Sex Found To Lead To Longer, Stickier Lives

Aside from babies and other sexually transmitted diseases, I am hard pressed to think of a negative consequence of sex. A quick trip to pound town can turn a bad day into a good one. Throwing a homely, but funny blogger a bone can boost his confidence and motivate him to finish all of his posts within a reasonable time frame. Sex is a wonderful thing, and a group of sex-doctors figured out that having a whole bunch of it can actually make you live longer

According to research done by the Department of Sexual Medicine at Alvarado Hospital, regular sex has a number of health benefits that can increase both the length and quality of your life. First of all, who the fuck even has a Department of Sexual Medicine, and why are they wasting their time explaining how awesome sex is? I have a liberal arts degree and I spend most of my free time getting punched in the head for the sake of sport, and I can tell you sex makes everything better. These guys should be using their powers of sexy medicine to prove that performing oral sex prevents cancer or something equally beneficial to the rest of us.

Aside from stating the obvious, the article does bring up some rather interesting points as to why, medically, a good fucking improves your health and seems to ease some of life’s pains. They claim:

“During sex, the hormone oxytocin (which will come up again and again in this discussion) is released in your body, and oxytocin reduces pain. In a study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, volunteers who inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked felt only half as much pain as others who did not inhale any oxytocin.”

So there you have it, ladies and gents. It turns out all that horizontal tango we spend most of our day trying to procure is going to help us live longer, happier lives. Coincidentally, the article (which I barely read) didn’t seem to say anything about masturbation.

If masturbation in anyway increases the length of one’s life, I’ll be dancing on all your graves so long as my Wicked account never closes.

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