When I first saw the headlines about a guy in Baltimore getting fired over watching 39 hours of porn over the course of a two week period, my first thought was this guy really should have looked into working at the EPA instead.
My second thought was while 39 hours is indeed a lot of time, if someone is just idly surfing porn sites all day, they might not really be “watching” porn during all those hours, so much as they’ve been looking for some porn to watch.
Then I read something which cast the whole story into an impressive new light: The dude was watching a porn DVD, in full-screen mode.
These facts change everything, as they speak to a focus on and dedication to the viewing material which goes way beyond mere channel-surfing. This was a man not idly browsing tube site categories, or plumbing the depths of a Google search for ‘free porn videos;’ clearly he was dissecting and digesting every moment of footage, more like a determined literature professor digging for meaning than an aroused porn viewer seeking orgasmic release.
As reported by the Baltimore Sun, there’s no indication it was a different DVD every day, or more than one DVD in any given day, which means on the day in which “viewing occurred for 6 hours and 46 minutes of an eight-hour day” he must have watched the same porn DVD at least two or three times that day – unless of course it was a porn DVD made by James Cameron, in which case it has approximately 400 hours of interviews with the director in the ‘extras’ section.
Either way, my primary take-away from this story now is, we must be talking about one hell of a DVD!
You know how there are some movies you can see 20 times and still not catch everything in them, like all the obscure self-references in Repo Man, the subtle symbolism which peppers Barton Fink or the continuity flaws and poorly executed stunts in American Ninja? Maybe it was that kind of porn DVD – something so layered, so nuanced or perhaps so obscured by bodily fluid it takes multiple viewings to even begin to wrap your brain around all its twists, turns and positional changes.
Without additional information, I’m not even sure how much I can bring myself to cyber-chastise this unidentified Baltimorean porn enthusiast. Maybe watching it full-screen in plain view of his coworkers was just a means of sharing something really meaningful to him, kind of like openly picking your nose while sitting at a traffic light, only a lot grosser and far more obviously unacceptable under any circumstances.
Either way, I was very pleased to hear the Inspector General, Rob Pearre Jr., say the outcome of the case would have been the same regardless of what the now-terminated city employee had been watching on his computer in lieu of doing his damn job.
“It would have been the same if he were watching sports on his computer for four out of eight hours a day,” Pearre said.
Actually, I’m certain one thing would have been different if this guy had been watching sports: There would have been no headlines about it, because nobody would give a shit about an article with the headline “City Employee Fired for Watching Too Much Baseball at Work.”
On the bright side for Baltimore, when it comes to allegations of problematic conduct on the part of its city employees hitting the news, I suppose there are things worse than excessive porn viewing the media could be focused on right about now….
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