I like to think of myself as a bit of an inventor. I’d like to be famous for improving someone else’s invention. Like the guy who thought about adding an intermittent setting to windshield wipers or the dude who invented those little plastic things around the end of your shoelaces. It’s brilliant really, you take something that already exists – something that EVERYONE uses – and then you just make it a little bit better.
Take something like sex, it’s pretty great already, but wouldn’t it be awesome if you could tweak it just enough to make it even more amazing and then imagine that you stuck a patent on that shit, you’d be an instant millionaire. Unfortunately, most inventions don’t quite make it that far. It’s not enough to file a patent, you gotta have a product that people will actually want to use.
Too bad so sad, I haven’t come up with my brilliant idea yet, but I’ll keep plugging away.
Meanwhile, the Peepz working at the patent office see some of the weirdest inventions, here’s a look at a few sex inventions that have been making the rounds on the Internet.
5. Oscillating Intercourse Simulator – Filed on June 18, 2003
Crankshaft is my new favorite word.
This isn’t that weird, I mean, I’ve seen plenty of sex machines in my day, but this is basically a battering ram. LOOK AT IT!
4. Water Massage Apparatus – Filed on January 9, 1900
I actually love getting off to a nice spray of water between my legs, but this just looks like a torture chamber, which it basically is. Pretty sure, this was invented when female hysteria was treated by forcefully bringing female patients to orgasm. Sounds naughty, but it’s just gross.
3. Rotating Sex Machine – Filed on July 9, 2010
Why do her legs have to be crossed like that with her feet in those things? I don’t understand! These seems like a lot of work for a machine that allows you to be in one position, except, you know, rotating. In real life, I call this turning over.
2. Thrusting Rod – Filed on August 5, 1999
It looks insane when you see it like this, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen plenty of chin dildos in sex shops. The difference is that this one is a thrusting rod!
1. Feminine napkin allows external sexual intercourse – Filed on June 22, 1995
Okay, this is just weird. It’s a pad, you know, for when the ladies are on their period, but it also has a exterior pocket, which you fill with lube and then can use as a fake vagina, like so:
A round bag is attached to the front side of the napkin. The bag is in the size and shape of the vagina to give the husband the same sexual feelings. The round bag has an opening and rings, windings and protrusions, as well as a suitable cream. This bag has also a downward extension for fixing the napkin on the vagina opening when the woman lies on her back. The fixing extension is placed between the rumps and may be coated by an adhesive material. The round bag can be taken off the napkin and disposed while continuing to use the napkin.
It so husbands don’t stray when their wives are having their periods. There’s so many things wrong with this I don’t even know where to start, but a good place is probably this: Just fuck her bloody vagina, already! Seriously, period sex is somehow less repulsive that the sex pad.
Via gizmodo.com – Follow Lola Byrd on Twitter @misslolabyrd
The post Top 5: Uniquely Terrifying Sex Inventions, Patent Edition! appeared first on Peeperz.
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