Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
In one of those shocking developments which only happens about three times a week, VIVID Entertainment CEO Steve Hirsch has offered yet another famous person a performing role in one of his studios films, this time floating the opportunity to pro baseball star David “Big Papi” Ortiz.
The offer flows from a response Ortiz provided as part of the “What the (Blank)?” series on The Players’ Tribune, in which the slugger indicated if he weren’t a pro athlete, his dream job would be “porn star.”
It probably took Hirsch all of fourteen seconds to make a phone call to TMZ (or perhaps to receive one from them) to talk about his wonderful, astounding, can’t-miss offer of…. $100,000?
Add a Zero, And Maybe We’ll Talk
Don’t get me wrong; for most people, $100,000 is a decent chunk of change. David Ortiz just doesn’t happen to be most people. Ortiz just happens to be a person who makes over $16 million per year, and who has earned somewhere in the neighborhood of $150 million over the course of his career. As such, $100k probably doesn’t have the same ring to it for Big Papi as it would for all the medium and smaller Papi’s out there.
Look at it this way: The national average salary in the U.S. runs around $45,000 per year. So, proportionately speaking, offering Ortiz $100,000 is the equivalent of offering the average American wage earner the exciting sum of around $280 to perform in porn.
Even if Ortiz were willing to take the offer just because he’s so eager to bed down a porn star (or five), his agent would nix it in a heartbeat, because the agent’s end of it would only be around two or three grand. That’s just not a whole lot of cheddar when balanced against risking the future viability of your client as an endorser of more family-friendly fare, like sneakers, Gold Bond, underwear, hot dogs and other things athletes (and ex-athletes) get paid to promote, opportunities which often extend well beyond their playing years.
It’s always been amusing to me how guys all seem to think performing in porn is something they’d be good at, as though all it involves is showing up, dropping your drawers and doing the nasty. Give these same guys one look at the reality of a porn shoot, however, and they’d be likely to come up with another dream job about which to idly fantasize.
First of all, relatively little of a guy’s time on a porn set is spent having sex. There’s a lot of waiting around, much of it done in the nude, while other people adjust lights, apply makeup, or argue about stupid bullshit with some jealous cretin who hates that his girlfriend does porn, but for some reason still insists on coming to every shoot.
I know several men who have tried their hand cock at performing in porn, and only one of them managed to deliver on camera for even a single scene – and he never went back for a second one. Doing the first scene was such a struggle, he decided the $800 he was paid just wasn’t worth the aggravation.This guy’s main issue was he had trouble keeping an erection on camera, so much so that the ‘money shot’ at the end of the scene was actually provided by another performer, a veteran for whom all the weirdness and discomfort on a porn set was old hat.
Papi Porn By His Preferred Proxy? Sounds Good to Me.
On the same form in which he listed porn star as his alternative dream job, Ortiz was asked to complete another familiar phrase: “In a movie about my life, the actor I would want to play me is_________.”Ortiz, whether further demonstrating his sense of humor, or revealing a deep seated denial about his physical appearance, responded with “Denzel.”
I’m assuming Ortiz was referring to Denzel Washington and not Denzel Curry – although let’s face it, either of them would have to eat the other in order to really look the part.
Personally, I’d like to see VIVID kill two porn birds with one stone here. How? Offer the porn role directly to Denzel!
Sure, Denzel probably would turn them down, too (if anything, he’s probably even richer than Ortiz) but if Hirsch were to put the idea out there, if nothing else, I have a hunch a LOT more women would be interested.
And Finally, ‘Focus’ Isn’t Just For Cameramen
One final thought about the prospect of Big Papi doing porn: Given baseball contemplation’s famous orgasm-delaying properties, if Ortiz really wants to dabble in porn as a new career direction, it might be imperative that he NOT think about his day job.
Yes, that’s right: Ironically enough, if this prolific homerun hitter couldn’t take his mind off his old job, he might never get past first base in his new one!
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
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