In my twenties and thirties, I wrestled with the idea of finding one singular person that I could connect with. As much as society told me that I “needed to,” find one partner to satisfy me mentally, physically and emotionally, what I came up with were more like puzzle pieces. One person would have chemistry with me in bed, another person would get me mentally and then a completely different person would come up with a way to meet my emotional needs. Polyamory seemed to be the way that I could fit all of these people in my life without having the guilt that monogamy forced upon me.
Eight years ago, I ended my last polyamorous relationship when my ex broke my cardinal rule of always having safer sex with his partners. At the time, my girlfriend (who later became my wife) was so freaked out because we had to get STD tests together that she asked if we could be monogamous. We gave it a shot and were content with that situation for all but the last three months of our relationship.
When she asked if we could go back to being polyamorous, I said Ok…because for all of my life, that had been the way that I was comfortable. It was different this time though. She had become all of my puzzle pieces and unraveling that deep connection proved to be extremely difficult for me. When I was being honest with myself and my anxiety, I was no longer comfortable with the idea of her being emotionally involved with other people. Was it because I knew that she had found someone more suited for her than I was?
Probably….Was it because I couldn’t find a way to work through my own jealousy? Definitely…Feelings of jealousy over other partners were something that I never had to deal with before. At 39 years old, the twinges in my gut of “not being enough,” reared their ugly head and unraveled my marriage.
But I was being honest with myself and thereby honest with her.
I’m no longer that twenty something sex freak who is OK with getting down with multiple partners at a kink party. My idea of a good, stable, sexually satisfying relationship have changed. That Evolution is my right, just as it is her right to change her mind about being monogamous with me.
In the Psychology Today article linked below, they discuss the five ways that you know if you’ve found, “The One.” I still don’t know that I agree with what they’ve come up with, but the do make mention of some concrete building blocks that are necessary in any relationship, whether it be platonic, romantic or sexual.
Trust, commitment, respect and communication echo throughout self-help books, but in all honest, that’s what you need. Having the ability to be your true self and being your own person are so very necessary. One of the things my ex feels I did was lie to her about the fact that I was OK with Polyamory. That betrayal ended up sealing the deal with our break up. The fact of the matter was that I WAS at one point in my life fine with it…but then I wasn’t. When I communicated that to her, it was already too late for us.
I’m working on healing while I’m concurrently building the foundation of my new relationship…it’s a rough thing to juggle but it’s possible.
Do you Peepz think that monogamy is possible or are you more on the Poly side of the fence? Let me know in the comments below or head over to twitter and chat me up over there. I’m always down to discuss relationships.
Source: Psychology Today
Image: Kymberlee Anne and Dolly Little in It’s a Nice Day for a White Lez Wedding by Brazzers
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