Peeperz, right Peepz?) and focus all of your attention on yourself.

You can learn so much about who you are and the things that you dream about experiencing when you take a step back from all the stimuli around you in order to focus on yourself. While I don’t know that I would be cool with ever being celibate, I can see the draw for some people.

It’s nearly empowering, right? Taking control of your body, whether you’re going through a sexual revolution or an inwardly imposed hunger strike for orgasms, it’s freeing. You can do whatever you’d like with your time…fuck or don’t fuck…masturbate or have orgies…and everything in between.

Giving up sex isn’t something that I can picture myself doing though. I swear that I’m going to be a 90-year-old woman with a hitachi and a MASSIVE traffic cone sized dildo masturbating on her back porch in the sunshine. My wife will probably be sitting next to me wondering how I can fit all of that inside me and still manage to work the vibrator the right way.

Coordination is my favorite “C” word, Peez. Celibacy? Not so much.

Image: Jessa Rhodes in Angel Tits by Brazzers

Source: The Guardian

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Parking Lot Toe Suck

One of my unicorn dreams is to have a house boy again. Back when I was single and on Xtube all the time, I met a guy who liked to cross dress. He would come over to my house every Sunday morning and do my dishes, along with whatever chores I needed him to take care of. After an hour of that, he would kneel down in front of me and clean my feet with his tongue.

We had a really great arrangement until I added someone else into the mix. He wanted to try cock sucking, I knew a guy that wanted his dick sucked by a cross-dressing man…the three of us got together and then the two of them bugged out.

Sometimes the fantasy inside your head is way better than actual reality. It’s totally fine, that’s how things go sometimes.

A few weeks ago, I started talking to a guy on Fetlife. He was into domestic service type stuff and immediately asked if I was looking for a houseboy.

“Perpetually.”

That’s always my answer to that question.

Who wouldn’t want a filthy pervert doing their dishes and mopping their kitchen floors?

He is heavy into humiliation and feet. I can handled both kinks, though I’ll admit that I’m much more into feet than I am into making fun of people. My wife is REALLY good at humiliation play…I am REALLY good at having my toes sucked. Before we jump the guy into actual household service though, I needed to meet the guy and vet him.

Last Sunday, I skipped out on my writing and headed into town to grab some coffee with him. It’s winter in Jersey, but I wore a pair of open-toe sandals so that he was able to peep out the goods while we were sipping on lattes. He seemed to appreciate the gesture and accidentally-on-purpose got down on the floor to fix the wobbly table we were sitting at.

I’m going to completely admit a character flaw, my Peepz.

I like making my fantasies come true and there have been very few times in my life where I was cool with NOT making my fantasies reality. That’s a flaw because, again, sometimes the way that you imagine something playing out in your head doesn’t always coincide with the way that it is actually going to happen.

Before our meeting, I told the guy about my public toe sucking fantasy. I wanted him in my Fiat in a parking garage. When no one was around, I wanted him to pull my shoes off my feet, take off my stockings and suck on my toes as if he was making love to them.

I made all of that stuff happen…and then…suddenly the air changed and the guy was no longer comfortable with doing anything kinky in public. Reality vs. Fantasy started clashing in his head and he was suddenly very nervous and not OK.

We stopped dead in our tracks. My hand went from gripping on his back to slowly stroking his hair to calm him down. He didn’t want to play anymore and that was totally fine.

I’m not sure if this guy is going to end up being an incredibly awesome kinky friend or someone that I met one time for coffee, but I had a blast while it lasted. It’s been so long since I’ve been on a “date,” (that is not what this was, but I think it’s the easiest way to describe the attraction) in a very long time and I totally forgot how overwhelming I can be in situations where there is attraction involved.

Slow and steady wins the race…sometimes I’m not in the mood to win though.

Image: Alpha Harlot’s Private Stash

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Fap Along With Harlot: Angela White

At yesterday’s AVN Awards, Angela White cleaned the fuck up. She walked away with the award for Favorite Female Porn Star, Social Media Star, Most Spectacular Boobs and Female Performer of the Year, to name just a few. Every scene she’s in is magic and she’s worthy of every one of the statues she’s racked up.

To celebrate her success, I’ve pulled together 5 Pornhub clips featuring the AVN Award Winner to show off all her talents. If you Peepz are ready, let’s take it slow and work our way through all of the clips together. Let’s fap!

Silky stockings and barely-there lingerie tip this masturbation clip over the top. Angela is so beautiful and watching her pleasure herself with a super charged vibrator makes my own pussy tingle with excitement.

Angela’s versatility is one of the major reasons she’s at the top of her game right now. She’s fucking hotties all over the place in scenarios that involve both “taboo” situations and beautiful camera work. In this clip, she fucks trans star Aubrey Kate.

Filthy chicks like Angela White don’t need fluffy pillows and satin sheets all the time. She bangs in a house that isn’t even hers in this Property Sex clip. I wonder if the buyer got what he was looking for.

Angela comes to the defense of her husband and confronts his boss with her titties. Big dick bullies usually get what they’re looking for, especially when they fuck with people’s paper.

She’s dressed up like a cat burgling bad girl in this last clip for Brazzers. You don’t want to mess around and get on Angela’s bad side. She’s one bad bitch who will jump through hoops to get her orgasm on.

That’s all for this week, my Peepz! Are you a sloppy fucking mess, because I sure am. If you’d like a Fap Along of your very own, hit me up in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter.

Image: Angela White in A Day With Pornstar Angela White by Brazzers

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Get Healthy and Cum

In January, the world sees an influx of “New Year, New Me,” posts all over social media. Being in a state of constant evolution is tough, but it’s how I’m living lately. One of my promises to myself on New Year’s Eve was that I wanted to go back to participating in daily orgasms.

Cumming regularly makes me feel like I can conquer the world. When an orgasm is pulsing through my body first thing in the morning, it wakes me the fuck up and gets me ready to take on the day. Interestingly, when I cum right before I go to bed, it knocks me out and relaxes me into sleep. Masturbation is versatile, I swear.

Other than relaxation, regular orgasms can get you on the path to better health. Let’s talk about a few ways that you can get your body and mind in check just by participating in a little bit of self love.

When you’re cumming regularly, your libido improves. It’s a bit like an addiction in that, the more you get off, the more your body wants to get off. It can also increase blood flow, as well as vaginal lubrication and elasticity. When the muscles expand and contract, it also strengthens your pelvic floor. The more exercise you do with those particular parts of your body, the less likely you are to end up with incontinence or erectile dysfunction.

If you have sex just once a week, it reduces the chance that you will die from a heart attack. When people who have heart attacks have had sex more than once a week, they were 27% less likely to die. Lowering your blood pressure can also happen under the right circumstances. Georgia State University study

Blood pumps through out your body and does all sorts of good shit.

Studies have also found that, when a woman orgasms a minute after her partner ejaculates, she is likely to retain more sperm and is therefor more fertile.

Best of all though? When your orgasm regularly it improves your self esteem. There is nothing sexier than a confident person walking into my bedroom to handle my body the right way. When you know what you need, and you know what you want, and you’re able to vocalize that to the person that you’re going to bang, magic happens.

How about you Peepz? Do you feel different the days that you cum vs. when you don’t? Hit me up in the comments below or chat me up on twitter.

Source: The Sun

Image: Rachel Starr in A League of Pornstars: A XXX Parody by Brazzers

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Top 10 Fetishes in the UK

Back in my Xtube days, I remember getting into a rather pompous, heated discussion with someone about the word “fetish”. The Oxford Dictionary states that the definition of fetish is, “A form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc”. People tend to toss the word around without actually knowing the definition.

Fetish has come to mean, “something that I like,” rather than, “something that I need”. That’s how language works.

My twenty-something self was convinced that I had a true fetish. I was not able to achieve orgasm unless something very specific was done to me. That made me special and, by proxy, “better”.

All of that is honestly a bunch of bullshit. This is definitely not the case with all fetishists, my “nearly-forty” self understands that younger Harlot NEEDED to feel unique and so I convinced myself that I needed that behavior in order to cum.

The definition of words evolves over time, as do people and nature in general. I didn’t understand that in my twenties.

Ahhhhh, youth!

A Pleasure Party company in the UK called Killing Kittens polled an obviously scientific number of people and came up with this list of the Top Ten Fetishes in the UK. Here’s what they compiled:

BDSM 16% Feet 5% Exhibitionism 4% Restraints 4% Group Sex 4% Latex 4% Shibari Rope 3.5% Voyeur 3.5% Leather 3% Threesome 2.5%

There’s nothing crazy or outlandish going on her. Most of it is what you would expect. I think that BDSM has the highest chunk of the percentage because it’s a catch all for kink. Restraints, Shibari Rope and even Leather are all part of BDSM as a whole.

What do you Peepz think about this list? Do you think that anything is missing or are you surprised by any of the kinks listed?

Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter for some one-on-one conversation.

Source: Metro UK

Image: Ashli Orion in Don’t Look a Gift Whore in the Mouth by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: AVN MILF Performer of the Year

I”m so psyched for the AVNs, Peepz! I can’t wait to see what everyone wears to the award show and what crazy stories start floating around on twitter. It’s the most wonderful time of the year for sure.

Like last week, I’m going to pull five clips of AVN winners from past years. This time around, we’re going to get off to clips that feature the MILF Performers from each year. There have been a few repeat winners, so I’m going to have to dive back a bit through time. These ladies are the best of the best and remain at the top of their game.

Are you ready for me? This is going to be hella messy, so I suggest grabbing a towel or two to clean up after yourself. Let’s fap!

Cherie DeVille snagged the MILF Performer of the Year honor in both 2018 and 2019. Fans can’t get enough of her sexy eyes and the way that she moans for more, regardless of who she’s fucking on camera. Here’s a Naughty America clip where she goes into Alpha mode and gets exactly what she wants.

In 2016 and 2017, Kendra Lust was the MILF to be. She has expensive taste and shows off her cock sucking skills while dipping her co-star’s dick in champagne. Super tasty, am I right?

There were some gaps in between India Summer’s MILF of the Year wins at the AVNs. She got the statue in 2012, 2014 and 2015. Here she is with Emily Willis getting down and dirty with the help.

The first year that MILF Performer of the Year was a category at the AVNs was 2010. Before that, the stigma of young pornstars being the only money makers. Julia Ann changed the game and snatched the trifecta of wins beginning that year and continuing her pseudo streak in 2011 and 2013. Here she is fucking for Brazzers.

That’s four winners and four videos. That’s all there has been so far. This year, the nominees in the category include some of my favorites of all time. We’ve got Britney Amber, Bridgette B., Dana DeArmond, Cherie DeVille, Nina Elle, Alexis Fawx, Reagan Foxx, Brandi Love, Kendra Lust, Katie Morgan, London River, Richelle Ryan, Silvia Saige, India Summer and Sarah Vandella. My pick for the winner is the infamous Dana DeArmond. We’ve watched her evolution from starlet to MILF and she’s been in front of the camera the whole damn time. Dana is probably my favorite performer in the industry right now because of that fact.

That’s all for this week, Peepz! I’ll catch you next week with more sexy videos for us to masturbate to together.

If you’d like a Fap Along of your very own, hit me up in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter.

Image: Dana DeArmond in Giving it to Mrs. DeArmond by Brazzers

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Billionaire Will Fly Girlfriend To The Moon

Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa is going to be the first private passenger to fly around the moon. SpaceX has been on the hunt for their first passenger for a few years now, but they won’t be sending Yusaku up alone. The money man only wants to fly around the moon with the woman he loves.

The hitch in that plan is that he hasn’t found his person yet…enter Reality Television, because of course. How else is a billionaire with all of the romantic resources at the tips of his fingers supposed to find true love?

Honestly, this comes across as a little bit creepy to me.

“Want to fly to the moon? Oh, OK…great. You’ve got to make a fool of yourself on TV first…then go through all the necessary Space Camp training…as long as they don’t find any defects in your physical person, and I don’t find any defects in your mental or emotional person, you can go to the moon. I swear.”

If you would like to apply to be on the show Full Moon Lovers, you can fill out the application by clicking here.

In order to be considered, there are certain criteria that must be met. According to the show’s website, you must:

・Single women aged 20 or over
・Bright personality and always positive
・Interested in going into space and able to participate in the preparation for it
・Want to enjoy life to the fullest
・Be someone who wishes for world peace

So I mean, easy peasy, right?

I don’t get reality TV dating shows. I think that rushing through courtship is something that messes up most relationships. You take hold of that new relationship energy and you just run with it…until it fizzles out. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t bang right away (obviously). I think that is actually part of the issue with some reality tv shows. People are either rushing to prove that they’re the most open sexually or holding out because they don’t want to bang on camera…and it’s a little difficult to figure out who is being truthful and who is only in it for the fame.

Or the money, as is the case with Yusaku.

This show has creepy written all over it, I think…but society is what it is at this point in time, so who am I to judge. There is obviously a market for this type of stuff, otherwise the market wouldn’t be saturated with it, right?

To remind you of the power of Reality Television, here’s a clip from Kim Kardashian’s sex tape.

Source: Gizmodo

Image: Brittany Andrews in Full Moon by Brazzers

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Do Men Cheat More Than Women?

I know I’ve talked about this before, but my wife and I are polyamorous. She’s actively looking for other women to date, and the Lex app that I spoke about a few weeks ago is really helping her along on her adventure. The issue that she’s running into is with the men that the women she’s dating are in relationships with.

I totally understand that our relationship is special. She can talk to me about making out in the back seat of her car with another woman and I don’t have an issue with it. Does it make me feel jealous? Sure, sometimes it does…but I tell her about those feelings too and it helps us work through them.

She’s really into this one woman right now, but that chick’s boyfriend is being a Debbie Downer about the fact that the two of them are having a good time. He gives his girl shit if she comes home happy, but in the same breath says that it’s cool that they date other people. I have some theories about why this keeps happening, even in my previous relationships.

Mentally and emotionally, women invest in relationship (regardless of context) faster than men do. We crave a well-rounded connection. In my experience with heterosexual relationships, men aren’t necessarily looking for much more than a physical connection outside of their primary partner. If their partner isn’t willing to “keep up” with them sexually, they go elsewhere for that one, specific need.

Do I think that men cheat more? I totally do. When women are in relationships with men and they stray, they are often looking for the loving attention that can be provided by another person. Men are looking for a hole to stick their dick into. We’re built differently…and that’s OK.

A new study by the BBC uncovered that men are 16% more likely to believe that cheating on their partner is acceptable. I think that’s an interesting tidbit of information. Society has molded our minds to believe that we must be monogamous for our entire lives. If we start feeling that we want to be with other people for whatever reason, rather than discussing it and hurting people’s feelings, we just do what we want to do in secret.

Polyamory isn’t for everyone, I totally get that. Even within poly relationships, not everyone is OK with being as open and honest with their partner as I am. Relationships make us vulnerable and that is a feeling that is hard for most people to wrap their heads around. Communication and honesty in all things though, Peepz…even if some feelings get hurt along the way.

Here’s a Pornhub clip from She Will Cheat to negate everything that I just talked about, but it’ll get your dick hard so it’s fine.

Source: Independent

Image: Ava Addams, Missy Martinez & Erik Everhard in Cheater Cheater Pussy Eater by Brazzers

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Her Vagina Smells Like a Goopy Candle

When you’re a rich white lady who has no cares in the world, you can start making shit up and people sheep will follow you everywhere. Not only that, but they will start throwing money at you with senseless abandon. Such is the case with Gwyneth Paltrow and her lifestyle company, Goop.

When she was collaborating with fragrance company Heretic to make a candle, she got excited about one of the scents saying that it smells like her vagina. Of course they jumped on the tag line and produced it quick and in a hurry.

View this post on Instagram

Now available @goop .com !! #hereticparfum #thissmellslikemyvagina #goop

A post shared by HERETIC PARFUM (@hereticparfum) on Dec 25, 2019 at 2:18pm PST

I take issue with a lot of what Gwyneth preaches. Sometimes she pushes “vagina health” tips that aren’t healthy at all. Like washing lady bits with soap and whatnot. Perhaps that’s why her puss supposedly smells like that? I’m not at liberty to say…but I do know that my vag, as well as my wife’s, smells like pussy. It’s a musky smell that I don’t really think SHOULD be replicated, because it’s so special.

From the Goop website, the $75 candle is described as:

With a funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent, this candle is made with geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed to put us in mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth.

I mean, that’s all well and good. I’d sniff it if I had an extra $75 plus shipping to toss away on 12 hours of a pleasant scent. Actually, that’s completely a fib. I don’t think I’d every give Gwyneth any of my money. She’s got enough of it already.

Good on Goop for getting the word, “Vagina,” into headlines. I’m into that kind of sexual body positivity. Paying $75 for a luxury candle that is supposed to smell like Gwyneth’s pussy? I’m not buying in.

Source: Paper Magazine

Image: Sofi Ryan in Cumming by Candlelight by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Best Actress

The AVNs are coming up, Peepz! It’s the most wonderful time of the year, where all the biggest names in the industry gather together in Las Vegas to hang out, shoot content and throw one an even better, sexier party than they did last year.

This year, the AVN Awards Show is on January 25. The hype is starting to build up on social media and everyone is psyched to get together. I figured that this week and next, I’d pull together some of the best of the best…Literally the creamiest of the crop…so that we can have some fun together and fap to some of the hottest babes that have ever graced Pornhub.

Are you ready? Let’s Fap!

Last year, the AVN for Best Actress went to Eliza Jane for the movie Anne: A Taboo Parody. The Los Angeles native grew up in the footsteps of the adult industry. She’s a beautiful blonde who comes across as coy and shy at first, but when it comes down to fucking, she’s all business. Here she is in a Twisty’s clip manning the bar and manhandling the pussy.

In 2018, the AVN for Best Actress went to Sara Luvv for her performance in The Faces of Alice. She’s known for being kinky as fuck and being able to outshine any thick cock that’s in the room. Here’s a little taste of her getting a rub down and then dicked down to show you why she’s one of the best.

Kleio Valentien received the Best Actress honor in 2017. I met her back in 2013 when she was judging the Air Sex Championship in NYC. At that point, she was just starting out and about to bust down the doors. She’s incredibly sexy and her tattoos give her that edge that all the biggest production companies are looking for.

The beautiful Penny Pax was bestowed the Best Actress trophy for her work in The Submission of Emma Marx: Boundaries back in 2016. Here she is with Ricky Johnson’s big dick all up in her holes.

I’m going to round out this Fap Along session with a clip from the 2015 AVN Best Actress winner, Carter Cruise. Here she is in a smoking hot threesome getting all the attention that her needy body desires.

That’s it for this week, Peepz. Keep fapping along until next week when we dive deep into the winners of past AVN awards.

If you’d like to have a Fap Along of your very own, hit me up in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter.

Image: Kleio Valentien in Cum Get a Massage by Brazzers

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Fish Bang and Make a Totally Different Fish

I’ve kept fish as pets for most of my life. My mom bought me a fairly large aquarium when I was four and I’ve been obsessed every since. Every night, I fall asleep to the sound of the filter running in the tank. It’s probably my favorite way to relax, other than masturbation, of course.

My wife and I pride ourselves on our fish names. First we had Lionel Fishie, then Leonard Fishburn and now we have Greg Louganis. Lionel and Greg were both betas, but Leonard was a massive African Cichlid that we inherited from our neighbors when they moved. He was a mean mother fucker, who prowled around his 55 gallon tank waiting for someone to come close. When you breezed past, he would smash his face up against the glass and chomp like he was a piranha.

Cichlids are interesting creatures and scientists have discovered something interesting about their sex lives.

Let’s say you’re a Cichlid and you’re swimming in the murky water of the river. You’re eyes aren’t so great, but you’re feeling kind of horny…I liken this situation to beer goggles. You’re swimming along looking for a nice piece of ass and you see the tail end of the perfect fishy one night stand. You do the do that nature tells you to do and you swim off into the sunset.

When the baby fish come around…they’re not exactly what you were looking for. Turns out that the fish that you did the nasty with was a different breed…so you’ve created an entirely new species of fish!

Scientists have discovered over 40 new types of cichlid species in Lake Mweru, which is off of the Congo River. How crazy is that? Fish are just banging all sort of different types of fish and creating entirely new species because they can’t contain their hormones.

These aren’t cichlids, but it’s still hilarious.

That’s basically what I look like on Saturday mornings.

Source: Fox News

Image: Julez Ventura in Fishing for Julez by Brazzers

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Nudes for Donations

Australia is burning, Peepz. It’s a serious situation and a metric fuck ton of animals and people are being displaced. An innovative model that goes by the name The Naked Philanthropist on twitter, has decided to take matters into her own hands. On January 3rd she told the world that she would send one nude picture per $10 donated to a fundraiser for the wildfires in Australia.

The ingenious money raising stunt has already raised over $500,000 and the number continues to grow as the story spreads like…well…like wildfire. Was that in poor taste? I hope that it wasn’t. I only mean that the tweet has gone completely viral and people are going crazy donating because of this amazing idea.

Here’s the tweet that started the storm of donations:

I’m sending nudes to every person who donates atleast $10 to any one of these fundraisers for the wildfires in Australia. Every $10 you donate = one nude picture from me to your DM. You must send me confirmation that you donated.
Please RT #AustraliaOnFire #AustraliaFires pic.twitter.com/VIgzCUy6Wf

— THE NAKED PHILANTHROPIST (@lilearthangelk) January 4, 2020

Fucking genius.

This is the perfect mix of smart and sexy all rolled into one. The traction that this story is receiving means that so much cash is going to be flowing into the hands of the people who need it. Hopefully the fires will be contained soon and the people of Australia can work on rebuilding their beautiful country. The pictures that are showing up on the news are fucking terrible. It’s reality but hella depressing so I’m not going to mess up your porny good vibes with those shots.

How do you Peepz feel about trading donations to a worthy cause for nudes? Are you more likely to donate if you know you’re getting some naked butts in return, or does it turn you off?

Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with your thoughts.

Source: Rolling Stone

Image: Australia’s own Angela White in Mantequilla Bay Bay by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Sexy Star Wars

Porn parodies can be fucking hilarious. While it isn’t necessarily my go-to genre for solo masturbation time, my wife will watch a few a month for their entertainment value. Re-inventing the stories that Hollywood feeds us into adult films is an art, and the greatest form of fanfic, IMO.

There’s a battle in my house between Star Wars (that’s me) and Star Trek (that’s my wife). While both have their merits, I love the battles and the effects, while she’s more interested in the story lines. I’ll watch all of it, it’s totally fine, but there’s something magical about the Return of the Jedi that just does it for me every single time.

To celebrate my vacation being over tomorrow, and the fact that I binged so much Star Wars over the past two weeks, I’ve pulled together five clips with some sexy stuff happening in the stars. Are you Peepz ready? Get your jizz prepped and ready to fly!

I wanted to start out with some classic fantasies….but let’s also pretend that we don’t know that Darth Vadar is actually Leia’s dad…OK? Nothing says, “Give me that pussy,” like keeping your helmet on while you’re getting some dome.

Pornhub Amateur Becky Whyte gets plowed from behind. She uses the force to get her hands on a light saber and doesn’t waste any time bending over so that she can get a little taste of the dark side.

Leia always has my heart. It’s an epic strong woman finding her way through the world fantasy…and for some reason, when it comes to adult films, it usually ends with her sucking Darth’s dick. I’m going to run with it because there’s anal up in this one. Gonzo style anal, at that.

When porno studios go all out on costuming and special effects, I’m going to pay attention. This Digital Playground clip is from a movie that I own on DVD…and I own it because I rented it way too many times to not justify buying it. Freaky aliens getting crazy in the club? Where do I sign up?

Last, but certainly not least, is Skin Diamond teaching Penny Pax a thing or two about how to use the force to orgasm. Does that make it a forced orgasm? I’m going to say yes. Thigh-high leather boots have me begging for more full body shots…but this clip is perfection otherwise.

That’s all for this week, Peepz! Don’t forget to clean up after yourself…no one likes cumstains on their fuck socks. If you’d like a Fap Along of your very own, hit me up in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter.

Image: Abby Cross in Star Whores by Brazzers

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Kelly Clarkson Bangs Daily (and you should too)

Every morning when my wife’s alarm clock goes off, she gets up immediately and starts her morning routine. I stretch a bit and then reach for my vibrator because there is literally no better way to start my day than an orgasm. Night time is the right time for my babe and I to bang if we’re going to, but before dawn is when my best masturbation happens.

Kelly Clarkson was being interviewed by Brynn Cartelli, winner of season 14 of The Voice and she was asked “What’s the last thing you do before you go to bed every night?”

Kelly’s answer, though diplomatically stated, was fucking her husband.

Yes, Kelly! Get that dick!!

The exact quote is, “I was single for many years, so…I have children and how one makes children is generally what I do before bed.”

I’m all for it. Both her complete honesty about her sex life and the fact that part of her bedroom routine involves sex with her husband.

Brush your teeth, get that mouth all feeling fresh…wash your face and get all the grime and muck right down the drain…You saunter into the bedroom, plug your phone in to charge, roll over to look into the eyes of the person who sleeps next to you…and you fuck yourselves to sleep.

Banging before bed can knock all of the stress of the day right out of you. It’s a really good way to forget about what’s going on outside of the bedroom and totally focus on what matters…feeling good. I think it’s a stand up way to finish up a long, hard day. It’s also super cool that Kelly was able to articulate her desire for sex with her husband without the media jumping all over her and slut shaming her. I think that’s my favorite part of this whole story.

How do you Peepz feel about nightly sex? Are you a daily nightly dabbler or do you get down less frequently? Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with your thoughts.

Source: E!

Image: Kelly Clarkson’s Instagram

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Don’t Let Your Dick Rot Off

New Year, new you, my Peepz! I feel like 2019 was a year of change and growth in my world. I lost some important pillars in my life, I started a few new adventures…and I partially left my own happiness at the wayside so that I could focus on getting my money straight. Maybe I say this every year, but I think that 2020 is going to be all about rediscovering what makes me happy.

Amanda Palmer wrote a song a few years back called, “Do You Swear to Tell the Truth,” and one of the verses is really resonating with me right now. She sings:

When I was 17 I was a blowjob queen
Picking up tips from the masters
I was so busy perfecting my art I was clueless to what they were after
Now I’m still a blowjob queen, far more selectively
I don’t make love now to make people love me
But I don’t mind sharing my gift with the planet
We’re all gonna die and a blowjob’s fantastic

And, I mean….she’s right. You do have to be careful when you’re sucking dick though…because sometimes accidents happen.

The Visual Journal of Medicine recently posted an article written by Marc Zosky, an assistant professor of emergency medicine at University of Arizona College of Medicine. The case involved a man in his late 40s who had been bitten on the tip of his penis by his lover 5 days prior to him going to the emergency room. The wound was severely infected and some of the tissue had turned black.

Know what that means?

That means that this guy had dead and festering skin tissue on the tip of his dick and he waited 5 days to go to the doctor.

I can warn you a million times, Peepz, but for real…if you want to see a picture of this wound, you can CLICK HERE but if you do not want to see it, DO NOT CLICK.

I have gone to the emergency room a few times due to sex related injuries. Is it embarrassing? I mean, sure…I guess…but at some point you have to suck it up and take care of business so that your dick doesn’t fall off. Don’t wait 5 days. If you’re not feeling up to par after 5 hours, I’d say head over to your local Urgent Care or Emergency Room.

Let’s make 2020 the year that we take better care of ourselves and don’t let our dicks fall off…unless they are actually detachable, like mine is. Deal? Deal.

Source: Gizmodo

Image: Veronica Vain in Fucking With a Vampire by Brazzers

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