Now This A Porn Video I MUST See!

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

If you’re a passionate reader, then you’ve likely encountered the phenomenon of the book so good, you can’t bring yourself to put it down. One night, you crack the thing at 8pm, and before you know it, it’s 2 in the morning and even though you’re about to pass out from exhaustion, you think “OK, maybe just one more chapter.”

As much as I like porn, I must admit I’ve never really experienced the same sort of compulsion to finish a porn flick – probably because I’m typically “finished” long before the movie is, if you catch my drift. (And in case you don’t catch said drift, that was me yet again openly referring to my penchant for masturbating to porn; just deal with it.)

I’d really like to experience this sort of “page-turner” feeling with porn, though, which is why I’m so keen to find out what porn move this guy was watching.

On This We Can All Agree: It Had To Have Been ‘Hot’

First, let’s consider the known facts: An unidentified 33 year-old man was found ensconced in a video viewing booth (or “video cabin” as they are known in Germany, evidently), by firefighters responding to a blaze at the Sexy Angel adult shop in Hamburg. Despite the ongoing conflagration which surrounded him, this fellow was so engaged in the movie he was watching, he reportedly shouted he didn’t want to leave until the movie ended.

“He only came out after my men broke down the door,” Hamburg fire department spokesman Martin Scheider told the German media, adding that the man was in a “state of arousal” as first responders literally dragged him away from the burning building.

While it’s easy to make fun of the unnamed patron and his apparent lack of instinct for self-preservation, as a porn connoisseur, I’m more interested in learning precisely what the Almost-Burning Man was viewing when the lick of flames quite rudely interrupted the licking of dicks (or whatever). Sadly, no report I’ve found has even speculated where this crucial detail of the story is concerned, which means it’s up to me to take up the challenge.

At the risk of stereotyping our highly committed-to-porn-viewing German friend, I’m going to guess the video in question was something unusual, possibly involving watersports, some sort of sausage fetish and plenty of lederhosen.

Or Maybe He’s Just A HUGE Fan of Aileen Taylor

Another possibility, of course, is it wasn’t so much the sex acts but an individual performer who has so thoroughly captured this man’s fancy. And while there’s no reason to assume she (or he) is necessarily a German porn star, it probably makes sense to start with locals and work our way out from Bavaria to the rest of the broader porn universe.

Ana Nova, Annette Schwarz, Amy Reid – there are just so many possibilities among German performers, some of whom presumably don’t have names which start with “A,” but to determine this fact definitively would require me to click through to the next page of German stars listed on some free porn site I just found, and doing that is far too likely to spawn eight billion console windows and reduce my laptop to a glorified paperweight.

Among German male porn stars, although there’s an apparent preference for the letter “J,” (as in Jan Fischer and Jason Hawke), my money is on Logan McCree, because he has a tattooed penis, and in my experience, nothing keeps a man standing inside a burning building like the opportunity to stare at a tattooed cock.

Other Than That, Mrs. Lincoln….

Beyond the identity of both the porn fan and the movie he was watching at the time of the incident, there are other important details which have been unfortunately omitted from German media coverage.

For starters, I’d like to know whether the man asked for his money back, and if so, if he was issued a refund. Either way, is there any manner of disclaimer posted in the ticket office, or perhaps printed on the ticket itself, stating that the ticket-bearer agrees to indemnify Sexy Angel against loss, fire or acts of an angry, vengeful, anti-porn God?

And, of course, we can’t very well have a discussion about a burning movie theater without asking whether at any point the nearly-incinerated patron, or any other moviegoer, ever shouted “Fire!” at any point during the incident – and if he did, whether this act is permissible under German law, possibly due to some sort of clause which creates an exception for shouting such in crowded theaters which really are on fire.

In addition to raising these and other questions, this incident begs for proactive preventative measures to reduce the risk of future smoke-damaged porn patrons.
Maybe this is another major issue facing us which Donald Trump could expertly address if he’s elected – preferably without building new, impassable walls inside all of America’s remaining adult shops.

Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:

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