Sex News: Pornstar Dating Rules, Balls Contest, & Happy Endings

• ‘Don’t ask us to give you lap dances': Porn star shares her cardinal rules for dating a sex worker, as she insists they deserve as much respect as white-collar professionals (Daily Mail)

‘There are a few rules for dating a sex worker,’ writes Andre [Shakti], sharing: ‘Don’t compromise their cash flow by driving away their business; never out them to other people without their consent; and don’t expect them to eagerly perform activities they normally get paid to do for free.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Porn star Andre Shakti wrote an op ed for Cosmo detailing what it’s like to date as a sex worker. I think one of the things most people have to keep in mind is that for some performers their porn persona is drastically different than their real life identity, so if you’re dating them in real life you should remember not to treat them like they’re in a porno.

• The First-Ever Scrotal Beauty Contest Is Happening And Winner Gets $10,000 (Unilad)

[T]he Scrotum Beauty Pageant is apparently legit and he’s offering the bloke with the most terrific testes the chance to win $10,000 (£6,543). What a load of bollocks! But apparently, he’s totally serious – with a video confirming the competition will be taking place. Once you listen to the video, it’s clear that he plans to spend a huge amount of the scrotum project, but who knows why.

What are you waiting for? Take a picture of your nut sacks and submit a pic already!

• Masseuse Denied Client “Happy Ending,” So He Took Matters Into His Own Hands, Cops Say (The Smoking Gun)

After being denied a “happy ending” at a South Carolina massage business, an aggrieved customer took matters into his own hands, according to cops who are searching for the sexual exposure suspect.

As detailed in a police report, the suspect received a $68 massage and a $20 “table shower” Saturday evening at Tai Chi Massage in Myrtle Beach.

At the conclusion of the treatment, the man asked a masseuse for a “happy ending.” The employee, cops noted, was “unsure of what that meant,” so the suspect “made a stroking/masturbating motion with his hand near his genital area.”

When a “happy ending” was not forthcoming, the man “got upset, put his clothes on” and walked into the lobby of the massage business. The suspect then sat on a bench and “pulled his penis out” and began masturbating in front of the masseuse.

The man demanded that the victim look at him while “he was conducting the sexual act and stated that he wanted a ‘happy ending,’”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To top it all off, the dude didn’t even pay for his massage. What’s a jerk face! I have a friend who’s a masseuse and although it doesn’t happen often there’s always some douche who thinks it’s appropriate to hit on their massage therapist. If you want a happy ending so bad, make sure you’re going to a legit erotic massage parlor.

Image: Samantha Ryan  & Ramon in I Want My Massage Now by Brazzers

Follow Lola Byrd on Twitter @misslolabyrd

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Monday Morning Jerk Before Work: Kissa Sins Has A Nice Butt

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Miley Cyrus Pubes & Strap-on Terry Richardson Outtakes!

Nothing Miley Cyrus does is very shocking to me, but that has more to do with the fact that I’m pretty open minded and I’ve seen a lot of disturbing shit in my day. That said, if I showed these pics to my Mom I’m pretty sure she would hit me up the head and scream at me to stop showing her porn. Then I would have to explain to her who Miley Cyrus is, who Terry Richard is, and that this photoshoot was for a good ol’ fashioned magazine.

It would be easy to call this photoshoot part of some crazy antics to get far away as possible from Miley’s Hannah Montana days, but I think we can safely say that Miley’s Disney image is long dead, so what are we left with? Maybe this isn’t a show, maybe this is just Miley being Miley.

If you look at these photographs beyond their initial shock value you’re left with some important symbolism. It wasn’t too long ago that for a woman to have body hair was considered a major faux pas. Hell, some people still find pubes disgusting let alone armpit hair, but in the last few years we’ve seen a shift happen and when women Miley’s age sport body hair they’re often doing it as a political statement.

Beyond that, however, it has also become part of what is considered sexually attractive. Comedian Rob Delaney once said that he loves hairy armpits, because they look like vaginas and it’s like a little preview of what you’ll get to see if you ever have the pleasure of seeing that person naked.

Another issue that has become politically and socially important over the last few years is the idea of socially constructed gender roles. We’re born with a certain set of genitals and from that moment on society imposes upon us a specific gender, but the entire concept is a construct that in reality has nothing to do with what’s between our legs.

It’s amazing to see someone with a large fan base like Miley Cyrus get involved in gender politics, feminism, queer and trans* rights, and the sex positive movement. You might not like the way she’s doing it, but you can’t argue with the intentions behind it all.

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Fap Along With Harlot: Dinner’s On The Table

What’s my favorite thing to eat?

Pussy.

Where’s my favorite place to eat it?

At the dining room table.

Well, I mean, not really…but sex in places where you’re not “supposed” to have sex is pretty fucking hot. Since we’re celebrating Thanksgiving this week, I figured I’d compile a list of some of the hottest sex sessions to ever hit the dining room….now that’ll give you something crazy to picture while you’re getting stuffed…with food…if you happen to be American. If you’re not from the U.S. of A….Just grab your lube and enjoy the porno.

First up, a sex MILF bent over and taking a super long cock to the hilt. Her pink snatch gapes for this guy after he’s plowed her for a few minutes.

After a few glasses of wine, this sexy BBW is soaking wet and ready for pleasure…She plays with herself at first, but then her big boobs become the main course for some titty fucking. I love how they slap together when she goes in for a long ride.

Amateur sex is hot as fuck because it’s totally real. With this Young Libertines clip, a smoking hot couple gets it on in the kitchen and they defile the whole thing with their cum. Her moaning is out of this world hot and he nearly fucks the table across the room.

Ladies only for this next clip! When a lunch date turns into a make out session, things get super steamy. Two cute babes with tomato slice nipples? That’s totally my style (don’t judge me, it’s hot…just keep the mayo away from me cause that’s nasty #standards).

I really love Mr. Pete. He knows exactly how to hit all the right spots and fuck a woman like she wants to be fucked. In this SweetSinner clip, he’s paired up with April O’Neil and they’re getting down to business on the table, on the floor, under the table…where ever the fucking takes them.

I hope you came right along with me…Remember to stuff yourself with leftovers and have a celebratory fap before bed to make some room for more cum.

If you’d like a Fap Along list of your own, hit me up on twitter or in the comments below!

Image: Richelle Ryan in A Roof, A Hot Meal and A Pair of Jumbos by Brazzers

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Victoria’s Secret Angels Nude In Artsy Black & White Photoshoot

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Now This A Porn Video I MUST See!

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

If you’re a passionate reader, then you’ve likely encountered the phenomenon of the book so good, you can’t bring yourself to put it down. One night, you crack the thing at 8pm, and before you know it, it’s 2 in the morning and even though you’re about to pass out from exhaustion, you think “OK, maybe just one more chapter.”

As much as I like porn, I must admit I’ve never really experienced the same sort of compulsion to finish a porn flick – probably because I’m typically “finished” long before the movie is, if you catch my drift. (And in case you don’t catch said drift, that was me yet again openly referring to my penchant for masturbating to porn; just deal with it.)

I’d really like to experience this sort of “page-turner” feeling with porn, though, which is why I’m so keen to find out what porn move this guy was watching.

On This We Can All Agree: It Had To Have Been ‘Hot’

First, let’s consider the known facts: An unidentified 33 year-old man was found ensconced in a video viewing booth (or “video cabin” as they are known in Germany, evidently), by firefighters responding to a blaze at the Sexy Angel adult shop in Hamburg. Despite the ongoing conflagration which surrounded him, this fellow was so engaged in the movie he was watching, he reportedly shouted he didn’t want to leave until the movie ended.

“He only came out after my men broke down the door,” Hamburg fire department spokesman Martin Scheider told the German media, adding that the man was in a “state of arousal” as first responders literally dragged him away from the burning building.

While it’s easy to make fun of the unnamed patron and his apparent lack of instinct for self-preservation, as a porn connoisseur, I’m more interested in learning precisely what the Almost-Burning Man was viewing when the lick of flames quite rudely interrupted the licking of dicks (or whatever). Sadly, no report I’ve found has even speculated where this crucial detail of the story is concerned, which means it’s up to me to take up the challenge.

At the risk of stereotyping our highly committed-to-porn-viewing German friend, I’m going to guess the video in question was something unusual, possibly involving watersports, some sort of sausage fetish and plenty of lederhosen.

Or Maybe He’s Just A HUGE Fan of Aileen Taylor

Another possibility, of course, is it wasn’t so much the sex acts but an individual performer who has so thoroughly captured this man’s fancy. And while there’s no reason to assume she (or he) is necessarily a German porn star, it probably makes sense to start with locals and work our way out from Bavaria to the rest of the broader porn universe.

Ana Nova, Annette Schwarz, Amy Reid – there are just so many possibilities among German performers, some of whom presumably don’t have names which start with “A,” but to determine this fact definitively would require me to click through to the next page of German stars listed on some free porn site I just found, and doing that is far too likely to spawn eight billion console windows and reduce my laptop to a glorified paperweight.

Among German male porn stars, although there’s an apparent preference for the letter “J,” (as in Jan Fischer and Jason Hawke), my money is on Logan McCree, because he has a tattooed penis, and in my experience, nothing keeps a man standing inside a burning building like the opportunity to stare at a tattooed cock.

Other Than That, Mrs. Lincoln….

Beyond the identity of both the porn fan and the movie he was watching at the time of the incident, there are other important details which have been unfortunately omitted from German media coverage.

For starters, I’d like to know whether the man asked for his money back, and if so, if he was issued a refund. Either way, is there any manner of disclaimer posted in the ticket office, or perhaps printed on the ticket itself, stating that the ticket-bearer agrees to indemnify Sexy Angel against loss, fire or acts of an angry, vengeful, anti-porn God?

And, of course, we can’t very well have a discussion about a burning movie theater without asking whether at any point the nearly-incinerated patron, or any other moviegoer, ever shouted “Fire!” at any point during the incident – and if he did, whether this act is permissible under German law, possibly due to some sort of clause which creates an exception for shouting such in crowded theaters which really are on fire.

In addition to raising these and other questions, this incident begs for proactive preventative measures to reduce the risk of future smoke-damaged porn patrons.
Maybe this is another major issue facing us which Donald Trump could expertly address if he’s elected – preferably without building new, impassable walls inside all of America’s remaining adult shops.

Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:

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Telling A Stripper She Needs To Lose Weight Is Dangerous Business

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t normally condone violence, but if you tell a stripper she needs to lose weight, you deserve to get hit upside the head. If you’ve ever worked a job in the service industry you know that dealing with people day in and day out is it’s own kind of special hell. Now, imagine that instead of faking a grin when some asshole is yelling at you because you put 2% milk in his coffee instead of skim you have to pretend to like it when you’re naked and some asshole is yelling at you because he thinks your should switch to skim instead of 2% milk.

I want to hit him just looking at this picture.

Does that tattoo say family?

Dante forgot about that special circle of hell when he wrote the Inferno. Someone should do a rewrite and when they do they should keep in mind the antics of one Kyle Yeomans. Kyle, a 23-year-old from Myrtle Beach, was hit about the head a few times after he told a stripper that she should lose a couples pounds and hit the gym more often. I’m surprised he left Derriere’s Gentlemen’s Club in one piece.

According to Kyle (a.k.a. douche face), he was drunk off his ass the night the incident happened. He told the cops that his level of intoxication was “an 11 out of 10,” so you can imagine how pleasant he must have been when he told a stripper who he felt was being annoying that she should go to the gym and lose weight.

The stripper, a white female with long black hair who is estimated to weigh between 115 and 120 pounds and be no more than 25 years old, allegedly reached out from the stage and struck Yeomans 4 times in the face. Kyle was then dragged out of the strip club by bouncers who were according to the family man “unnecessarily rough” with him. Only in Florida.

Via thesmokinggun.com – Follow Lola Byrd on Twitter @misslolabyrd

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Donald Trump Is Made Of 500 Dicks!

Donald Trump is a dick. Donald Trump is a bag of dicks. Donald Trump is a photo mosaic made of 500 dicks. I hope Donald Trump dies chocking on a dick. Donald Trump is the worst person in the world with a dick and he’s probably the reincarnation of Hitler.

Someone once made a photo mosaic pic of conservative republican politician Rick Santorum using porn images. I thought I’d go one better, in lieu of SNL letting him host last night. I give you a pic showing what Donald Trump is really made of. This is a high-resolution photo mosaic of Trump made with 500 dick pics.

Click for larger image.

Ugh, I can’t believe SNL got him to host an episode. So gross. Donald Trump is a disgusting human being who makes sexual jokes about dating his daughter, ’cause she’s hot and he dates chicks her age anyway. He’s also really mean, especially to Rosie O’Donnell and what did Rosie O’Donnell ever do to anyone?! Nothing, that’s what. Unless, you count the classic that is Exit to Eden.

The fact that Donald Trump has been able to get this far in the presidential race without being laughed off the planet is the number one sign that the Apocalypse is nigh. Donald Trump is a dick and I hope he prints this photo mosaic and chokes on it.

Via thefrisky.com – Follow Lola Byrd on Twitter @misslolabyrd

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#TBT: Catching The Light By Shuji Kobayashi (2014)

According to Tokyo based photographer Shuji Kobayashi the essence of a good photograph is to: “Grab one’s attention, draw one’s heart into the picture, and leave something in one’s mind. Do not care about the cost. Not about the concept. Not about technique. Not about the equipments. Certainly not about who is in the picture.”

More than that, however, Kobayashi is concerned with capturing the inherent beauty of light. He aims to frame the sensual and quiet moments his models experience in front of the camera with light as seen through his filter.

It’s hard, dirty work, but someone has to do it!

Clearly, the dude is on to something, because his photographs are infused with a magical sensibility that evokes dreams of waking up in a parallel universe where the existence of fairies is an undisputed reality. Because, obviously, Kobayashi sprinkles his models with fairy dust before capturing their essence for prosperity. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Or, you know, maybe the dude learned some photographic skills and he has applied those skills to his art. I suppose waiting for the right time of day and living in a dope apartment with great windows is also key to this whole “catching the light” scheme. Although, his whole quip about not caring about who is in the picture is a little harsh. Beautiful models who bare their soul and their boobies for the camera deserve our tender lover and care. That is all.

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