One of the best things I’ve done for myself so far is delete all the dating apps on my phone. Swiping left and right is so damn superficial and I can’t handle it. I’d match with people who were totally my physical type, but then I’d find out in conversation that they were dumb as a box of rocks and I can’t hang with that.
It’s interesting because part of me feels as though I had a much easier time finding people to connect with in a text based world. While I’m comfortable with my body right now, I was definitely much more comfortable with it when I was younger. Every time I get a negative comment about something that has to do with my appearance, it goes straight to my gut and changes into butterflies. When I was in my 20s, I think that I just didn’t give a fuck what people thought of me. Plenty of men that I dated made comments about the fact that they, “Aren’t usually into fat chicks,” but then they’d fuck me and come back for seconds just the same.
Sometimes I’d let them lick my pussy, but most of the time I wouldn’t. If you’re rude enough to say something like that, you definitely don’t deserve to taste the goods.
Because society, especially now, is so centered around image, sometimes it’s hard to figure out if what you’re seeing in the mirror isn’t distorted by your own self doubt. Sometimes people (like me) turn to sex for verification of wanting and sometimes they go in the complete opposite direction and decide not to fuck to avoid the baggage that comes along with being a living, breathing person in the dating pool.
In the Buzzfeed article linked below, the author talks about her own experiences with sex and men who dismiss her because of her body. I had tears streaming down my overly emotional face when I read it because I’ve been there before. No one ever wants to feel like they are a consolation prize in order to get their rocks off. The author decided that, rather than deal with the fucked up messes that sometimes happens when you hook up with people, she would just be celibate. No sex, Peepz. No. Sex.
I’m in a place right now where I’m trying to untangle my ideas of self worth from my ideal sexual situations. I would like to find a kinky woman who I clique with on multiple levels, but most importantly we need to be on the same page in the bedroom. I’m definitely not going to spend the rest of my life waiting for someone to make me orgasm when I can certainly do the deed by my damn self.
How long has your longest stretch without sex been? Do you think that you relate your attractiveness to being able to fuck others?I feel like I may be entering into a healing wave of celibacy that may last a few months. While I’m definitely not going to put any money on that amount of time, it’s a possibility.
Source: Buzzfeed News
Image: Sofia Rose in Disciplinary Action by Brazzers
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