This has been bugging me a while now. This ‘hookup culture’ that seems to be the new way people have sex these days – especially in colleges in the US. Because you know, women are just so sexually open and active now, and we want sex as much as men and we too can fuck like men. But every time I read about it, or listen to someone talk about it, something tightens in my stomach.
I’m not saying that women don’t like sex. Or that we don’t want casual sex. I’ve met enough women to know what we love – myself included. I also know that we can’t judge what kind of sex women want. Some are into a quick shag with a stranger, some want relationships, some want a little connection first, all kinds. It takes all kinds. Everyone is different, there is no right or wrong.
But I was reading an article on Salon and it kinda made me sad. Because the women they’re talking to and about don’t seem be having enjoyable, empowered sex. They seem to be having sex as they were conditioned to, without feeling, attachment and expectation. And most importantly, without connection.
Not all sex has to be life changing, connections.No far from it. And yes, we’ll all make our mistakes when it comes to sex. It’s part of life. But if you grow up thinking that this is as good as it gets as a woman when it comes to sex, girl, it’s fucking depressing. Somehow while fighting for our right to fuck, we took a slight left and went off road to some street where we think that caring is a sign of weakness.
Now I don’t want to seem like I’m on some high sexuality horse, judging everyone else. It took me years to get here, but that is because my past is a product of this type of thinking. For the longest time I thought, to be the ‘cool girl’ I had to be able to hang with the guys, crack sexist jokes like I don’t care and have sex like a man. The best compliment someone could pay me was, “Wow, you’re just like a guy! But you’re a woman!” As if to say, “wow you have a woman’s body but instead of the usual crazy that comes with a woman, you’re cool like a man!”
Thinking back, that’s such a fucking insult. When I started to take more charge of my own sexuality, I slowly met men who were interested in making me orgasm, in my pleasure as well as theirs (as opposed to just their pleasure). I learned to slow down. I learned that it took me time (and concentration) before I could orgasm. I learned that there is nothing wrong with me if I don’t get a vaginal orgasm.
I totally get the need to be seen as cool and chilled, especially when everyone else seems that way too. So I’m not judging these women. No siree. I do hope however that we can change the conversation. That we can somehow veer back on to the road we were originally on. The one that women can have lots of sex – like women. Not like men. With feeling if she wants. Or without, if she wants. With respect. Without fear that she will seen as clingy and needy. So that she can enjoy sex from the very beginning, and not just when she fights to take charge of her sexuality.
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