A few years ago, Cracked.com published a post entitled The 5 Worst Ways Modern People Think About Sex, and while I tend to agree with much of what the post says, the observations also invite another question in response: “How should people think about sex?” Are there 5 best ways to think about sex?
According to Cracked, we shouldn’t think of sex as an identity, a weapon, a chore, a victory or a sin – but the post never really suggests a ‘correct’ way to think about sex, or even a less-than-worst way for us to think about it.
I suspect there’s any number of reasons why the Cracked post stops short of weighing in as to the better ways to think about sex – starting with the fact that it’s always considerably easier (and more fun) to find fault with things that other people do than it is to offer people a better course of action. It’s also true that as I sit here pondering my own question, I’m not having much luck answering it, myself.
I suppose some would say that the right way to look at sex is as an expression of love for your partner, but that’s definitely not the way I look back on some of the most enjoyable and thrilling sex that I’ve had in my life, because some of that sex was with men who I didn’t really think too highly of as people, quite honestly, let alone “love.” This was Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom sex; it was “passionate” in a sense, sure, but that passion wasn’t informed by love, it was informed by raw, lustful desire that was very much rooted in physical attraction, and not a spiritual or emotional connection of any kind.
When it comes right down to it, the way I “think about sex” varies pretty wildly from encounter to encounter, and partner to partner. With my husband, it started out as a true joy, a real treat that I indulged in regularly, often multiple times per day. As we’ve grown older and more familiar with each other, I must admit, that sense of “chore” that Cracked warns us about has crept into my thinking. (In my defense, it’s just plain more pleasurable aesthetically to have sex while looking up at a firm six pack of abs than it is to be looking at the spot where the hard six pack used to be and seeing a soft, bulging duffle bag filled with empty beer cans, if you catch my drift….)
The more I churn this question over in my brain, the more obvious it seems that the “right” way to think about sex is the way that leaves you being honest with yourself and with your partner(s) – even if that way of thinking is one of the five worst ways to think about it by Cracked’s reckoning.
Look at this way: If you are someone’s sexual conquest for the evening, and that’s all you will ever mean to them, wouldn’t you rather know that before they put their penis inside of you, rather than after they haven’t returned your calls for a week? By the same token, if the guy you’re attracted to views sex as some manner of mortal sin, or as something that he’s otherwise deeply conflicted about, wouldn’t you prefer to be aware of that fact before you accidently adopt the mantle of Ms. Temptress Most Foul in his personal scorebook of sin?
Put another way, even if you believe there’s a “right” way to think about sex, do you think it would help you to force yourself to think that way, if it really isn’t what you believe? Could such a feat of mental gymnastics even work in the first place? Can we actually set aside the ways in which we do think about sex in favor of ways that we should think about sex?
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