Ghosts And Recalls: An Odd Week In British Sex News

When it comes to product recalls, there have been many over the years that were no cause for concern on my part.

The recent recall of Mikesell’s Nacho Cheese Tortilla Chips due to the possibility they could be infected with salmonella, for example, never registered on my radar, despite my affection for anything which can be legitimately marketed under the description of “chip.” And while there’s almost nothing I like more than reclining in a big, cozy chair, fortunately I have yet to obtain one which occasionally imparts an unintended electric shock to its occupant.

When I spotted a headline about a vibrator recall, on the other hand, I immediately understood the need to pay close attention – and to double-check a few brand names on some household items around here, if you catch my drift.

The Vibrator I Want: One Which Doesn’t Require ‘Prolonged Use’
I’m a busy person (well…. not really, but it sounds good as a sentence-starter so let’s just roll with it, shall we?), so I’m always on the lookout for things which can improve my efficiency, like recipes for quickly-made dinners, shoes which can make my feet hurt without having to walk long distances first and men who have the sense to just agree with me without all that arguing about whether driving due west from my house is the best way to get to the airport which is (sure, technically) located about 20 miles south of my place.

One thing I’ve never found, however, is a vibrator which can get the job done faster than the very first one I ever laid hands on. Oh sure, I’ve read about vibrators which are supposed to take me to the promise land on the erogenous zone express bus, and I’ve tried ones with names which certainly imply near-Superman speed, but in my experience, good things of orgasmic sort only come to those who are willing to wait.

The reason I bring up the matter of efficiency is from what I’ve read, the problem behind the recall of the Black Power Wand revolve around the tendency of wires near the base to become exposed “over a period of prolonged use” – and I’m having trouble imaging any other way of using the device.

This might need some explaining for the menfolk reading this post, so the rest of you, just indulge me for a moment.

You see gents, all those exciting scenes from your favorite porn movies notwithstanding, most of us ladies don’t immediately start climaxing as soon as our clitoris is exposed to oxygen. In fact, let’s say you want to elicit more than a few shortened, shallow breaths as a response to your cunnilingual efforts, you’d better be prepared to be down there for more than the average of eleven seconds of male-on-female oral sex depicted in a lot of mainstream hetero porn.

Yes, I know: Some women can reach orgasm very quickly. I know this because I have a friend or two who have irritated me severely with excruciatingly detailed descriptions of their rapidly-achieved, seemingly endless streams of multiple orgasms. But just because I (grudgingly) concede the existence of such women doesn’t mean I have to like it.

None of this has anything to do with the Black Power Wand, of course (a device which, by all rights, really ought to be shaped like fist) or the recall thereof, but does satisfy my need to bitch about the unfairness of life, which is why I got into writing in the first place.

Any Chance This ‘Sex Ghost’ Is Available On Demand?
The other recent sex-news item from the U.K. which caught my eye is a lot more intriguing than a product recall: It’s about a “sex ghost.”

According to Kadeena Cox, a paralympian taking part in a reality TV show called “The Jump,” she was violated by a ghost, which was “going in and out of her.”

While I have no desire to be penetrated by an uninvited ghost, if this sex ghost is willing and able to perform on demand, I’d be more than happy to have him haunting my pantry, or toolshed, or wherever it is sex ghosts like to hang out. Such a ghoul could really come in handy on those nights when a certain male resident of my household is too tired after work, or too full after dinner, or too depressed after watching the nightly news, or otherwise uninterested in fulfilling his only real, valid purpose on this earth husbandly duties.

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Plastic Surgeon Creates Perfect Woman, Proposes On First Date

I know a lot of artists who complain about having to let go of something they put a lot of their heart and soul into. Like beauty, perfection is in the eye of the beholder and it can be painful to watch a masterpiece walk away in the hands of someone else.

This is probably how Dr. David Matlock felt.

Matlock is a plastic surgeon from Beverly Hills who first met a woman named Veronica in 2007 when she came in looking to get a designer vagina. She had given birth to a daughter and was a little bit worse for wear and thought some vaginal rejuvenation and labiaplasty was in order.

Upon taking a closer look at Veronica, Dr. Matlock also suggested she undergo a “Wonder Woman Makeover,” which is pretty much a top to bottom overhaul. She was too shy and embarrassed to look Matlock in the eye, but for him it was love at first sight. Well, eventually.

After completing a series of procedures on the woman, he asked Veronica out on a date where he would then propose to her. She agreed and since getting married he has continued to tune her up. Matlock also gets himself injected and adjusted, but he and his wife both maintain their physiques with extensive diet and exercise.

All things considered, Matlock must be pretty good because he and his wife both look amazing. Veronica jokes that she’s a “walking billboard” for her husband’s handy work. They spend most of their time looked taut and rubber faced but really do seem to be in love. For now, anyway.

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Labiaplasty And Porn: How To Manufacture Causality

When I was a youngster, the last day of each year at my elementary school was marked by a charming tradition. The teachers would let out class early, the groundskeeper would turn on the sprinklers which watered the grassy playgrounds, the kids would to run around like maniacs getting showered by the sprinklers, then we’d all sit around eating watermelon until it was time to go home for the summer.

Inevitably, there were parents who had complaints and concerns, as well as the spread of odd legends and cautionary tales.

“If you swallow those seeds, a watermelon will grow in your stomach,” one child told me.

As the daughter of an epidemiologist who was fond of summarily shattering silly myths I’d tote home from school, I was already quite familiar with the speciousness of this watermelon-based claim.

“It’s a good thing they don’t do this sprinkler run right before the Christmas break, too,” I overheard one mother say. “The kids would all catch colds!”
Not really, as it’s viruses which cause colds, not ambient temperatures or moisture in the air – but don’t try telling the mother of any pre-teen such a thing, because doing so will just reveal you as a member of the college-educated elitist scum ruining the fun for everybody else.

Some 35 years later, if I want the opportunity to wax nostalgic for the days in which dubious claims were spoken to me in a grave tone which suggests just how assured is the truth of the information contained therein, all I need do is fire up the internet and read about any of the myriad evils which is – without a doubt, the experts tell us – “caused” by pornography.

The porn-caused evil of the day this morning? Why the massive explosion in labiaplasty procedures being performed each year, of course.

If You Don’t Certain Collect Data, Then Suddenly You Do, Guess What Happens?
“Increasing numbers of women are going under the knife to have a ‘Barbie vagina’ as a result of watching internet porn, experts claim,” is how the Daily Mail article on the subject begins.

The experts, in this case, are the good folks from the International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ISAPS), a bunch of people I’m sure are loads of fun at parties – so long as you don’t make the mistake of asking one of them if your ass looks too big in your party dress.

If you read the article, it cites two statistics in total isolation to support its claim: The number of labiaplasty procedures performed in 2015, as well as the number of vaginal rejuvenation procedures performed the same year. More accurately, what the article offers is rounded-off numbers from the ISAPS, numbers which themselves are projections based on surveys of plastic surgeons – projections the ISAPS itself concedes might not be entirely solid.

“Final figures have been projected to reflect international statistics and are exclusively based on the estimated number of Plastic Surgeons in each country and the respondent sample,” the report containing the 2015 estimates states.

I’m not going to get into a big thing about statistical analysis here, but suffice to say assuming all plastic surgeons in any given country perform roughly the same number of each kind of procedure in a year is maybe not the most sophisticated assumption in the history of statistical analysis.

Setting this methodological qualm aside for a moment, there’s another problem here in terms of claiming there’s been an increase in these procedures: The data simply isn’t there to make such a determination, one way or the other.

If you look at ISAPS data for prior years, like 2010 and 2011 for example, you’ll notice there’s no information at all concerning the number of labiaplasty procedures performed. The report doesn’t show a higher number of such procedures, it doesn’t show a lower number; it simply doesn’t reference labiaplasty at all.

This makes it rather hard to determine if there’s been an increase in the number of those procedures in the intervening years, wouldn’t you say?

I suppose this does explain why some people would immediately conclude there’s been a huge increase in such procedures, though; pretty much by definition, this is what happens when you historically don’t count things, then start counting them.

You can prove this to yourself at home using a simple experiment. On Monday through Wednesday, don’t count the number of times your husband pisses you off in a day. Then on Thursday, start keeping track of the times he irks you in a notebook. Sunday morning, compare the count from Monday through Wednesday to the tally from Thursday through Saturday.

Once you’ve performed your analysis of the final tallies, you can then present the report to him over brunch Sunday morning as conclusive evidence he has been behaving like a total asshole since sometime around 11:59pm Wednesday night.

Even When The Relevant Data Is There, It Doesn’t Support The Claim
The first year in which labiaplasty shows up in the ISAPS data is 2013 – and even then, it’s lumped in with the number of vaginal rejuvenations performed the same year, again rendering it useless as a metric for comparing the 2015 estimates.

In the 2014 data, labiaplasty is finally listed as its own line-item, with a projected number of 99,432. Looking at the same number in the following year, the year which serves as the basis for the claim of a troubling increase in these surgeries, the “nearly 100,000” estimate referenced by the Daily Mail is 95,010.

So, after all that digging into these estimates (which are questionable to begin with), what do I find? A decrease in estimated labiaplasty procedures performed between 2014 and 2015 of around 4.4%, with no means of determining what the trend line might be with respect to prior years.

Is this what passes as a basis for a major medical concern these days? A procedure which represented slightly more than 1% of the total surgical procedures performed by plastic surgeons in the year the ISAPS estimated the largest number?

To give you some sense of perspective here, ISAPS estimates 1,348,197 breast augmentation surgeries were performed in 2015, along with 1.4 million eyelid surgeries and nearly 850,000 nose jobs.

Was porn to blame for all these elective surgeries, by the way, or just labiaplasty and vaginal rejuvenation? Did the 10,053 men who had their penises enlarged do so because they were trying to live up to stunt cocks in porn, or were these surgeries “necessary” in a way which doesn’t subject a man to ridicule by saying he wanted a

“Ron cock” to go with their lady friend’s “Barbie vagina”?

To answer those questions may require additional statistical analysis. Let’s just hope the analysis isn’t done by the Daily Mail or we’ll soon be reading panic pieces about men getting hair reduction surgeries because their forehead doesn’t measure up to that of Tom Hanks.

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25 Million Americans Want Robot Sex!

One of the most cited reasons for unhappiness is the lack of an intimate partner. This is quite different from loneliness. Best friends, internet communities and pets are excellent ways to keep from feeling lonely.

However many have difficulty making the kinds of personal connections required to maintain an intimate relationship with a sexual partner.

This is where robots come into play.

All the components are there, we simply lack the science to put them together. Dating simulators have been around for years as have sex dolls and toys. I’ve also seen YouTube videos of frightening robots that don’t give me a boner by themselves, but if you welded a Fleshlight to it then we might have a deal.

According to a recent survey I’m not the only one who feels this way.

25 million Americans recently revealed that they would have sex with a robot in an online poll. That’s approximately 9% of the total population.

Products do currently exist but they’re clunky and not nearly as sophisticated as robots we’ve seen walking up stairs and creeping out journalists at Japanese technology expos. So what are we waiting for? Slap some genitals on that Honda robot and set sail for the future.

Apparently people think it’s a waste of time and technology at this point in time. For decades science fiction writers and experts on artificial intelligence have been predicting that we’ll someday have sex and even fall in love with robots – but for now we’ll have to settle with leaning on the washing machine with an off balance load when nobody is around.

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Fap Along With Harlot: Prone Bone

Hello Peepz! I’m knee deep in a sexually charged holiday weekend and I’m ready to share some orgasms with y’all. Even though I’m feeling so turned on, I want to get fucked in the laziest way possible right now, so I’m doing a lot of prone boning.

Prone Bone is a position where the person getting fucked lays down flat and the person doing the fucking mounts them from behind. Other than bouncing my hips up and down a little bit it’s hard for me to get a good push back, which is totally fine sometimes.

I don’t mind being a pillow princess when I’m getting served long strokes from behind.

I’ve pulled five Pornhub clips for us to enjoy together today. They all involve prone boning so that we can all fantasize about being the top or being the bottom in that position as we see fit.

Are you ready? Grab some lube and your favorite jizz towel and let’s fap!

Carolina Sweets takes on one of the biggest dicks that I’ve ever seen in this first clip from Blacked Raw. The fuck buddies go through several positions before ending up in the prone bone. She stuffs her face into the mattress and screams with every inch that is shoved inside her.

Evelyn Claire needs a good recommendation to get into grad school. She lets the sexual tension between her professor grow until it’s about to explode. He stuffs her pussy from behind while her bubble but is as close to the mattress as it can possibly get.

Under normal circumstances, I’m a lover of closeups and being able to see all the goods while they are sliding in and out. In this case though, I’m infatuated with the view of Ms. November’s face while she’s getting boned down from behind.

I love the idea of getting off of work and just falling onto some cock. There’s nothing that makes my stress melt away faster than that. In this clip, a sexy, pierced, Latinx woman lays down to get some pipe laid after a long, hard day.

There is A LOT going on in this next clip. Adriana Chechik gets tied up, fucked crazy hard while she’s squirting all over the place. She takes instruction well and never seems to mind getting as filthy as humanly possible.

That’s all for this week, Peepz. I hope you’re as satisfied with this exchange as I am. If you’d like a Fap Along of your very own, let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with your requests.

Image: Diamond Foxxx in Lying Doggiestyle by Brazzers

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Is “The One” Even a Thing?

In my twenties and thirties, I wrestled with the idea of finding one singular person that I could connect with. As much as society told me that I “needed to,” find one partner to satisfy me mentally, physically and emotionally, what I came up with were more like puzzle pieces. One person would have chemistry with me in bed, another person would get me mentally and then a completely different person would come up with a way to meet my emotional needs. Polyamory seemed to be the way that I could fit all of these people in my life without having the guilt that monogamy forced upon me.

Eight years ago, I ended my last polyamorous relationship when my ex broke my cardinal rule of always having safer sex with his partners. At the time, my girlfriend (who later became my wife) was so freaked out because we had to get STD tests together that she asked if we could be monogamous. We gave it a shot and were content with that situation for all but the last three months of our relationship.

When she asked if we could go back to being polyamorous, I said Ok…because for all of my life, that had been the way that I was comfortable. It was different this time though. She had become all of my puzzle pieces and unraveling that deep connection proved to be extremely difficult for me. When I was being honest with myself and my anxiety, I was no longer comfortable with the idea of her being emotionally involved with other people. Was it because I knew that she had found someone more suited for her than I was?

Probably….Was it because I couldn’t find a way to work through my own jealousy? Definitely…Feelings of jealousy over other partners were something that I never had to deal with before. At 39 years old, the twinges in my gut of “not being enough,” reared their ugly head and unraveled my marriage.

But I was being honest with myself and thereby honest with her.

I’m no longer that twenty something sex freak who is OK with getting down with multiple partners at a kink party. My idea of a good, stable, sexually satisfying relationship have changed. That Evolution is my right, just as it is her right to change her mind about being monogamous with me.

In the Psychology Today article linked below, they discuss the five ways that you know if you’ve found, “The One.” I still don’t know that I agree with what they’ve come up with, but the do make mention of some concrete building blocks that are necessary in any relationship, whether it be platonic, romantic or sexual.

Trust, commitment, respect and communication echo throughout self-help books, but in all honest, that’s what you need. Having the ability to be your true self and being your own person are so very necessary. One of the things my ex feels I did was lie to her about the fact that I was OK with Polyamory. That betrayal ended up sealing the deal with our break up. The fact of the matter was that I WAS at one point in my life fine with it…but then I wasn’t. When I communicated that to her, it was already too late for us.

I’m working on healing while I’m concurrently building the foundation of my new relationship…it’s a rough thing to juggle but it’s possible.

Do you Peepz think that monogamy is possible or are you more on the Poly side of the fence? Let me know in the comments below or head over to twitter and chat me up over there. I’m always down to discuss relationships.

Source: Psychology Today

Image: Kymberlee Anne and Dolly Little in It’s a Nice Day for a White Lez Wedding by Brazzers

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Halle Berry Says She Can Bang

Rumors about celebrity sex prowess come out every now and then. Sometimes they’re fascinating. I can’t imagine Brad Pitt or Jason Mamoa being bad in bed. Mamoa especially. That guy is a powerful force with tons of good vibes radiating from him.

In a recent Cocktail with Queens episode,co-hosts Claudia Jordan,  McCoy, Vivica A. Fox, and Syleena Johnson were discussing the rumors that have been around the block about Halle Berry. Check out this clip from the show:

According to LisaRaye, there’s a rumor floating around that Halle Berry isn’t good in bed? pic.twitter.com/GOnEllCqC8

— theJasmineBRAND (@thejasminebrand) November 23, 2020

I mean, I think that’s just trash. There’s a theory I have about being able to dance and being able to fuck. If you can slowly grind your body to a beat, you can probably fuck. If rhythm isn’t something that you have a hard grasp on, there is a bigger chance that you’re going to have a hard time getting the in out/in out motion of penetrative sex down.

When Halle heard about LisaRae’s comment, she took to twitter in her own defense.

Ms. @TheRealLRaye1, ask my my man @vanhunt he’ll tell ya all y’all need ta know. https://t.co/ozoUtmFEH3

— Halle Berry (@halleberry) November 25, 2020

I think this may be another case of rumors being started to hold a black woman down. There’s no way you can tell me that Halle Berry doesn’t know what she’s doing when the lights start going down low and there’s some sexy music on.

Also…

Why should we even care about what a celebrity does in between the sheets? The sexual chemistry that exists between two (or more) people who are fucking is their own personal chemistry. I can tell you that I’ve had some really good sex in my life and I’ve had some very bad sex in my life. Some of my partners may have thought that I was bad in bed because my sexual desires didn’t align with theirs. You want to stick your monster cock up my butt? Nope…that’s not happening. That doesn’t mean that I’m not “good in bed,” that means that I don’t want my butthole stretched.

It’s a curiosity to know secrets while we’re still keeping a puritanical view of what’s happening in society as a whole. As much as I love the fact that Halle stood up for herself and was like, “Fuck you…my man knows what’s up,” there’s part of me that’s pissed because it’s none of my damn business.

Do you Peepz care about how celebrities have sex and whether they are good or not?

Source: Yahoo News

Image: Halle Berry Instagram

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The Volume of Your Sex

Most of the people I’ve fucked over the years have made comments about how loud I get when I’m getting fucked. I’m going to be heading back into apartment living soon, which means thinner walls…which means less noisy sex. Possibly…I have to make decision about whether or not I care about my neighbors knowing that I have an extremely active sexual appetite or not.

In my truest form, when there’s no one around but me and my vibrator, I’m moderately loud with my moaning during masturbation. There will be lots of gasping and heavy breathing of all sorts. I don’t dirty talk to myself, though I’ve tried it a few times. I save that creative side of myself for when I’ve got a partner in the room. When my new girlfriend and I had a conversation about how vocal I get, I realized that I tend to say a lot of the same things.

I don’t scream when I’m talking, but I will moan VERY loud when my pussy is being stretched to maximum capacity. If she’s got her fist wrist deep inside me, and I’m bent over with my head in a pillow, you’re still going to hear me begging her to penetrate me more/harder/deeper.

That’s the way I roll.

I like vocally communicating my pleasure with my partner while we’re in the midst of things. Some of my past lovers have hated it and gagged me to shut me up, but I think it’s all a form of sexual expression. Whether I’m dirty talking, moaning, or trying to keep my voice to a whisper because my ex wife is fucking her own girlfriend in the room next door, I think my volume depends on my audience.

Solo, I can just focus on the feelings that I’m providing myself with.

Partnered, I focus my attention on both the way that I am feeling and the way that my partner is reacting to the way that I’m reacting to them. My new girl doesn’t talk much, but when she’s about to cum her breath changes and she’ll let out a primal grunt of release. I love it. She doesn’t seem to love or hate the way I talk to her while we’re banging…but accepts my mood as it is.

Not having any expectations about how I’m supposed to “perform” in bed is a nice change of pace. My ex didn’t care much, but the men that I fucked in my past life definitely did. I think that’s where I developed my habit of dirty talking while I was getting off.

My question to you, my favorite Peepz, is…Do you talk dirty when you’re fucking? Do you moan at the top of your lungs and scream when you’re cumming? Or do you silently take your pleasure as it comes and keep the volume low?

Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter. I’d love to hear all about it.

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NYC Sex Club Busted

I love a good orgy just as much as the next pervert, but we’re in the middle of COVID, so now is probably not the right time to go sniffing around in the crotches of strangers getting fucked from behind. I mean, you could…but that’d be pretty reckless. Mask up so we can all get out of this hell, pretty please.

A sex club in Queens, New York was raided and shut down over the weekend because they threw a sex party and some of the neighbors called the cops. There were over 80 people at this party and current restrictions state that Queens is in a “yellow zone,” which means no more than 25 people can be in a business at any given time.

The company that hosted the party, Caligula, also did not have a liquor license and was selling boozy beverages to the attendees.

Here’s some pics from the inside of the sting operation:

11/22/20 @ 0005 HRS: Deputy Sheriffs shut down illegal bottle/swingers club @ 40-19 20th Avenue, Queens (Yellow Zone): 80+ people, violation of emergency orders, no liquor license, warehousing liquor, 2 organizers, 1 patron charged with multiple misdemeanors. pic.twitter.com/2eTp9oM6V1

— NYC SHERIFF (@NYCSHERIFF) November 22, 2020

I totally get that everyone has sexual needs and desires. This year has been a clusterfuck for everyone and a little bit of dirty fun to take your mind off of things may seem like it’s a good idea. It’s really not, my Peepz. I’ll preach about safer sex and STDs and getting yourself tested all day long. COVID may not be a sexually transmitted disease, but the same rules apply. You are worthy of being careful. That new hottie you’re looking to bang will still be there when all this shit is over (in like 2022 if some of y’all don’t start handling this shit right).

I really think that this year has given us all the opportunity to do so much self-sexual exploration. Does it suck to not be able to head out with your buddies to get a blowjob? Absolutely…but for now, we’ve all got to stay safe so we can live to fuck another day.

Source: The Gothamist

Image: Bella Rolland and Scarlit Scandal in Rough and Raunchy Group Fuck by Brazzers

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Fap Along with Harlot: Swallowing Spunk

Every week, I look forward to spending this particular time with you, my Peepz. I’ve got so much pent up sexual energy right now and I need to get it out. I’m hungry for some cum so I’m going to dive into some cum swallowing clips.

Are you ready to join me? I sure hope you are. The last thing you want is a disappointed Harlot hand selecting your masturbation material.

Grab your jizz towel to clean up after yourself…you’re going to be a complete mess by the time I’m done with you. Let’s Fap!

Is there anything sexier than a super hot, sloppy blowjob? Deepthroating is an art and these two ladies have been honing their skills for years. There’s some butthole tongue fucking all up in the mix too, just in case you were looking for an appetizer.

Victoria Cakes has a completely insatiable appetite for dick. She’s on the prowl and spitting poetry before the cocks line up for her to swallow. My favorite part of this clip is when she knocks some poor guy’s glasses off with her ass shaking.

Madison Keyz leaves nothing to the imagination. She wins the gloryhole deep throat challenge as far as I’m concerned. In this super short clip, she gulps down every drop of cum. I watched this one on repeat for a few minutes to make sure that I could rub one out to her hotness.

I’m completely hypnotized by the fact the boobs in this video do not stop bouncing around. The cumshot is amazing and this hottie drips it back out onto the dick and uses it as lube.

Alina Lopez wants to make sure that her friend doesn’t get caught with pot. She manhandles the admin when he catches the ladies with a bag of greenery to make sure that he keeps his mouth shut. The pop shot is classic…you’re going to love it.

That’s all for this week, Peepz. I hope you’ve enjoyed yourself as much as I did. If you’d like a Fap Along list of your very own, slide into my DMs on twitter and let me know what you’re looking for.

Image: Claudia Valentine in Swallow my Winning Tiger Sperm of Truth by Brazzers

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Ariana Grande’s Freakiest Track Yet

Have any of you reached the point in your life where you realized how out of touch you were with the newest hip lingo? Perhaps the fact that I strung the words, “newest, hip and lingo,” together made me seem a bit old…I guess I am.

The Cougar life for me, my Peepz.

Anyway, Ariana Grande came out with a new song and the video is fairly hot. Lyrically, she’s taking a deep dive into her sexual desires and making sure that no one forgets that she’s a sex kitten who is going to be satisfied, even if you use a ball gag on the mouth she uses to create these velvety vocals.

Her newest single off of her Positions album is called 34 + 35. I had no idea what that meant, so I used Ye Olde Internet Machine and discovered that 34+35=69…because the song is about sex…so that makes sense.

I enjoy learning new things as much as the next person, but this little factoid made me feel hella dumb for not knowing it beforehand.

Here’s the video that has me obsessing over Fem Bots this week:

My favorite set of lyrics are:

Baby you might need a seatbelt when I ride it,

Ima leave it open like a door, come inside it,

Even though I’m wifey, you can hit it like a side chick,

I don’t need no side dick, no

I mean…yes. All of that.

The first 17 times I listened to the song, I actually missed the very last thing she says, which is, “That means I want to 69 with you. Math class. Never was good.”

Had I actually listened to that line, I wouldn’t have felt as dumb when I learned about the 34+35 thing. Is this something that most perverse people already knew or is Ariana trying to make it fetch?

What do you Peepz think? Does this song put you in the mood to do a little bit of horizontal naked dancing? Let me know in the comments below or hit me up with that nasty talk over on twitter.

Source: NY Post

Image: Ariana Grande’s Instagram

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Sexual Wellness but Keep it Classy

I’m one of those people who is an absolute sucker for packaging. If you’re planning on selling me some useless nonsense, just put it in a fancy box with a cool font and I’ll be entranced. Celebrity endorsements don’t always get my attention…until, of course, they do.

Dakota Johnson, of 50 Shades of Grey fame, has teamed up with a sexual wellness brand called Maude and I’m here for it. In my never ending quest to normalize sex and being perverse, any celeb that’s going to step up to the plate and admit that sex is awesome and everyone should be masturbating is OK in my book.

When I went to Maude’s website to start investigating Dakota’s new venture into the world of feeling good, I was impressed. Well lit pictures and a sleek vibrator design made me slightly trigger happy with my credit card number. This is the type of brand that I can get behind.

Everything about this brand screams modern class to me. This isn’t a phallic looking monster cock by any means. From the neutral packaging of their condoms to the dark color of the glass they use to contain their lubes and candles, I’m so into it.

Speaking of which, I love the idea of their massage oil candles. It’s quintessential pain vs. pleasure stuff for sure.

Dakota says of Maude,  “The whole basis of Maude is to try to remind people that sexuality is such a fundamental part of being a human being—that it should be taken care of as such.” 

Loves it.

Completely loves it.

Sex is completely natural and there is nothing shameful about seeking pleasure, whether you’re going at it with a partner or all alone.

I ordered a trial size of Maude’s lube and it will be on the way to Casa de Harlot shortly. I’ll report back and let my fav Peepz know what I think about it. Maybe I’ll do a lube challenge of sorts and pit some of my all time favs against each other.

Source: Vanity Fair

Image: Maude

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Fantasy and Staying Focused

With life as per usual being as out of control as it is, my brain and my pussy are on separate paths. My masturbation time is less focused and my mind wanders frequently. Have you ever tried getting off to your very own to-do list? It’s infuriating.

When I’m with my girlfriend, I have to keep my eyes open in order to remain present in the moment. If I’m looking at her face and actually feeling the way that her body is coming into contact with mine, I’m good. But the second I close my lids, even if it’s because I’m about to roll into the ecstasy of an orgasm, I’ve got a million tasks in my brain waiting for me to begin.

Nothing is less sexy to me than realizing that I forgot to send a report over to my boss while I’m bent over and getting dicked down well.

I’ve been scouring the Internet for ways to become focused during sex, especially when I’m masturbating. Getting off seems like another one of the tasks that I’m ticking off, rather than a genuine self-love session like I used to experience. One of the things that I’ve discovered is Masturbation Meditation and I’ve been enjoying it for the the past week or so.

Having mindful sex will help you slow down, just like meditation does. When I’ve tried it, I’ve allowed the “outside thoughts” like what I’m going to be meal prepping for the week to come into my mind and then flow back out once I realize that I’m having them. Rather than “punishing,” myself for going side tracked, I take the thought, acknowledge it and then move on with my dirty fantasies. If the porn that I’m watching doesn’t contain what I’m in the mood for, I do some more searching, rather than just dealing with it.

I have also started setting a timer for myself. Because I cum so quickly (usually it only takes me about 5 minutes to reach my first orgasm) I give myself 20 whole minutes to experience my body. I start with an actual meditation, where I start at the bottoms of my feet and relax my body all the way up to the top of my head…and then I venture back down to my pussy to start exploring. Once the timer goes off, I grab my vibrator and I allow myself to actually orgasm.

I’ve really been enjoying these self-love dates with myself. They are helping me unwind from my hectic job and detach myself from the chaos of my personal life. There’s no doubt that 2020 has been a bat-shit crazy year, but I’m hoping that I’ll be able to continue making love to myself the way I am now, and keeping that focus going when I’m in bed with my lover.

Source: Cornell Sun

Image: Ana Foxxx in Handled with Care by Brazzers

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Fap Along with Harlot: Aryana Adin

The week is either over or just beginning, depending on how you look at it. Right now, I think I need to draw myself a bath and get into some hot water to enjoy my body. Before I go though all that trouble though, I think I want to get some clips locked and loaded so we can have a little bit of alone time together.

What do you think about that, Peepz?

This week, I figured I’d pull some clips that all star the beautiful curvy sex goddess, Aryana Adin. She will knock the lot of you out with her gorgeous ass and tits, but it’s how she fucks that really gets me going.

Are you ready to experience her love making skills with me? Let’s Fap!

This first video starts out with plenty of ass shaking. She takes on her co-star’s massive cock with no hesitation. I love how she arches her back when she’s sucking him off and taking every inch down the back of her throat.

You know how much I love a good pussy licking video, right? This video is definitely one that I’m going to keep coming back to. The ladies get to know each other very intimately while the cameras are rolling so that they can give us all a show.

Kitchen sex can be unexpected and such a great way to get the body going. Aryana manhandles the cock of Lil D and doesn’t come up for air until her pussy is completely satisfied.

Manuel Ferrara is one of my favorite male pornstars. He has been fucking for years and has always been one of the best dick slingers in the business. He gets his dick wet with Aryana’s sweet pussy and makes sure that we have a really good view of her huge boobs.

Aryana is a yoga instructor who knows all the best positions in this last Brazzers clip. She shows off her flexibility and gets her students to stretch every single one of their muscles, especially the pelvic floor.

That’s all for this round, Peepz. Don’t forget to clean up the huge mess that I’m sure you made. If you’d like a Fap Along list of your very own, let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter.

Image: Aryana Adin in Pop Up Cock by Brazzers

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Strapped Up Sex

I’ve got a legit rolling suitcase filled with Bad Dragon dicks hanging out in my bedroom right now, Peepz. The collection is growing and I’m loving every single inch of it. My favorite part of my girl strapping up is all of the different sensations that I get to feel.

Listen penis having Peepz, I’m not knocking what you’ve got hiding in your undies. Cocks have their place…it’s just not in my pussy anymore. What I want is some kind of monster piece that’s harnessed in and interchangeable. Sometimes I want my cervix to get beaten up, sometimes I want my G-spot to get rocked. Strap-on cocks and a willing partner help me achieve both of those goals.

Plus it’s sexy as fuck.

Yes lesbian sex fantasies are a “male gaze,” fantasy…but this is my real life. I thoroughly enjoy the way that my girl’s tits feel when she’s pounding me missionary and I’m reaching up for her nipples. When we’re naked and writhing around with each other, sometimes I think about how hot it would be to just watch us fucking as an outsider.

Her stroke is crazy good and when I’m not cumming like I’m possessed by a demon, I can keep up with her rhythm fairly well. It’s intense sex and I know that I say that about a lot of the women that I’ve been banging this year, but it’s the fucking truth. That’s why she’s a keeper.

I was scrolling through my newsfeed and someone posted the Yahoo article linked below. Six Queer people discuss why they love strap-on sex both as tops and bottoms. Most of them talk about how close you can get to your partner’s face when you’re fucking with a strap. The intimacy is very different than when you’re using your hands. Both are fine, I mean, I’ll never turn down a fist if the size is right, but being able have access to both of your hands while you’re giving such obvious pleasure to your partner is a great feeling.

Sometimes (just sometimes) I miss topping when it comes to this type of activity. It feels very powerful to be in control of the dick. I don’t really think that’s the patriarchy in my head talking. Maybe that’s just my way of saying that I enjoy wielding orgasms, but it’s how I feel. One of the people interviewed for the article says:

“I think people associate using a strap with mimicking heterosexuality/masculinity. Desiring penetration has nothing to do with sexuality or gender. It’s about pleasure.”

That’s what I’m talking about. I want to give pleasure. I want to receive pleasure. I want to experience all these amazingly intense feelings overwhelm my senses and drive me over the edge.

Source: Yahoo

Image: Whitney Wright and Gianna Dior in Gianna and Whitney’s Strap On Cam Show by Brazzers

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Sexual Attraction

Where does our sexual attraction come from?  What is it about specific people that make our stomachs do flip flops and turn our genitals into throbbing parts of our bodies?  For some people, it’s a specific body part (like boobs) but for others its a type of perfume that they wear.  For me?  It’s got to be the whole package. 

I knew that I was specifically attracted to women when In Living Color was airing episodes.  The Fly Girls drove me crazy.  I didn’t understand what I was feeling back then, but now I know that it was all about hormones and sexual energy coursing through my body.  If you take a look at my current lover, my ex wife and my girlfriend prior to marriage, You can definitely notice a rather butch physical mystique about them.  My ex wife is actually not at all butch, but her physical appearance will have others guessing differently.  

I’m a fan of great legs and fantastic personalities.  I also love tattooed skin and vulnerable hearts.  Kink, or at least the willingness to be kinky, is fairly high on that list too.  Mostly though, I love intelligence and being able to have conversations about random things. 

Sometimes I think that my sexual attraction has a lot to do with who I see myself as.  I get that sentence may come off as a bit narcissistic, but it’s the truth.  My friends are all very smart people.  Most of my partners are even more intelligent that I am because you literally are the company that you keep.  As much as I enjoy the look of a slinky femme woman in lingerie, physically I want the rugged woman who isn’t afraid to man-handle me into submission.  

Overtime, my tastes have definitely changed.  Back when I fancied myself bisexual, I was into needy men who happened to be overweight and unemployed.  I’m not sure why that kept happening, but it did.  I think that it was my maternal instinct kicking in…like I wanted to save them and prove to them that they were better than the world (including themselves) thought that they were. 

I want to talk to you a bit about what types of things you are sexually attracted to?  What really gets your blood flowing and keeps your body filled with desire?  

Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with your thoughts.  I can’t wait to hear what really gets you going.

Source: The Atlantic

Image: Sovereign Syre in Inexplicable Attraction by Brazzers

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Swinging Sex Party Tips

In days pre and post COVID, I enjoyed a healthy appetite of public sex and kink parties. While actual sex parties were never really my bag, I always appreciated the them. I’ve attending my fair share of orgies, but BDSM was where I got my rocks off. Zero shame to those of us who are into slutting it up behind closed doors with an intimate group of friends.

Women’s Health has a few tips for folks who are interested in attending such scandalous events so I wanted to drop that bit of knowledge on my favorite Peepz.

Setting my boundaries beforehand is really important to the experience, IMO. Do I feel like having a train run on me? Am I only looking for makeout partners? Is there a same sex encounter that I’m craving? Having a general idea of what I’m looking for always makes it much easier for me to focus on the task at hand. Walking into these situations without a clear boundary as far as what is Ok and what is not can make saying yes (or even no) to experience harder. Boundaries are healthy. Remember that.

Bringing a friend is usually a good idea too. When you’re walking into any kind of adult themed situation, whether it be a swinger’s party, BDSM club or even a kink convention, your senses can get completely overstimulated. Your partner/friend/lover/internet pal that you decide to bring with you can put your mind at ease and get you more comfortable with the scene at hand.

When you decide on who to bring with you to the party, have a conversation with them about some rules and expectations. Do you want you partner to stay by your side the whole time? If you want to have some alone time, maybe you come up with a code word beforehand to get some alone time without being obvious. Or you could be the type of communicator that says something like, “Listen, I wanna fuck that other person, so scram and find someone to bang on your own.”

I feel like that’s what I would say.

A toy bag is always my go to when I’m playing in public. As long as the place you’re going to allows it, having your very own toys on hand is the safest way to play when you’re getting down with accessories. Wrapping them up in condoms and being safer about the sex that you’re having (even if it’s with inanimate objects) is totally the way to go.

Knowing the rules of the event before you attend is SO IMPORTANT! Some places require safer sex practices at all times…that means condoms and dental dams for even partners who are fluid bound. Some places only allow a specific number of people in a fuck session at one time (to avoid mob scenes etc) but other places are totally fine with 100 guys wanking it around one greedy pussy.

In my opinion, the most important rule of any sex party situation is making sure that your STI tests are current. If you’re going to be banging multiple partners, you’re going to want to make sure you’ve got a clean screen under your belt. No one likes it when you bring crabs to a party.

Have you Peepz ever been to a sex party? What is one thing you wish someone had told you before you went? Let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with the dirty details.

Source: Women’s Health

Image: Powerbangers Part 5 by Brazzers

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Fap Along With Harlot: Nympho!

Peepz! My week has been so packed with meetings and nonsense. This whole time I’ve been thinking about how much I want to get fucked by each and every one of you. Can you imagine that? Everyone just lines up and gets a taste of the goods while we’re watching porn together?

I feel like a nympho right now…which is why I’ve decided to pull five clips from the Nympho Pornhub Channel to share with you. Are you ready for some fun? Grab your favorite jizz sock and let’s fap!

Scarlit Scandal lets us in on some of her favorite sexual positions (doggie and riding) before she strips down completely. Her puffy pussy looks so wet as she spreads her thighs and give the camera the view we’re craving.

Super hotties Ella Knox and Violet Myers  can barely contain their massive tits in their bikini tops. Most of this clip happens in a massive hot tub, so you know I’m all about it. The girls get their buttholes licked and fucked while they make out with each other in the water.

I think I may be enjoying this clips so much because there is so much oral happening. Stockings and long hair will get me going every single time, but it’s the way that Autumn Falls moans that totally drove me over the edge.

Fishnets, clear heels and pop art EVERYWHERE! There’s so much going on in the background of these videos that sometimes I forget to watch the penetration. Actually, that’s completely a lie. I’m watching every inch slide in and out of the sticky sweet holes, I promise.

Last up for our masturbation vacation is Vina Sky getting her holes banged out by a bearded man with a tongue ring. She keeps constant eye contact with the viewers at home, letting us know how much she enjoys showing off all her best angels.

That’s all for this week, Peepz. I hope that your craving for sex is satisfied….mine isn’t yet but I’ll wear myself out eventually.

If you’d like a Fap Along list of your very own, let me know in the comments below or slide into my DMs on twitter with your perverse requests.

Image: Molly Bennett in Nymphomania! by Brazzers

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It May Be Gay, But it’s Not Cheating!

I was reading through my new feed last night and I discovered the most amazing loophole (*cough* gloryhole *cough*). In the UK, there are only five reasons that you can file for divorce. Adultery is one of them, but it’s how it’s defined that fucked the heteronormative system right in the bumhole.

Because the law creators in the U.K. decided to be uber specific back in the 70s, they have this to contend with:

The term adultery has been defined within Dennis v Dennis^[2]as being ‘a voluntary act of sexual intercourse between the husband or wife and a third party of the opposite sex.’ 

Fuck the gay away, my Peepz. Tossing that man and a woman nonsense all up in your laws will give you plenty of trouble on the back end if you’re not careful. Why not just say sex? Probably because they were still thinking in the archaic sense of the word and felt the need to lay all their cards out on the table.

There’s now a parliamentary petition in the works to take out the words, “between a man and a woman,” so that divorce can be granted based on same sex affairs. Isabella Potesta, who began the petition, has stated:

Although there have been positive changes in recent years in terms of legalizing same-sex marriage and increasing rights for LGBTQ+ people, we’re still not at the end of achieving LGBTQ+ equality. The fact that the law specifically excludes same-sex conduct in matters of adultery is archaic and needs changing to represent the diversity of LGBTQ+ experiences and relationships.

I mean, sure? Why not!

Equal opportunity marriage for all…equal opportunity divorce based on cheating period.

Or everyone could be open and honest about their sexual desires with their partners and come clean with the fact that they’re thinking of getting it on with someone who happens to have a similar gender.

In the United States, we’re kind of lucky (you may never read that sentence from my fingertips again, just saying). All 50 states in the Union (and Washington D.C. as well) allow a No Contest Divorce. That basically means that if you wake up and want to break up, you can. No harm, no foul…all it costs is money and time.

Source: LGBTQ Nation

Image: Kortney Kane and Nina Mercedez in The History Of Lesbians by Brazzers

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Romantic Vs. Casual Sex

I had my tarot cards read a few weeks ago. She drew cards about heartbreak and new found passion. The woman said all the right things and pushed me in the right direction, but we disagreed about something fairly obvious.

“Are you giving yourself time to go through a slut phase?” she asked me.

“You mean all of my 20s and most of my 30s?”

“No…like, now. You’re going through a break up. Did you put your pussy back on the market or what?”

I definitely haven’t done that, but it’s because I don’t want to. Casual sex was how I got by for a large portion of my life. It was my complete identity and I loved every moment of that time. Now though? I’m way too busy with work and “adulting” to mess around with keeping track of multiple relationships. I’m so focused on myself and my own goals that having multiple partners for casual sex doesn’t make sense for me.

I’m a, “reformed-poly-turned-monogamous, yet still the biggest freak you’ll ever meet in the bedroom,” type of gal. I’m ok with that.

One of the things that I’m enjoying about my new relationship is the romance. It wasn’t something that I ever REALLY got to experience in my lifetime. I always said that I was going to save having a MMF threesome as my mid-life crisis fantasy. Now I’m realizing that it’s quite the opposite.

I want to be wined and dined with candle light…The fact that all that candle wax is going to end up on my tits by the time that things are through is proof enough to me that I’m still the same person I’ve always been, just different.

I totally think it’s very important to have a slutty streak where you experiment with your body and having multiple partners. There is zero shame in being polyamorous and loving as many people as you possibly can at one time. I don’t regret any of that life, I’m recognizing my own wants and desires at this point, rather than pushing them down and ignoring them.

Being young and having the ability to separate the physical act of sex from the emotional act of sex gave me so much. Now though? I’m ready for something different and similar all at the same time. I want the consistency of a really good partner who can fuck me to the edge of my own sanity while still holding my hand while we walk down the street. I’m looking for doors to be opened and a hand on my thigh while she’s driving us to a surprise date location.

It’s not all that different, it’s just with one person instead of many.

Source: Psy Post

Image: Kelly Madison in Driving Mrs. Madison Wild by Brazzers

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Stroke the Vote U.S.A.

I take my civic duty of voting fairly seriously. For the first half of my voting eligibility, I did not. I’ll fully admit that I didn’t think that my vote mattered when I was in my 20s. Now that I’m of Cougar age though, I see things very differently.

In order to remind and persuade their viewers to head out to the poles, Brazzers has come up with a campaign called Stroke the Vote and many of our favorite adult performers are giving you some very hands on advice about Americans and exercising their right to vote.

Brazzers has decided to shut down their entire site from 5PM-8PM on November 3, 2020…that’s today, Peepz. While there are definitely a lot of other places that you will be able to view your porn on the Pornhub Network during that time, you’ve got to respect Brazzers for taking one for the team in order to get their message out.

Speaking of getting the message out, here are Joanna Angel and Small Hands doing just that:

View this post on Instagram

We voted. #strokethevote @brazzersofficial @thesmallhands_

A post shared by Joanna Angel (@joannaangel) on Oct 24, 2020 at 2:29pm PDT

And here’s fan favorite Phoenix Marie and Alexis Fawx getting their pole time in:

View this post on Instagram

It’s time to Vote!! #StrokeTheVote @alexisfawxlive @brazzersofficial #lifting

A post shared by Phoenix Marie (@phxsquadron) on Oct 14, 2020 at 1:33pm PDT

I know the world outside of the United States is probably VERY tired of hearing all the ruckus that’s been happening politically around here lately. While I’m sure that it isn’t going to end tomorrow, I think it’s fairly important that we all take a minute to breathe. My house is going to be quiet when I get home from work tomorrow night. I’m not going to stay up late like I did on 2016 just to hear election results that aren’t fully reconciled. I plan on eating dinner, doing some yoga and then meditating for as long as I possibly can because that is what is going to keep me calm.

View this post on Instagram

VOTE! #StrokeTheVote

A post shared by Brazzers (@brazzersofficial) on Oct 31, 2020 at 9:00am PDT

Source and Image: AVN

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Punctuation As Weapon: The Undermining ‘Air-Quote’

Whether crafting an article, headline, or a mere blurb, writers and editors make choices which profoundly affect the way their work is read. Even something as minor as a couple apostrophes used as ‘air quotes’ can alter the tone and meaning of a statement, introducing doubt and skepticism just as effectively as dozens of words used for the same effect.

For example, if I refer to The Sun as a newspaper, it has a completely different impact than if I refer to it as a ‘newspaper.’ The former is neutral; the latter suggests I’m skeptical as to whether the publication really deserves to be honored with such a description.

You know what? In this instance, let’s go ahead and run with describing the Sun as a ‘newspaper.’

It’s Not A Quote Unless Someone Actually Said It
Granted, the Sun is probably most aptly described as a ‘tabloid,’ a journalistic life form which falls somewhere between a gossip column and your full-of-shit cousin’s Facebook posts.

Still, even in the context of gossip, there’s no call for undermining the subject of your article by using air quotes to visibly undermine – or even mock – the way in which that person choses to describe herself.

That’s exactly what the Sun did to Vex Ashley, however, when writing about an upcoming workshop the performer is going to conduct at the Centre for Contemporary Arts in Glasgow.

“SEXED UP ART FEST,” the beginning of the headline screams in all caps. “Free porn workshop in Glasgow’s CCA hosted by ‘ethical’ adult entertainer Vex Ashley and funded by taxpayer sparks outrage” reads the rest.

If one feels like being charitable, you can explain away the fact ‘ethical’ appears in single-quotes by saying it was done this way simply to emphasize someone is being quoted. If that were the case, however, you’d expect the quote to be attributed to someone eventually, which this ‘quote’ never is in the article. (My assumption is Ashley has described herself as ethical in the past, but the Sun does nothing to confirm or contradict this assumption on my part, so who knows.)

The headline isn’t the only place the term is rendered as ‘ethical,’ either; it also appears thus in the first line of the story and the tag for the top photo of Ashley.

To Find Balance, Keep Scrolling…. And Scrolling
The article follows its diminishing reference to Ashley’s ‘ethical’ nature with a quote from Member of the Scottish Parliament Rhoda Grant, who takes Justice Potter Stewart’s old “I know it when I see it” porn definition a bit further.

“There are very clear lines about what is pornography and what can be artistic,” Grant said. “I’m a little puzzled as to why Creative Scotland are funding this. If the Government are clear that sexual exploitation and pornography are linked to violence against women, why is the public purse funding it?”

Gosh, Rhoda; maybe it’s because the lines between porn and art aren’t quite as clear as you see them to be? Nah, it must be that the Scottish government is in favor of exploitation of and violence against women.

Beneath Grant’s comments are a block of “read more” links, followed by more of Grant’s thoughts on the perils of porn, followed by a link to a video and a photo of Centre for Contemporary Arts in Glasgow. Only after that do we start to get any comments in defense of Ashley and the CCA’s decision to fund her workshop.

In my view, this formatting is no accident. I suspect the editors of the Sun know full well most readers don’t get too far past the headlines, much less read all the way to the bottom of an article which is surrounded by other salacious, screaming headlines like “VICIOUS ATTACK BY ANIMALS” and “HE HAS NO CLASS” and “SHAMPOO SCARE.”

By the time we get to anyone bothering to speak up on Ashley’s behalf, I figure most readers have veered off into clickbait land, where they’re probably still trying to figure out how they wound up looking at a slideshow of celebrity plastic surgery disasters, or reading a bit of ‘sponsored content’ about miracle facial cream – which was, by amazing geo-targeted coincidence, invented by a ‘mom’ who happens to live in the same city as the reader(s) in question.

What the article doesn’t include, perhaps not surprisingly, is any response from Ashley herself, or any indication the publication even tried to secure such for the article. For that matter, other than Grant’s (really rather measured) comments, there’s not much evidence of the alleged “outrage” supposedly sparked by the CCA’s decision to fund Ashley’s workshop, either.

All in all, a very ‘ethical’ display by this ‘news’ website, don’t you think?

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